Six of the best at school with the slipper

[Alex Bragi]

Mmm..what a hot little story this is.

It's a good premises but, in my opinion, it could do with a little extra polishing to gain those good high ratings you should be aiming for.

This is what I noted as I read.

Punctuation: Your piece contains not commas and it could use a few.

Dialog: Your piece contains none. Nothing brings a piece of fiction to living breathing 3d faster in a reader’s head than dialog. So, don't let those opportunities to allow your character's to talk slip by.

Show, don’t tell: Don’t fall into the trap of telling things that are better told by your characters or better shown rather than told by you.. Confused? Telling--He was livid. Showing--He almost had steam coming out of his ears.

Word clutter: Don’t bog your reader down with repeated or excess words or information. e.g. "... when a man approached us. He was the groundsman.." is cluttered adn would read tighter as ...when the groundsman approached us..

Brackets: People who know a whole lot more about writing than I do say, "Don't use them because they break a reader's feeling of suspended belief".

E.g. “Well next to the school was a pitch and putt golf course and we
decided in lunch time to go there and let some off as no one was about.
We had let off about 5 altogether making a huge bang each time when a
man approached us. He was the groundsman at the course and knew by our
uniforms that we went to school next door and he knew the headmaster
and many teachers.He was livid with us and took us back to the school
himself.”

The above might work better as something like this:

At lunchtime we decided to go to the pitch and putt golf course next to the school and let some off while no one was about. Each one made a huge bang. We had let off about five left when the groundsman approached us.

“What the hell are you kids up to?” He demanded to know, immediately recognising our school uniforms.

Etc.

I wish you all the best with your writing in the future.