victims of abuse support for submissives

[newslave]

I feel strange sometimes...because I have no rage against the things that happened to me. Instead I feel a deep sadness, an internal sadness, somthing that cuts me up but doesn't let me get mad at the people who have doen it to me. I don't know why but...I guess I wonder if other people feel the same.

[denuseri]

very much so my sister

very much so

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by mastersgem:
Sorry ash but I don't believe all people Should be forgiven

No need to apologise.

I spoke of forgiveness because that is what denu spoke about. For some people forgiving is part of letting go. If she wants to forgive, who am I to tell her she is wrong.

This is something I struggle with in my own abuse. Forgiveness is something I have tried in the past, and as many times as I've given it, I have taken it back just as many.

So for many years I thought I couldn't forgive. In fact I went totally the other way with my feelings of hatred growing. It really ate away at me.

One thing that hatred did give me was a feeling of power. That powerful hate fueled all kinds of fantasies which became darker and darker over time. I got to the point where I became depressed and fixated on the hate. It got so bad I began living inside of a fantasy that described in great detail everything I wanted to do to the woman that abused me.

It was just like walking around in my own story. The lines between reality and fantasy became so blurred that I ran from the police when, in the real world, they were not after me. In my fantasy they had found me out, so I ran.

That was scary but I didn't pull back until I became suicidal. Then I realized I couldn't hold the hate. Forgiving wasn't working and neither was ignoring it (had a nasty habit of popping back up all the time), but then neither was holding on to the hate.

Shortly after that I remembered reading an article about letting go. There is no judgement, no counting the cost in it. We acknowledge what happened, and that it happened to us, and release it. In the releasing the event has no further control over us. It happened, and we acknowledge that, but do not allow it into our lives.

It cannot eat at us that way. We move on with life. In letting hate control us, we ultimately allow our abusers to continue influence over us. To be absolutely free of them we have to find a place where we can let go.

If denu wants to take the next step to forgiveness I will never discourage her. She has a beautiful heart. If it is something she needs to do, I will not stand in her way or discourage her in any way.

As an interesting aside, I read an article once where a victim forgave her victimizer in open court. She told him she could not hold on to hate and had to let it go. She that she cannot let the event in question rule her life.

She also acknowledged that she knew her attacker would stew over it, and continue to think about it, but she was not going to let him rule her life any longer.

Her attacker was shocked. During the trial he had been leering at her every chance he got and reveled in that fact that his attention was discomforting to her. Now he was relegated to the status of a nobody. She was going to go on with her life free of him, but allow him no more control over her.

He shouted and yelled obscenities at her trying to get a reaction, all to no avail. All those years in prison he was going to spend as a nobody, and he was going to prison for a very long time.


gem, maybe you just are not ready to let go, or forgive, your wound is still bleeding.

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by newslave:
I feel strange sometimes...because I have no rage against the things that happened to me. Instead I feel a deep sadness, an internal sadness, somthing that cuts me up but doesn't let me get mad at the people who have doen it to me. I don't know why but...I guess I wonder if other people feel the same.

It seems you have let go.

[Rowen]

I feel strange sometimes...because I have no rage against the things that happened to me. Instead I feel a deep sadness, an internal sadness, somthing that cuts me up but doesn't let me get mad at the people who have doen it to me. I don't know why but...I guess I wonder if other people feel the same.

Still doubt if posting this is a good idea, but can relate more to this than I want to. Don’t know why, but the sadness always dominates the anger. Perhaps so because that anger can be so frightening, thinking about the consequences when I would have let that anger out, directed at those who did deserve it.
It would have meant an other family tragedy no doubt – the other bullies being out of sight already thus preventing a school drama as well.
Until now found comfort in the thought that I was able to forgive those I still see – them being next of kin. In fact proud of the fact that for one of them I somewhat take care, be it from a distance with help from psychiatric day-treatment. And supporting the other now there’s a chance serious illness has struck. Afraid I don’t make sense here at all..what I am trying to say is that I was convinced I had worked things out, until now. Even considered myself lucky for the good things I learned from it, in fact being a benefit in my work and amongst my friends.

Now, once more, I realise that so many of my praised traits are the remnants of that past. It was my way of survival for all those years, making sure I sensed what was wrong even before they knew it themselves, comfort them when things had gone out of hand again, consulted them, meanwhile taking care to properly finish my education thus securing their pride and my way out – even if home was havoc again by simply ignoring your own needs, denying your feelings. It was the only way for the youngest in a small, isolated family.

