From "In Your Head" To "In The Life."

[DowntownAmber]

"To be an artist is to have the only job on the planet where the single neccesary skill is the ability to label your own self as 'an artist.' Who can ever prove you otherwise??"

A couple of my techs were goofing around with friends that had come to meet them at the office for lunch today - as guys are sometimes inclined to do, they were out in the classroom area of the building kickboxing and good-naturedly shoving each other around. As they played, one of the interns (Bryan, we'll call him) piped up and corrected the stance of one of my techs, then told him if he adjusted one arm a little he'd have a perfect "crescent block." "I didn't know you practiced Tae Kwon Do," the tech commented (looking surprised because Bryan seems barely big enough to lug his backpack up the front steps). "Oh, I don't fight," my intern replied, "I just study martial arts."

Hmm.

This got me to thinking about three things: Doms, subs, and how I could turn my suddenly clicking thought process into another BDSM Library verbal throw down...lol. Seriously though, I am curious: we all start our journey into The Life with some type of thought and urge in our head telling us we want this; but at what point do we go from a person with dominant or submissive tendancies to an actual Dom or sub? Is it when we have studied, or when we have actually practiced and engaged? Is there a certain level of proficiency required to assume the title? Is it up to someone else to bestow it upon us? What about online vs real life? Just because a person plays World of Warcraft doesn't make them a Level 42 Wizard in the flesh, does the same apply for cyber Domming and subbing? What IS the difference between knowing and doing and being?

Pick and choose what you wanna answer folks (Hell, add to the litany of existing questions), I just wanna know how you finally came to the conclusion, "hey! I'm a Dom/sub!"

[Synfall]

I am not really one to talk since I don't have any practical experience in my own right, but speaking as a newb...

How do you know you're straight or gay if you're a virgin?
Some people know instinctively, while others have to experiment based on the assumptions they have of themselves.
Likewise I think some people are naturally going to have bdsm urges whether they realize that's what they are experiencing or not, while others may only stumble into this realm by accident, and then realize that they are interested. A married middle aged man with several children can suddenly realize that he's more interested in men than his wife.
I think we have to name ourselves when we are comfortable with what we are, because no one can name us Dom/sub when that can change as you learn and grow within your own experiences. And only you can fully realize when that label no longer applies.

I think in terms of declaring ourselves Dom/sub
We know when we discover our urges and acknowledge them.
We do when we go out of our way to pursue these urges, whether online or in reallife.
We are the instant that we are realize that we are comfortable with being and fully embrace that aspect of ourselves.

[caligirl{Rob}]

BEWARE!!! Ridiculously long post follows


I’d always been thought of as the good girl. Not perfect by a long shot, but the one who’d do her best to make sure everyone was happy, had what they needed, don’t make waves to rock the boat. Natural sexual curiosity was trampled at a very young age at the hands of a trusted one who made those “feelings” trigger feelings of being worthless, dirty. Don’t talk about “it”, it makes “them” uncomfortable. Don’t make those accusations, “they” would never do that, you must have misunderstood. All of these things lead to just going through the motions, making myself virtually invisible. Anything that stirred up sexual feelings sent me running. I existed got by and eventually meant my husband. Sex was actually exciting for awhile. I seemed to be able to lower the walls at least a notch or two, then months passed a baby arrived, marriage, making a home, losing a home and slowly sex became a chore, something to accomplish, get out of the way. I know neither of us were satisfied or happy with things just seemed how it went. The openness disappeared. We both just shut off, made excuses and seemed to head down different forks in the road.

More than just the intimacy I missed the sex. I tried to reignite the fires of passion to no avail. I was damaged after all. To feel those needs and desires was wrong. I had enough on my plate. I should not be wasting time worrying about sex. The little contact we had was release for him, for me to bring up “what about me” was met with shrugs and indifference. Enter the internet….little by little I found late evenings spent in front of a monitor, and one night happened along a chat room. It evolved to an adult chat room, where I was intrigued with being able to “become” someone else. A clever nick and suddenly I felt I could free up thoughts and desires I’d had locked away for so long. I often sat back and watched. Felt stirrings, desires, alive. I still kept up the walls. I vowed to not it take any further than fingers on a keyboard. And for a long time that I stuck to that. I was happy just to know I had a release for my own desires.

