Originally posted by Greybeard_69:
funny how it can take u 14 hours to decide if your going to post what u write.
wow...sometimes it only takes you 14 hours?

I have taken a long time to post. There have been times when I deleted everything I typed and logged out, only to do the same thing the next day.

I have heard some people say "it shouldn't be so difficult. it's the internet. It's not like someone is in the room with you."

The difficulty isn't in that someone is or isn't in the room, it's in sharing details about hard times in your life, for some of us terrifying times. And the people here on this thread are not just names on a screen, After all that we have shared, there are stories attached to those names, and hopes and dreams. There are people attached to those names.

I think it would be safe to say many of us have done the same thing, sometimes more than once.

Originally posted by Greybeard_69:
I have been through my own personal hell with abuse, It was not sexual nor was there a lot of physical abuse. It was mainly verbal and emotional abuse.
I can't let this pass without comment. Please don't trivialize what happened because it was only verbal and/or emotional. It is what it is...abuse.

In my opinion, one of the reasons people have more trouble with verbal and emotional abuse is they think to themselves (as well as being told this by others) "at least I wasn't beaten. I never landed in a hospital. What do I have to complain about?"

By trivializing it they ignore what happened and blame themselves when they can't handle it. They don't deal with it and it comes back and deals with them. Self blame keeps the wound fresh and bleeding. It is the abuse that keeps on abusing.

It is difficult, but come here for you too.

I know how it is to have been verbally and emotionally abused. It happened to me, and kept me messed up for years. One day, after finally telling my therapist about it, she said. "Oh my God, that's child abuse. You were abused. Why didn't you tell me about this before? We should have been working on this all along."

This was knowledge I couldn't handle, so I rejected it outright. "Me, abused? Abuse only happens to other people." Now, many years later, I have to admit that it is abuse. Otherwise I can't heal.

A bdsm forum was the last place I would have ever thought to find healing, but I have. I shared some scary stuff, and totally surprised myself when I said something useful to someone.

(I even told myself once, I need to go through here and read all my postings, because I need to hear and do what I'm suggesting to other people.)

Remember, come here for you.

Originally posted by denuseri:
whenever the forgiveness hurdle gets in front of me, and i know i am wrong for not wanting to forgive them
denu, it might not be a question of not wanting to, but one of being able too. There is still so much emotion wrapped up in what happened to you I don't think it's the right time yet. It's not possible.

What I am trying to do is let go of my abuse, to release it and allow it to become detached from me. When I can look at it without all the emotion, the fear, the horror, the hate, then maybe I will be able to turn around and forgive.

Some people find it helpful to meditate on the letting go. They picture how their life would be if they could look at the abuse and acknowledge it the same way they look at their car. "I have a blue car" -fact. "I was abused" -fact. It is impossible for some to forgive while the wound still bleeds.

You are not wrong, you,re just not ready yet. ~hugs denu~