No doubt it is the basis for that submissive part in me, longing to please, to care, able to devotion and loyalty “above and beyond” indeed…but longing for security, guidance and acceptance as well – still after all those years.
No doubt it will contribute to that dominant part, at its best during a crisis, specialized in not showing any weakness, doubt or fear whatsoever, being on guard, demonstrating strength all the time, guarding people, guiding people – meanwhile battling again in my head. Once again, excellent qualities, highly appreciated, but they have come at price.

No doubt there is truth in the explanation my therapists gave me for that longing for bondage & control I have from my early childhood – contributing to that feeling different, weird, alone. Take the pain away from a situation and replace it whit lust, joy and trust, escape in that fantasy from the real world that was so relentlessly cruel.
And yes, it worked…like medication, alcohol or drugs work for other people…I managed to survive, get an university degree, haven’t hurt a single soul on purpose all my life, didn't raise the hammer.. At a considerable price though, namely the relationship with the former love of my life and an almost constant fight with myself, so desperate to be "normal" at least for her in our relationship, even if at first she liked it as well. Both were battles never meant to be fought, lost before they begun, something only now at the end I understand

I always want to show people that whatever happened, you can and will survive, that good can come from evil, that forgiveness can, perhaps should beat the anger, that your live needn’t be ruled from your past. Many times it works…for others..for my patients for sure. But last weeks I simply can’t help hurting like hell while an unknown peace of mind swaps places whit havoc in my head. So I’ am venting here…indeed bleeding here. Because somehow it helps, it is therapeutic for me, even if it prevents me from wise ramblings this time..making me way behind with other tasks in real life. Can’t help it, my mind is still here, and believe me, some anger as well, but the sadness, the grief rules.

However, I will get over it. Always have and always will. And I will come to terms wiht myself..in my own way..someday..at my Island...

[Kuskovian]

Take what comfort you can from us then Rowen.

We are here to help you.

I may only be what they call a "secondary" survivor, but I have been with Seri every step of the way and have seen her relapse many many times.

The way is sometimes hard and steep.

It may seem that you will never reach the sumit.

Yet one can allways see the hope bound in the sun capped peak ahead if one chooses to look.

[Rowen]

One thing that hatred did give me was a feeling of power. That powerful hate fueled all kinds of fantasies which became darker and darker over time. .
.

Yes, indeed it gives you an uncanning feeling of power...I could see it right for my eyes. In every detail. In fact, I ran TO the police, scared to hell I would take matters in my own hands. The only thing those idiots did was ask what I expected from them, then telling me there was nothing they could do..

It's that feeling of power that scared the hell out of me when I was dominating...much more like the "gently guy" even if that means submitting.

[Rowen]

Take what comfort you can from us then Rowen.

We are here to help you.

I may only be what they call a "secondary" survivor, but I have been with Seri every step of the way and have seen her relapse many many times.

The way is sometimes hard and steep.

It may seem that you will never reach the sumit.

Yet one can allways see the hope bound in the sun capped peak ahead if one chooses to look.

Thanks,

I did have second thougts on this post...you know, wanting to be the supportive strong guy. So many people hurting here already...but yes, I really appreciate the support and help here...is the reason I stayed on the net.

[thrall]

Rowen....

I haven't read the entire thread, only the last page of posts. And yes i saw your post before you deleted it. ...


What i am seeing is the problem dealing with the ...."negative" emotions....


Anger......hate.....aggression.....fear. All of the things that are ingrained in us as things we should not feel.....should not act on.....should not use......should not acknowledge......and are BAD BAD BAD BAD....


You are allowed to be angry about what happened to you.....use the anger to your advantage...you earned it.......let the rest go. You DO NOT need to attribute your strength to them......it is yours and yours alone.


You are allowed to hate the people who harmed and hurt you.....and never feel guilty saying it......you do NOT have to like them or even interact with them.


You feel its wrong to lash our with painful emotions...it is not....you just need to channel where the lash falls.......


You are allowed to feel fear.....the fear that you have now somehow been made unlovable.....yes you may fear this....but you are very lovable.....


We feel how we feel. These emotions should never be denied you. These feeling should never be discounted by others as something you .."should not feel"... If you feel it, you feel it. It is neither good nor bad



I call the collective of these emotions.....the beast. The beast the waits inside. Its there always within us...


I have a very large beast and its powerful and strong......it waits....it watches....and it protects me.....it is part of me and i do not deny its existence....nor will i try to kill it. It to has a right to live....

but that being said.....


