This is really nice, Shwenn. Good pacing and flow, excellent imagination and character. All the big things are taken care of already, and all I can give feedback on now are the little things. I don't mean to sound niggly here, but the rest is just good as it is, so I'll address the nigglies.

* Impeccable means "without sin". It can apply to a person's grooming, or their behavior, etc. It doesn't work applied to a person directly. So, "Her grooming was impeccable", or "She was impeccably made up", are better.

* Time for a spellcheck. "Leisure", for example.

* Check your possessives. "Prisoners" is a plural, but you're using it as a possessive a lot near the end. You want either "prisoner's" or "prisoners'", and to know which is which.

The copy paste to this forum removed any paragraph markings making it hard for me to comment on your paragraphing.


* Time for a sentence integrity check too. I know you're fond of dramatic sentence fragments. Me too. But make sure you know when and why you're using them.

If I were editing this, I'd probably leave the fragment "Not a wholly accurate assessment" alone. But I would fix the comma splice
"All of his muscles were tightened, no time to relax between blows."

Lastly, this passage would be an excellent example for my volunteer editors' forum. Would you be willing to submit it (after your next round of editing) to that forum and see what people are willing to do?

Thanks,
Clevernick