Am afraid I will regret this. But..did hate them, in fact broke contact for five years with mother. During the breaking up with my GF however they did really try to support, as far as possible for them.

The IT...boy..the IT is I wasn't supposed to be born, was always considered the dumb, wierd kid, always ridiculed, degraded and belittled. Until 12 it was round a clock bully and harassment time. Luckily after that, at an other school, school was in fact my safe haven....me being that somewhat strange, but unconditional loyal and supportive kid - my character emerging - always the one to bring you home, always the one covering up for you.
The IT was my elder brother having his sexual way with me, to some degree, at which times I was also tied up - hence the huge moral conflict in my brain meanwhile being in doubt about my sexual orientation for years.
The IT was my parents living like seperated people under one roof..the last 10 years not even in the same bedroom...
The IT was the agression at home, mainly from my brother, causing me to consider really drastic solutions..because every time police came...and went...and nothing changed.
The IT was that whatever I wanted or did, it never mattered anyway.
The IT was the three of them seperately crying on my shoulder, having me do the negotiations to get the family going again.
The IT was that still somehow, everything always was my fault.
The other IT was life itself, every G@ddamn single time taking away something I started to cherish or thougt I had achieved.
The IT was that allthough appreciated and respected, I always have been that stranger. the one daring to make the politcal uncorrect but true statements.

And I did hate them. And I was so glad to be away. And I was so damn happy with my love, even gave up the dream of leaving my country for it. Then again, I couldn't help caring for them, forgiving them..it simply is what and who I am.

I can't help it, I do not want to hate...not them, not mankind..no matter what's done to me. I so do want to love...but people do make that so hard at times..

I can't find the right words to put the finger on the spot..being so tired..spending all day here, thinking, typing, crying....healing..but it has something to do with the realisation that the scars are in fact deeper and longer lasting than I thought. But also that indeed I wish I had done what I am doing right now years before. Knowing that my submission indeed was an old need to meet.

And yes, I am a loner...a bit tired of all those girls telling me what a kind and honest man I am but....the bosses telling me just what a good guy I am but... So yes, I prefer the few good friends. And yes, really am reconsidering my future. But there is that longing for that companion on the journey..one that loves for just who I am and what I do, be it as her caring dom, be it as her devoted submissive, always there to care for her.