That beast wears MY collar.....and is on MY leash. I control the beast......the beast does not control me......

[denuseri]

wow Thrall that was very very wonderfully put,,, gave me a lot to think about

hugggs and thanku

[thrall]

wow Thrall that was very very wonderfully put,,, gave me a lot to think about

hugggs and thanku

Hugs Denu.....i believe you hold the collar of your beast........

[Euryleia]

Well put, thrall.

It reminds me of a Cherokee story:

An old Grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a friend who had done him an injustice, "Let me tell you a story.

I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do.

But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times." He continued, "It is as if there are two wolves inside me. One is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him, and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.

But the other wolf, ah! He is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger,for his anger will change nothing.

Sometimes, it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit."

The boy looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes and asked, "Which one wins, Grandfather?"

The Grandfather smiled and quietly said, "The one I feed."

[thrall]

HHmm.......yes......the one that lives is the one.......that I feed......

i like that Euryleia

[denuseri]

simply awsome wisdom there Euryleia

[Rowen]

thrall, whising I had your gift with words to express my gratitude. Indeed it is all about emotions..but also actions and expectations, obligations.
Euryleia, you fountain of wise quotations and lines, thanks, point taken. You have no idea how adequate that comparison is.

The problem is...I am talking about my brother and my mother, my father being dead for years now.
I really really thougt I had made my peace with "it" and with them. And they try in their way, in fact being victims as well.

The problem is...that I can't use my anger to those who in fact deserve, I can't hurt my family, I can't hurt those bullies from school who no doubt have forgotten all about it.
Indeed I am still scared to lash out..because the unlucky reciever will have many bills settled. Been told I can literally cut someone to pieces in anger, even if it is only verbal.
The problem is..that at times I feel guilty for not using that power.

The problem is...that at one hand I am so glad about what's happening, me finally stopping the fight in myself, accepting who I am, what I need, what I have to offer. But unable to share this with even the best friends, and still having to fear the opinion of those just waiting for a chance to have their pick on me - because of the work I do.

There is the grief of years wasted in a battle that never should have been fought, the irony being that what caused my needs also caused my moral problems with it. And yes, there is that fear of losing it all...after all those years.. The fear of staying that lone rider, hiding in strength and isolation.

I will add the original post..there is nothing to be ashamed about. And believe me, I know what wolf I want to feed..but for now it is a very sad and lonely wolf. Thank you all, thank you so much..

[thrall]

thrall, whising I had your gift with words to express my gratitude. Indeed it is all about emotions..but also actions and expectations, obligations.
Euryleia, you fountain of wise quotations and lines, thanks, point taken. You have no idea how adequate that comparison is.

The problem is...I am talking about my brother and my mother, my father being dead for years now.
I really really thougt I had made my peace with "it" and with them. And they try in their way, in fact being victims as well.

The problem is...that I can't use my anger to those who in fact deserve, I can't hurt my family, I can't hurt those bullies from school who no doubt have forgotten all about it.
Indeed I am still scared to lash out..because the unlucky reciever will have many bills settled. Been told I can literally cut someone to pieces in anger, even if it is only verbal.

The problem is...that at one hand I am so glad about what's happening, me finally stopping the fight in myself, accepting who I am, what I need, what I have to offer. But unable to share this with even the best friends, and still having to fear the opinion of those just waiting for a chance to have their pick on me - because of the work I do.

There is the grief of years wasted in a battle that never should have been fought, the irony being that what caused my needs also caused my moral problems with it. And yes, there is that fear of losing it all...after all those years.. The fear of staying that lone rider, hiding in strength and isolation.

I will add the original post..there is nothing to be ashamed about. And it did help. Thank you all, thank you so much..

Ok...i may take loads of heat for the...but......oh well

It is alright ot HATE your mother

It is alright to HATE your brother

It is alright to HATE your father....even if he is dead...being dead does not absolve him of anything.

I don't care if they "were victims themselves".......it they victimized you......that made them perpetrators......abusers! There is no excuse......and as "victims" themselves......they should know better.....

You do not have to say your piece......with anger........but matter of factually

Use "I" words.......this is how "I" feel....this is what "I" think....this is what was done to......."ME"

SAY THE .........."IT".......say what "IT".....IS.....

And ya know what Rowen..if they dont like it......to damn bad! The brutal truth.....sometimes hurts.....very badly.

OK.....so you say cant hurt you family.....but you also realize that they are toxic to and for you.....stop talking and interacting with them.......There is no law that says that you must.