I’d always acted coyly when phone numbers were asked for. No cams, no voice chats. I somehow justified it if I was just typing. Then one evening I received a message that hit a different chord deep inside. We exchanged messages for awhile, and then one night he wanted to talk, he didn’t want my number, gave me his and said he’d wait to hear from me. I think I started to dial that number 15 times before I was finally able to complete it. When he answered my body shivered. He had a voice to melt butter, and was so assured and charming……..and he talked and talked and talked. I slumped into the chair, it was about 2 am. Every nerve in my body was on alert. What did I want? What did I need? What did I desire? He wanted to hear about me, and he wove a vivid audible description of how he could and would meet each of those wants needs desires. My heart was racing, my pussy was wet and slowly I felt his words working their way through my mind and body. Panting and dripping with sweat I suddenly realized I’d had one of the most marvelous orgasms. We kept talking. He was direct, always direct. He’d tell me how much I wanted to meet. I did, but I couldn’t. He always knew I would. He never pushed. He didn’t have to.

When I had agreed I did so knowing I would cancel. As the day arrived I knew I’d turn the car around. I couldn’t do this. I wouldn’t do this. It was exciting, I wanted it, to think about it, how it would feel, how much I needed it, but I wasn’t the kind of person to cheat. His phone call as I got closer to the off ramp made me dripping wet. He knew I was thinking of turning around, He toyed with me, giving me the out. The room was in my name, one word and He wouldn’t show up. Check in, drop off your bags, we’ll have lunch and whatever you decide…….but He knew what I’d decide.

He sat across from me and his eyes never left me. He kept me focused on him. When I drifted, he immediately brought me back. This was it, lunch. It couldn’t go farther than this. It was going to go further than this. Almost instinctively I took his hand and followed him into the elevator. The doors had no sooner closed as his lips were pressed against mine and his hand was between my legs. I couldn’t let this happen, but “oh god” I so wanted this to happen. How did he know what I needed? He was not brutal. He was focused and assured. He pushed me to the wall and his mouth devoured me. His hot breath whispered in my ear “I know what you need” as his hands held me motionless. He proceeded to push me down onto the bed. He did as he pleased, took what he needed and I had never felt so alive. His eyes locked onto mine and he said “this is what you need, you need someone to control you, you sweet one… need to submit” All I knew was that for the first time in my life I just let my body react. Great sex before had never been this. I didn’t understand his words entirely; I did know that whatever he was doing or had said had allowed me to knock a large portion of the wall down. It was only the beginning of my journey and though I would call him a dominant man, I wouldn’t necessarily refer to him as a Dom. Right or wrong I will always look on that relationship, which continues today as a friendship, as so important to my life. I had an idea of what I needed. I could let go of the hurts, the worthlessness…I could feel pleasure.

It was further on this journey that I explored having an online Dom. It was not long-lasting, but my emotional response to it ending only added to my self-knowledge of the importance of submission to my life. That first online Dom/sub relationship was powerful and allowed me to grow. It allowed me to explore further taboos and desires. I was able to tear down a little more of the wall. I’ve stumbled along the journey, but picked myself up. I am a submissive; it is a part of me. I have a Dom now who is taking my journey to a different level. He is r/l and has taken me step through step into bringing meaning into my submission. He wants me to see myself as the treasured gift I am (slow journey there but one that is moving forward) and my submission and desire to please Him grows each moment………but it was those first words “you need to submit”, that first letting go moment that made me know which path I had to follow.

happily submissive cali

[good_girl]

caligirl.... *stands up and applauds you* I could feel my heart racing as I read this

[Ronn]

cali your posting was quite beautiful and smiled as i read it. Hugggggggggggggggggs you tight

[gemmy]

Great post Amber, I'll have to ponder this one and come back.

Loved your post cali, good job!

[Arria]

"Just because a person plays World of Warcraft doesn't make them a Level 42 Wizard in the flesh."

I love this sentence so much that I consider stealing it and printing it out. LOL!

[DowntownAmber]

"Just because a person plays World of Warcraft doesn't make them a Level 42 Wizard in the flesh."

