A couple of technical notes:

1) You are relying far too heavily on spell check, leaving mistakes so huge they are distracting. Example, "He looked pale and thing..."

2) Careful about tense. Your tense waffles toward the end.


Now, in terms of style:

What I want is for this piece to be tighter. Take out every word you can find that isn't absolutely neccessary.

This is a fat person, right here:

"Kim walked into the solicitors office with a certain degree of discomfort. She wore a simple black dress, with matching hand bag and shoes, as befitted the occasion. But even this nod to the conventions normally expected was a lie."

Let's make her skin and bones:

"Kim walked into the solicitor's office with discomfort. She wore a simple black dress with matching bag and shoes. This nod to conventions was a lie."

Now you can add something back to it. Just make sure it isn't flab. If you put anything back, make sure it's muscle. Make sure it has some purpose. When in doubt, leave it out.

Just try that with the whole story and see if you like it better.