After thinking about it all night last night I decided to post in this thread.

I was never abused in a bdsm b/c I've only had two Owners (one male & one female, but i didn't refer to her as a Mistress until long after we were over) but my current one is a continual support system to help be better and stronger.

I was however abused by my father, emotionally, physically and sexually. He had a drug problem and his friends all had drug problems. I was sexually assaulted by one of his friends at one point too. The only reason I wasn't raped was because I was able to grab the lamp on the bedside table and hit him with it and run. The sexual abuse is a blur and was a rarity, though I do get nightmares once in a while reliving it. The emotional is imprinted on my personality permanantly and the physical haunts me time and time again, with nightmares and regressive tendencies now and again. On several occasions I ended up in the hospital for days and sometimes weeks, there was one time I was in a coma for 2 days, another time where the neighbor called the paramedics b/c I was thrown in the front yard through a sliding glass door and had lost so much blood they thought I wasn't alive. And I have permanant nerve damage and pain problems from being thrown down stairs and thru windows, into walls and beaten with objects from metal dog chains to chairlegs. The really ironic thing was when my dad died (he was murdered when I was 15) I was really upset, but I was more upset that I hated him and never had the guts to tell him. And I was angry b/c I never had the chance to resolve my issues and feelings towards him either.

I actually brought up being attracted to BDSM to my therapist I was seeing for a long time b/c I was worried that it was something I was doing that was regressive to my recovery. And she pointed out several factors of being attracted to BDSM, especially D/s relationships.

1.) I emotionally shut down in times of stress but in dealing with pain in sparks a feeling, any feeling in me and so I begin to function again. If I voluntarily push myself to feel something, the easiest way to encourage that is through voluntary pain b/c then I can have control over something I didn't have control over before and I am able to illicit a response to something I shut down in dealing with years ago.

2.) Physical pain is something that is familiar with me, and while I have some very strict lines on things that involve objects and being hit, it gives me a sense of familiarity with a new view. I have the opportunity to choose how I want to be treated and have control on something I didn't have control over a long time ago.

3.) a D/s relationship that is HEALTHY (keyword here) is actually more beneficial than anything else that could happen in recovery b/c I have always been very, VERY mistrustful of people in general...ESPECIALLY men (for obvious reasons) and being in a relationship that demands absolute trust in someone else is a desire to prove to myself that all people are not like that and not all men are like my father and that I can trust. And in having 2 Owners who have been encouraging, comforting and supportive, as well as being kind, but giving me guidelines to fulfill also help my recovery and my ability to trust in others as well as myself. Which apparently is huge according to my therapist...lol