I love this sentence so much that I consider stealing it and printing it out. LOL!

You're welcome to it with my kindest regards!

[TomOfSweden]

Isn't it just a matter of practice? The biggest step will always be to take that one first little step no matter how pathetic of insignificant. After that its mostly downhill.

And nobody every reaches the highest level. Every time we think we do, we realise again and again that there's a 100 levels above the one we just reached.

[caligirl{Rob}]

Isn't it just a matter of practice? The biggest step will always be to take that one first little step no matter how pathetic of insignificant. After that its mostly downhill.

And nobody every reaches the highest level. Every time we think we do, we realise again and again that there's a 100 levels above the one we just reached.

In many respects I absolutely agree...however I have a friend, he tosses around the word Dom a lot, but honestly when I hear him discuss what he believes that means and why he thinks he is, something inside me shakes my head. I think he will go at this over and over and never be a Dom, it isn't in him (or at least i don't see any of the qualities I associate with Dominance) He basically talks only in the sense of "kinky" sex, which is fine and I tell him with willing partners go for it...He has a difficult time understanding the commitment level of a D/s relationship, whether it be online or in the flesh...there are so many levels, degrees, relationships, but I don't see the idea of wanting to physically put a collar and leash on someone as a step towards being a Dom...but then again I could be completely wrong LOL

I also too often fall into the trap of comparing myself to other submissives (which drives MR insane LOL) There is one judge of how I am doing and it is Him. There is a security I feel in knowing that He is ever aware, even when I believe "something" has passed by Him... It has not. He is wonderful at tying knots, teasing, tormenting, dominating me, but He also carries the confidence and composure to grasp my submissive on the most innate levels and make it His. These gifts have grown within Him from many many years of learning and growing and practicing...and I do believe that my gifts are to continue to help Him learn more and more

[Ozme52]

Just because a person plays World of Warcraft doesn't make them a Level 42 Wizard in the flesh,

Heh... I should think not!!

[DowntownAmber]

Heh... I should think not!!

*sigh* Get back on topic and answer the question, will ya??

[Ozme52]

Okay... I'll put it this way.

They're both real and complete in their own ways... But they are wholly and totally different animals.

For those who practice in the flesh, and have also played online, online pales in comparison.

Obviously my own opinion. I have no doubt some will say they've done both and that both are equal... but I (also my opinion) believe they delude themselves...

[~faerie~]

for me at least...it was a journey of knowledge and discovery. i knew i liked someone with a more forceful personality. i didnt know it had a name or a lifestyle till i was playing on the net one night. i said hmmm...this sounds like something i need to explore.
i loved be an anonymous person on the other end of a computer, and like cali it took Him giving me His number and me eventually calling, that first make it feel real. It was a step closer, hearing that other person on the phone. After He and i talked for a while it became more apparent that i was submissive, that i needed to be submissive. Little by little i felt it get more real. But, it was the minute i walked in His house and He said strip slave, and i was naked and kneeling on the floor, that it became a reality. i knew there was no going back.

[Nixxi_Chaos]

Really good point you've made there..I guess I'll have to say what I almost always do on these sorts of topics, I think-personally- that if you deep down think/feel you'd be able to, and have a serious enough desire to, it counts for something.
Lol, your WoW analogy made me giggle, mainly because I've known people who would try and argue with you on that one..some people just have no grasp on reality.

[TimberV]

Time for me to kick in my two cents. I would have to say that I didn't know where my interest lied until I actually got involved in the life. Real-time, face to face. I think that there's nothing that can really equal the value of experience. That when people learn and associate.

As far as when I knew I was a Dom, I started in the life as a sub. I was a bitchy, arrogant little bastard. My Papa taught me how to grow up and become a man. I'll have to say that we wore out a lot of floggers to get me to that point. And then, it was like something clicked in my brain that I was meant to do the same for others. That it was about spiritual growth.

After he died, I was charged with his "mission." Now, that's not to say that every sub needs to be turned into a Dom. As a matter of fact, very few people go that direction. But what the mission is about is teaching people to become masters of their own spirit, whether it be in service as a sub or in Service as a Dom. BDSM acronym = Better Discipline for Spiritual Mastery.