I am a loner....my friends are loners....we just happen to like being alone....together.......

[Rowen]

Am afraid I will regret this. But..did hate them, in fact broke contact for five years with mother. During the breaking up with my GF however they did really try to support, as far as possible for them.

The IT...boy..the IT is I wasn't supposed to be born, was always considered the dumb, wierd kid, always ridiculed, degraded and belittled. Until 12 it was round a clock bully and harassment time. Luckily after that, at an other school, school was in fact my safe haven....me being that somewhat strange, but unconditional loyal and supportive kid - my character emerging - always the one to bring you home, always the one covering up for you.
The IT was my elder brother having his sexual way with me, to some degree, at which times I was also tied up - hence the huge moral conflict in my brain meanwhile being in doubt about my sexual orientation for years.
The IT was my parents living like seperated people under one roof..the last 10 years not even in the same bedroom...
The IT was the agression at home, mainly from my brother, causing me to consider really drastic solutions..because every time police came...and went...and nothing changed.
The IT was that whatever I wanted or did, it never mattered anyway.
The IT was the three of them seperately crying on my shoulder, having me do the negotiations to get the family going again.
The IT was that still somehow, everything always was my fault.
The other IT was life itself, every G@ddamn single time taking away something I started to cherish or thougt I had achieved.
The IT was that allthough appreciated and respected, I always have been that stranger. the one daring to make the politcal uncorrect but true statements.

And I did hate them. And I was so glad to be away. And I was so damn happy with my love, even gave up the dream of leaving my country for it. Then again, I couldn't help caring for them, forgiving them..it simply is what and who I am.

I can't help it, I do not want to hate...not them, not mankind..no matter what's done to me. I so do want to love...but people do make that so hard at times..

I can't find the right words to put the finger on the spot..being so tired..spending all day here, thinking, typing, crying....healing..but it has something to do with the realisation that the scars are in fact deeper and longer lasting than I thought. But also that indeed I wish I had done what I am doing right now years before. Knowing that my submission indeed was an old need to meet.

And yes, I am a loner...a bit tired of all those girls telling me what a kind and honest man I am but....the bosses telling me just what a good guy I am but... So yes, I prefer the few good friends. And yes, really am reconsidering my future. But there is that longing for that companion on the journey..one that loves for just who I am and what I do, be it as her caring dom, be it as her devoted submissive, always there to care for her.

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by Rowen:
The problem is...I am talking about my brother and my mother, my father being dead for years now.
I really really thougt I had made my peace with "it" and with them. And they try in their way, in fact being victims as well.

The problem is...that I can't use my anger to those who in fact deserve, I can't hurt my family, I can't hurt those bullies from school who no doubt have forgotten all about it.
Indeed I am still scared to lash out..because the unlucky reciever will have many bills settled. Been told I can literally cut someone to pieces in anger, even if it is only verbal.
The problem is..that at times I feel guilty for not using that power.

The problem is...that at one hand I am so glad about what's happening, me finally stopping the fight in myself, accepting who I am, what I need, what I have to offer. But unable to share this with even the best friends, and still having to fear the opinion of those just waiting for a chance to have their pick on me - because of the work I do.

There is the grief of years wasted in a battle that never should have been fought, the irony being that what caused my needs also caused my moral problems with it. And yes, there is that fear of losing it all...after all those years.. The fear of staying that lone rider, hiding in strength and isolation.

I will add the original post..there is nothing to be ashamed about. And believe me, I know what wolf I want to feed..but for now it is a very sad and lonely wolf. Thank you all, thank you so much..

Rowen dammit, I couldn't respond to this right away because it made me cry my eyes out. Everything is blurry with tears.

How do I start? My father, while not an abuser enabled my abuse to occur. He could have taken me out of the school where it was happening but he didn't. Also, while not abusive, he is highly critical and it seems at times he considers it his right to stay that way. "That is how I was brought up. That is the way I learned," is what he says whenever I say something about it.

While I hated my abuser, it's difficult with my dad. I have gotten to a place where I hate how he acts and what he says, but for him personally I only feel a deep gut wrenching sadness.

I told him once that at this time in my life I would just like to sit with my him and talk about life. Maybe gain a pearl of wisdom or two. You probably know how he responded, "That is how I was..." Sometimes I want to shout, "Oh just shut the fuck up! You just don't get it!"

It is doubly hard when it is your family. With someone on the outside you can indulge in a really violent fantasy and it offers some relief. With family it only offers guilt.

