Firstly I'd like to say my thanks to all who have posted in here. Truely. Thank you. I've never in my life read something so heart rending, yet so beautiful at the same time, in all of my life. I've been part of numerous communities over the years, and none has ever earned so much of my respect as this one has, in this thread. My heart goes out to all of you and the pains you feel.

It's taken me more than a few hours, and probably half a pack of smokes, to read this thread, all the while searching my soul, seeing parts of my past, considering, contemplating, owning and contemplating further. In the end, I've decided that I'll speak. Mayhap not for the support recieved, but perhaps for any support or strength it might give others. For any strength it might offer.

Yes, I have been in abusive relationships. Verbal and physical. Most who know me, who truely know me and are my closest friends, know the things I've been through, and they understand and have always been a great source of strength in recovery. Most others would scoff at the idea of it even being possible. How does a 6', 250lb, physically intimidating, mentally strong, Dom, get abused... well, it's simple... size and physical prowess is as much a hinderance in life as it is a boon, and especially a hinderance when dealing with abuse as a man, from a woman.

The fact is simple and all too painfully plain when in that situation. I am very capable of hurting people. I've studied alot of martial arts, biology, physiology, all the makings of a true human predator. I know this about myself, and it is a source of my confidence and self assuredness, aswell as being a hinderance.

Verbal violence I can take, and take, and take, and take some more. It doesn't require any reaction from me, although it does create internal strife and pain. I've suffered lots of this at the hands of significant others. More than I care to dwell on.

Physical violence on the other hand, is a whole nother ball of wax. It's immediately painful, and most human's reaction is to try and stop the hurt. To avoid it, or defend oneself. Yet I can't do that either. Size and ability is a hinderance. Any response from me, even a very controlled one, could and is likely, to result in the other party being hospitalized or seriously injured at the least. So what does one do. I've had to force myself to just take it. To take hold of my instinctive desire to defend myself and do absolutely nothing but ride it out, because in the end, who does the cops/judge/jury believe... the 5'5" 115lb woman who's wearing casts, or the 6' 250lb guy that doesn't have more than a couple bruises... So I've endured it, left it when the time was right and moved on. Talking to those that I trust about my experiences, healing, and now, sharing with the rest of you, that even a very physically capable, very tough, Dom, can be on the recieving end of such misery...


K