victims of abuse support for submissives

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by denusrei:
hugs to all the people posting here, i wish there was no need for this thread to exist, i am continually impressed with the way everyone has come out to support each other

i will continue to keep us all in my prayers

denuseri,
Thank you for getting the ball rolling here. We all would not be here if it wasn't for you.

None of us like that this thread needs to exist, but are glad it does. And we are all supporting each other, just like our founder taught us.

Thanks for the prayers, and big hugs right back to you!

[Rowen]

hugs to all the people posting here, i wish there was no need for this thread to exist, i am continually impressed with the way everyone has come out to support each other

i will continue to keep us all in my prayers

Ash is right you know. Look what you've started! Simply clicking the thank you button seemed not sufficient.

[denuseri]

but,,,, but i like the thanku button,, lol

and this thread, the support group, the whole kit and kaboodle wouldnt exist if it were not for all of the wonderfull people here,my fellow survivors and thier supporters, without all of you this would have just been another little post with no attention

the real majic comes from all of you

[darkbutterfly]

After thinking about it all night last night I decided to post in this thread.

I was never abused in a bdsm b/c I've only had two Owners (one male & one female, but i didn't refer to her as a Mistress until long after we were over) but my current one is a continual support system to help be better and stronger.

I was however abused by my father, emotionally, physically and sexually. He had a drug problem and his friends all had drug problems. I was sexually assaulted by one of his friends at one point too. The only reason I wasn't raped was because I was able to grab the lamp on the bedside table and hit him with it and run. The sexual abuse is a blur and was a rarity, though I do get nightmares once in a while reliving it. The emotional is imprinted on my personality permanantly and the physical haunts me time and time again, with nightmares and regressive tendencies now and again. On several occasions I ended up in the hospital for days and sometimes weeks, there was one time I was in a coma for 2 days, another time where the neighbor called the paramedics b/c I was thrown in the front yard through a sliding glass door and had lost so much blood they thought I wasn't alive. And I have permanant nerve damage and pain problems from being thrown down stairs and thru windows, into walls and beaten with objects from metal dog chains to chairlegs. The really ironic thing was when my dad died (he was murdered when I was 15) I was really upset, but I was more upset that I hated him and never had the guts to tell him. And I was angry b/c I never had the chance to resolve my issues and feelings towards him either.

I actually brought up being attracted to BDSM to my therapist I was seeing for a long time b/c I was worried that it was something I was doing that was regressive to my recovery. And she pointed out several factors of being attracted to BDSM, especially D/s relationships.

1.) I emotionally shut down in times of stress but in dealing with pain in sparks a feeling, any feeling in me and so I begin to function again. If I voluntarily push myself to feel something, the easiest way to encourage that is through voluntary pain b/c then I can have control over something I didn't have control over before and I am able to illicit a response to something I shut down in dealing with years ago.

2.) Physical pain is something that is familiar with me, and while I have some very strict lines on things that involve objects and being hit, it gives me a sense of familiarity with a new view. I have the opportunity to choose how I want to be treated and have control on something I didn't have control over a long time ago.

3.) a D/s relationship that is HEALTHY (keyword here) is actually more beneficial than anything else that could happen in recovery b/c I have always been very, VERY mistrustful of people in general...ESPECIALLY men (for obvious reasons) and being in a relationship that demands absolute trust in someone else is a desire to prove to myself that all people are not like that and not all men are like my father and that I can trust. And in having 2 Owners who have been encouraging, comforting and supportive, as well as being kind, but giving me guidelines to fulfill also help my recovery and my ability to trust in others as well as myself. Which apparently is huge according to my therapist...lol

[naomi57 {ukMC}]

well here goes

i have noticed that there are a lot of victums of abusive relationships(some even on this site), sexual and otherwise, and that there are a wide variety of support groups out there for all the different types of victums ,,,,except one group, ours

where is the help for submissives that have been abused?