Like Grandfather said in the story, "hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times."

Sometimes though, hate can cause you to move. It can become such a drain that you must move on.

The beginning of my true healing from my abuse began with the story I told below. I indulged the anger, almost losing my sanity in the process, but it worked for me.

After the episode where I lived in my fantasy, I wrote a poem about fantasizing climbing in the window of the place where my abusive teacher lived and painting the room red with her blood.

I is a rather good poem actually. Nowhere does it say explicitly that the main character carves up his victim, but there is no question what happened. Then I did a series of paintings about my experiences.

Since then I have not been able to get to the same place of anger and hate. I've exhausted it, and me.

Soon, I will be able to let go. The wound still bleeds, just not so freely anymore.

You will reach that place too.

[thrall]

Well Ashton and Rowen......how did that feel to actually...........say..."it"...

big hugs.......

[Rowen]

Well Ashton and Rowen......how did that feel to actually...........say..."it"...

big hugs.......

Actually, I have told it before, at therapy, to my GF - who didn't ran away and let me lay down my head in her lap.
Tried to tell it to some extent to my family, and they do understand it to some degree.
That's why I am so surprised and confused...I really really thougt I was done with it.

Perhaps it is the realisation why I in fact did submit..in combination with problems at work and the possible disease of my brother (he may or may not have cancer at the moment)

However...as exhausting as these days are...they are healing..even if it's 0317 over here right now.

And once again thrall, thanks..if we ever make it over that ocean....

[thrall]

The IT...boy..the IT is I wasn't supposed to be born, was always considered the dumb, wierd kid, always ridiculed, degraded and belittled. Until 12 it was round a clock bully and harassment time. Luckily after that, at an other school, school was in fact my safe haven....me being that somewhat strange, but unconditional loyal and supportive kid - my character emerging - always the one to bring you home, always the one covering up for you.

Not your fault Rowen.....your parents fault. You had no choice being born.....and your parents did not protect you

The IT was my elder brother having his sexual way with me, to some degree, at which times I was also tied up - hence the huge moral conflict in my brain meanwhile being in doubt about my sexual orientation for years.

Not your fault Rowen...its your brothers fault.....IMO he is rapist plain and simple.

The IT was my parents living like seperated people under one roof..the last 10 years not even in the same bedroom...

Not your fault. Rowen.....Its you parents fault. My guess, sadly, is that think they were staying together for the sake of the children.......even so.....that is their relationship...

The IT was the agression at home, mainly from my brother, causing me to consider really drastic solutions..because every time police came...and went...and nothing changed.

Yes and sadly im sure that i know the considered solution to the ending of your pain.....

The IT was that whatever I wanted or did, it never mattered anyway.

And how old were you Rowen??...You were under their control.......so again....not your fault

The IT was the three of them seperately crying on my shoulder, having me do the negotiations to get the family going again.

User's to the end weren't they?...using you for support...and never offering support in return......toxic relationships......hugs......their fault...not yours.

The IT was that still somehow, everything always was my fault.

Not your fault Rowen. You wanted their love and approval.....and i think you still do.....its easier to deal with the pain....if everything is YOUR OWN FAULT...taking all of the painful blame for yourself.......if you do not BLAME THEM.....than somehow.......they may love you because you do NOT point the finger of blame at them.....

The other IT was life itself, every G@ddamn single time taking away something I started to cherish or thougt I had achieved.

that is life Rowen..it moves and changes ......in a blink of an eye.....life is not out to get you......life gives and takes from us all....you are not alone..hugs

The IT was that allthough appreciated and respected, I always have been that stranger. the one daring to make the politcal uncorrect but true statements.

I understand and know how you feel.........it is their loss not yours.....you are still looking for approval and acceptance.....the question is....do you really need it??.....

I approve of you and accept you for who and what you are......big hugs.....



And just as you fathers death does not absolve him......nor does your brothers possible illness........absolve him of raping you as a child.....I know he may need and want your support now.......but does he....deserve it???......i think not.


The thing is Rowen i think you still do hate them....you may not want to admit it.....because "its wrong to hate....and you cant hate your family"...

You were happy when you cut contact form the toxic influences.....and were able to deal with you anger/hate issues.......think about that Rowen.....

Now they are back.....your mother and brother.....both again looking to you for support.....and all the old feelings are back.




t

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by thrall:
Well Ashton and Rowen......how did that feel to actually...........say..."it"...

big hugs.......

thrall, saying "it" is very different when you realize...it's not your fault.

