victims of abuse support for submissives

[Rowen]

I feel strange sometimes...because I have no rage against the things that happened to me. Instead I feel a deep sadness, an internal sadness, somthing that cuts me up but doesn't let me get mad at the people who have doen it to me. I don't know why but...I guess I wonder if other people feel the same.

Still doubt if posting this is a good idea, but can relate more to this than I want to. Don’t know why, but the sadness always dominates the anger. Perhaps so because that anger can be so frightening, thinking about the consequences when I would have let that anger out, directed at those who did deserve it.
It would have meant an other family tragedy no doubt – the other bullies being out of sight already thus preventing a school drama as well.
Until now found comfort in the thought that I was able to forgive those I still see – them being next of kin. In fact proud of the fact that for one of them I somewhat take care, be it from a distance with help from psychiatric day-treatment. And supporting the other now there’s a chance serious illness has struck. Afraid I don’t make sense here at all..what I am trying to say is that I was convinced I had worked things out, until now. Even considered myself lucky for the good things I learned from it, in fact being a benefit in my work and amongst my friends.

Now, once more, I realise that so many of my praised traits are the remnants of that past. It was my way of survival for all those years, making sure I sensed what was wrong even before they knew it themselves, comfort them when things had gone out of hand again, consulted them, meanwhile taking care to properly finish my education thus securing their pride and my way out – even if home was havoc again by simply ignoring your own needs, denying your feelings. It was the only way for the youngest in a small, isolated family.

No doubt it is the basis for that submissive part in me, longing to please, to care, able to devotion and loyalty “above and beyond” indeed…but longing for security, guidance and acceptance as well – still after all those years.
No doubt it will contribute to that dominant part, at its best during a crisis, specialized in not showing any weakness, doubt or fear whatsoever, being on guard, demonstrating strength all the time, guarding people, guiding people – meanwhile battling again in my head. Once again, excellent qualities, highly appreciated, but they have come at price.

No doubt there is truth in the explanation my therapists gave me for that longing for bondage & control I have from my early childhood – contributing to that feeling different, weird, alone. Take the pain away from a situation and replace it whit lust, joy and trust, escape in that fantasy from the real world that was so relentlessly cruel.
And yes, it worked…like medication, alcohol or drugs work for other people…I managed to survive, get an university degree, haven’t hurt a single soul on purpose all my life, didn't raise the hammer.. At a considerable price though, namely the relationship with the former love of my life and an almost constant fight with myself, so desperate to be "normal" at least for her in our relationship, even if at first she liked it as well. Both were battles never meant to be fought, lost before they begun, something only now at the end I understand

I always want to show people that whatever happened, you can and will survive, that good can come from evil, that forgiveness can, perhaps should beat the anger, that your live needn’t be ruled from your past. Many times it works…for others..for my patients for sure. But last weeks I simply can’t help hurting like hell while an unknown peace of mind swaps places whit havoc in my head. So I’ am venting here…indeed bleeding here. Because somehow it helps, it is therapeutic for me, even if it prevents me from wise ramblings this time..making me way behind with other tasks in real life. Can’t help it, my mind is still here, and believe me, some anger as well, but the sadness, the grief rules.

However, I will get over it. Always have and always will. And I will come to terms wiht myself..in my own way..someday..at my Island...