its right here, we are the ones that should support our own

most all suport groups outside the comunity dont address the needs of our own people, in other words they are vanilla, and lack the understanding that we as submissives and doms/ dommes share in our way of life

i am not advocating the exclussion of outside scorces for support(in fact i strongly reccomend seeking medical and spiritual support) i am, simply saying that we have a unique perspective to help abuse victums within our range of expertise

that is the reason i am posting this thread,

part of my own therapy was seeking out this site so i could talk with people within my peer group that would accept my way of life

yes i was a victum of sexual abuse in a bdsm context,
it has taken many years of hardship to reach the place i am at today, to be able to speak and share about it with others and i am very thankful to the people at this site for all the catharic help they have given me

yet i feel that as a recovering abuse victum its not enough that i help out the occasional girl or two i come accross in chat or the forums thats on the cusp of abuse or has been abused,(my owner supported me, who supports those subs without owners)

thats why i have posted this thread,, anyone that wishes should reply here with thier story of recovery, questions,or conserns,advice etc: or pm me if you wish for privacy i will make every effort possible to help you

perhaps if we all work together in this we may be able to really help a lot of submissives that are having trouble recovering from thier tramatic experiences


:my ordeal:lasted for three months, i suffered through pure hell at the hands of a pedator i wouldnt call a dom and his accomplices that i went to meet from an online chat,(not this one), without taking the proper precautions:
it took six months of corrective surgey to physically repair what was done to me, including dental work etc, i shall never have children because of them, it took allmost six more months before i could even step outside my house on my own, let alone be touched or have sex etc, i am very lucky to be alive, with my owners help ( he has litterally saved me) doctors , therapists, support groups, and this site, including many individuals here have helped me a great deal

i am not telling you this seeking sympathy, i am doing this for the benifit of others that have been abused, if they read it they may garner some hope of recovery for themselvesso i know from personal experiences what kind of things some of you that have been abused are going through

i once heard a dom refer to us as "the broken ones" well we dont have to remain broken,, we can heal, we can be fixed, we can recover, grow, and thrive (even enjoy bdsm again) with the right help,and the best help we may find just might be from each other


hugs and kisess for all conserned,

i have a master who is also my partner he is very strict but fair he has never abused me or rape me but before i became his slave i was rapped so it is not always done in a master or slave relationship

[Rowen]

Darkbutterfly
You describe a sheer living hell in which you grew up. And a most fascinating view of your therapist on the therapeutic aspects of BDSM to you. By far not all of them do.
I can imagine that experiencing that there are people who you can trust, who won't abuse your vulnerability can be of the utmost importance.
Thanks for sharing and I am glad bdsm was such a help for you.

[denuseri]

hiya naomi and darkbutterfly> i am glad you posted here with us you are very brave to come forward as are the others before you , i wish we didnt have this commonality to share, its not a great club to be in


abuse weather it was from a bdsm situation or not is still abuse



our subbmission in a bdsm relationship can actually work as a strength to our recovery in many ways especially with a supportive owner, i draw great comfort from my owners protective support as well as his understanding, it is also something that keeps me from harming myself when the darkness closes in because i have to preserve myself for him (i dont know if it makes sence to all but it works for me) i also see that effort to protect myself from myself to preserve my owners "property" as a motivator for the as yet unowned too, as they must protect themselves for thier future dom/domme

also the medical comunity has a tendency to catorgize we that are lovers of bdsm in a way that puts our kink in a derogatory light (more than one doctor and or nurse/therapist has shown me such discrimination first hand)

, something i wish to say about this is they are wrong when they do this, we are loving careing human beings and i figured the people that would best understand this is our fellow bdsm community members that dont judge us for our kink

thats one of the main resons the thread was started so we that are into bdsm and are survivors of abuse, (any abuse) can help support one another, aslo it was to help establish a modus opperandi for recovery and information guilde for those in the community that are trying to help abuse survivor submissives but didnt really know how to go about it, i have heard of many mis-communications between doms/dommes with formerly abused submissives that didnt understand why thier sub just couldnt "get" past certian aspects or perform certian tasks for them, and who better to give them the informational tools they need to help thier subs than we who have survived

after all, who best understands our peer group if not ourselves?

[Karesch]

Firstly I'd like to say my thanks to all who have posted in here. Truely. Thank you. I've never in my life read something so heart rending, yet so beautiful at the same time, in all of my life. I've been part of numerous communities over the years, and none has ever earned so much of my respect as this one has, in this thread. My heart goes out to all of you and the pains you feel.

It's taken me more than a few hours, and probably half a pack of smokes, to read this thread, all the while searching my soul, seeing parts of my past, considering, contemplating, owning and contemplating further. In the end, I've decided that I'll speak. Mayhap not for the support recieved, but perhaps for any support or strength it might give others. For any strength it might offer.

Yes, I have been in abusive relationships. Verbal and physical. Most who know me, who truely know me and are my closest friends, know the things I've been through, and they understand and have always been a great source of strength in recovery. Most others would scoff at the idea of it even being possible. How does a 6', 250lb, physically intimidating, mentally strong, Dom, get abused... well, it's simple... size and physical prowess is as much a hinderance in life as it is a boon, and especially a hinderance when dealing with abuse as a man, from a woman.

