BEWARE!!! Ridiculously long post follows


I’d always been thought of as the good girl. Not perfect by a long shot, but the one who’d do her best to make sure everyone was happy, had what they needed, don’t make waves to rock the boat. Natural sexual curiosity was trampled at a very young age at the hands of a trusted one who made those “feelings” trigger feelings of being worthless, dirty. Don’t talk about “it”, it makes “them” uncomfortable. Don’t make those accusations, “they” would never do that, you must have misunderstood. All of these things lead to just going through the motions, making myself virtually invisible. Anything that stirred up sexual feelings sent me running. I existed got by and eventually meant my husband. Sex was actually exciting for awhile. I seemed to be able to lower the walls at least a notch or two, then months passed a baby arrived, marriage, making a home, losing a home and slowly sex became a chore, something to accomplish, get out of the way. I know neither of us were satisfied or happy with things just seemed how it went. The openness disappeared. We both just shut off, made excuses and seemed to head down different forks in the road.

More than just the intimacy I missed the sex. I tried to reignite the fires of passion to no avail. I was damaged after all. To feel those needs and desires was wrong. I had enough on my plate. I should not be wasting time worrying about sex. The little contact we had was release for him, for me to bring up “what about me” was met with shrugs and indifference. Enter the internet….little by little I found late evenings spent in front of a monitor, and one night happened along a chat room. It evolved to an adult chat room, where I was intrigued with being able to “become” someone else. A clever nick and suddenly I felt I could free up thoughts and desires I’d had locked away for so long. I often sat back and watched. Felt stirrings, desires, alive. I still kept up the walls. I vowed to not it take any further than fingers on a keyboard. And for a long time that I stuck to that. I was happy just to know I had a release for my own desires.

I’d always acted coyly when phone numbers were asked for. No cams, no voice chats. I somehow justified it if I was just typing. Then one evening I received a message that hit a different chord deep inside. We exchanged messages for awhile, and then one night he wanted to talk, he didn’t want my number, gave me his and said he’d wait to hear from me. I think I started to dial that number 15 times before I was finally able to complete it. When he answered my body shivered. He had a voice to melt butter, and was so assured and charming……..and he talked and talked and talked. I slumped into the chair, it was about 2 am. Every nerve in my body was on alert. What did I want? What did I need? What did I desire? He wanted to hear about me, and he wove a vivid audible description of how he could and would meet each of those wants needs desires. My heart was racing, my pussy was wet and slowly I felt his words working their way through my mind and body. Panting and dripping with sweat I suddenly realized I’d had one of the most marvelous orgasms. We kept talking. He was direct, always direct. He’d tell me how much I wanted to meet. I did, but I couldn’t. He always knew I would. He never pushed. He didn’t have to.

When I had agreed I did so knowing I would cancel. As the day arrived I knew I’d turn the car around. I couldn’t do this. I wouldn’t do this. It was exciting, I wanted it, to think about it, how it would feel, how much I needed it, but I wasn’t the kind of person to cheat. His phone call as I got closer to the off ramp made me dripping wet. He knew I was thinking of turning around, He toyed with me, giving me the out. The room was in my name, one word and He wouldn’t show up. Check in, drop off your bags, we’ll have lunch and whatever you decide…….but He knew what I’d decide.

He sat across from me and his eyes never left me. He kept me focused on him. When I drifted, he immediately brought me back. This was it, lunch. It couldn’t go farther than this. It was going to go further than this. Almost instinctively I took his hand and followed him into the elevator. The doors had no sooner closed as his lips were pressed against mine and his hand was between my legs. I couldn’t let this happen, but “oh god” I so wanted this to happen. How did he know what I needed? He was not brutal. He was focused and assured. He pushed me to the wall and his mouth devoured me. His hot breath whispered in my ear “I know what you need” as his hands held me motionless. He proceeded to push me down onto the bed. He did as he pleased, took what he needed and I had never felt so alive. His eyes locked onto mine and he said “this is what you need, you need someone to control you, you sweet one… need to submit” All I knew was that for the first time in my life I just let my body react. Great sex before had never been this. I didn’t understand his words entirely; I did know that whatever he was doing or had said had allowed me to knock a large portion of the wall down. It was only the beginning of my journey and though I would call him a dominant man, I wouldn’t necessarily refer to him as a Dom. Right or wrong I will always look on that relationship, which continues today as a friendship, as so important to my life. I had an idea of what I needed. I could let go of the hurts, the worthlessness…I could feel pleasure.

It was further on this journey that I explored having an online Dom. It was not long-lasting, but my emotional response to it ending only added to my self-knowledge of the importance of submission to my life. That first online Dom/sub relationship was powerful and allowed me to grow. It allowed me to explore further taboos and desires. I was able to tear down a little more of the wall. I’ve stumbled along the journey, but picked myself up. I am a submissive; it is a part of me. I have a Dom now who is taking my journey to a different level. He is r/l and has taken me step through step into bringing meaning into my submission. He wants me to see myself as the treasured gift I am (slow journey there but one that is moving forward) and my submission and desire to please Him grows each moment………but it was those first words “you need to submit”, that first letting go moment that made me know which path I had to follow.

happily submissive cali