You seem to be more knowledgeable in this than the average observer...experience?

thanks and hug hugs back to you.......

[thrall]

thrall, saying "it" is very different when you realize...it's not your fault.

You seem to be more knowledgeable in this than the average observer...experience?

thanks and hug hugs back to you.......

short answer...........what do you think?

[Rowen]

short answer...........what do you think?

I am sure...and think I do understand "that look" now. Yes, you know what you're talking about. Making my hug even bigger!

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by thrall:
short answer...........what do you think?

Hang on, gotta find someone really short. I'll get back to you. lol

I think I already knew, it was just waaaaay past my bedtime and I was having a hard time staying awake.

[Rowen]

Looking back all day, wanting to post an answer here. Gratefull again for the support here..and thrall, once again you bring comfort and peace.
Thrall, no doubt you know and you feel what this is about. I will PM you cos I think I am getting a bit too personal here.
Can you believe that my first reaction was to defend them – again? Pointing out how they try to make it up, telling how I really have forgiven them. Honest.


Looking back at the posts I am sorry about almost hijacking this thread, still a bit worried about posting this all. Really started the weekend with other intentions, am way behind with work now. But it’s worth it.

Because, mailing with Pertez we realised we are a remarkable bunch…Yes indeed, birds of a feather flock together…and I am beginning to like my feathers. But..have to shift down a bit, can’t keep on spending whole weekends over here.. So dear members, I must try to reduce my time here..even if I don’t want to..
Meanwhile my big thanks here to everyone

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by Rowen:
Looking back at the posts I am sorry about almost hijacking this thread, still a bit worried about posting this all.

Rowen, that's why this thread is here. Even though you feel as if you dumped a large load, and maybe you did, it got me to take a couple more steps in my own recovery. There is no way to tell how many people read what you shared and found answers to questions or gained strength from your experiences.

This thread exists to get people talking about recovering from their abuse. You used it well.

[newslave]

Your strength gives us strength, Rowan, and the same for every single person who posts on this thread. It helps to listen...for us to know that it is ok to speak out. I appreciate all of the stories I read here because I know that I'm not alone and know that it is ok to talk about the things that have happened so that I can deal with the feelings that churn inside of me. Please share...anything...

[Rowen]

Hmmm...couldn't stay now could I...
Thanks new, in fact it started a bit in our PM's, and reading the thread again..'twere your remarks that triggered me..big time..then thrall, as always, speaking the right words at the right time in the right way - just how does she do that?
In fact it was a surrender, submission....what am I writing now???? wowww..realistation strikes...*G*... Thanks again....for taking the fight away, even if it is for this moment...and now you mention it...there is a strength in surrender...must think about that..

[thrall]

Can you believe that my first reaction was to defend them – again? Pointing out how they try to make it up, telling how I really have forgiven them. Honest.

Yes i believe it. If you defend them ....it may not really be their fault..but yours...right? Were you a bit annoyed that i had the audacity to say something bad about them??...And you wanted to tell me how good they are???......Are you defending the mental image of what you want them to be....or truly what they are?

One of the biggest tricks abusers and molesters have is that they are very good seducers and manipulates.....its how they control.....

They will seduce you into thinking and feeling whatever suits their own ends.....From what you say...it appears to me that they "need" you now....of course they want you to think that they have "made it all up to you".....they will try and convince you that you have indeed "forgiven" them....

I would lay down good money..... that they also know that you would do anything for their love and approval.....

Its emotional blackmail.......its how they keep you silent.

Thanks again....for taking the fight away, even if it is for this moment...and now you mention it...there is a strength in surrender...must think about that..

I don't think it is so much as we took the fight away from you Rowen...more like you are letting the fight go...

Here is something else i want you to think about....

You are hiding in the light when the only thing anyone sees is the smile that hides the pain. When you are asked...."are you alright..is everything OK"....and the inevitable answer is..........a resounding......"Yes I'm just fine,thank you".....along with a great big smile.....

You whisper your pain into the darkness.....you scream it.....that way no one can see.....

Your truth is here Rowen...for anyone who can see.....This is where you can say the "it".......and not be judged for anything......saying the "it" to a therapist is vastly different than saying "it" in public......Cathartic isn't it?


I have not gone though this thread.....but i believe it is to stop the flow of blood.......it is to support all those who need it in terms of past abuse.......and it would appear that you did need just that.......support.....and at this moment......in public. That is why you asked me here to look at your post......


Big hugs
t