The fact is simple and all too painfully plain when in that situation. I am very capable of hurting people. I've studied alot of martial arts, biology, physiology, all the makings of a true human predator. I know this about myself, and it is a source of my confidence and self assuredness, aswell as being a hinderance.

Verbal violence I can take, and take, and take, and take some more. It doesn't require any reaction from me, although it does create internal strife and pain. I've suffered lots of this at the hands of significant others. More than I care to dwell on.

Physical violence on the other hand, is a whole nother ball of wax. It's immediately painful, and most human's reaction is to try and stop the hurt. To avoid it, or defend oneself. Yet I can't do that either. Size and ability is a hinderance. Any response from me, even a very controlled one, could and is likely, to result in the other party being hospitalized or seriously injured at the least. So what does one do. I've had to force myself to just take it. To take hold of my instinctive desire to defend myself and do absolutely nothing but ride it out, because in the end, who does the cops/judge/jury believe... the 5'5" 115lb woman who's wearing casts, or the 6' 250lb guy that doesn't have more than a couple bruises... So I've endured it, left it when the time was right and moved on. Talking to those that I trust about my experiences, healing, and now, sharing with the rest of you, that even a very physically capable, very tough, Dom, can be on the recieving end of such misery...


K

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by Karesch:
So what does one do. I've had to force myself to just take it. To take hold of my instinctive desire to defend myself and do absolutely nothing but ride it out, because in the end, who does the cops/judge/jury believe... the 5'5" 115lb woman who's wearing casts, or the 6' 250lb guy that doesn't have more than a couple bruises... So I've endured it

Karesch, you definitely are not alone in this.

Several years ago there was a program on television (and right now I'll be damned if I can remember the specifics) that told the stories of several men who were physically abused by their wives. But it's not like they were small men, or weak, or physically hindered in any way. All of them were beaten by women smaller and weaker than they were. One man when asked why he didn't try to stop her said, "I was brought up not to hit women." So, he "took" her abuse.

The thing is, all of them had emotional problems from the abuse virtually the same as people who are abused by someone stronger. Abuse is abuse, no matter the size of the abuser, and no matter the size of the abused.

For me, there is no mystery here. Yes, someone your size can be abused, and does suffer from it.

Thank you for sharing your story.

[Karesch]

I just hope that by sharing it, it gives some sort of comfort in it's knowledge to others that are in or have been through, similar situations.

[Rowen]

I just hope that by sharing it, it gives some sort of comfort in it's knowledge to others that are in or have been through, similar situations.

Karesch, trust me, it does. And you show your strength by telling over here. cos.. yes.. who would expect that strong men to be on the recieving end - because of exactly that strength.

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by Karesch:
I just hope that by sharing it, it gives some sort of comfort in it's knowledge to others that are in or have been through, similar situations.

And I just hope that you can get some measure of comfort also. We all need a little support after some of the crap we experience. Here we give and get...It's a pretty good deal.

[Karesch]

*smiles* thanks. Psychologically I'm fairly sound I think, I'm one of the fortunate sort of people that can let things go pretty easily and not be bogged down by my own baggage. *shrugs* dunno, guess I'm lucky in that regard, coupled with the fact that my ordeals, while there have been a few, have never lasted very long because I got myself the hell out of the situations once I recognized them for what they were. So I'm mostly here to offer a sympathetic ear to anyone that wants someone to talk too, and to show people that, just because a person is big, tough, and Dominant, doesn't mean their immune to getting into these sorts of situations and it's alright to be/have been there and it's not something to be ashamed of.

K

[denuseri]

if any one needs to talk or needs supposrt in any way feel free to pm me we (the members of the abuse support sancturary have all been on a kinda break from the thread, which helps us rejuvinate in between group meetings and the like.

hugs and kissess
denuseri

[Shadoww]

New here and not submissive. Title made me curious. Took a look - and have never seen something like this before.
Heartbreaking and heartwarming. Do not understand why this thread has come to halt but wish all posters the best.

[denuseri]

Soon my owner and i will be coming out with an addition to the thread on how we deal with "triggers" and recoil issues prior to, during, and after "play".

These things can be devastating for any survivor, some avoid sex (not to mention all human contact) becuase of them.

I am currently in the processs of organizing our efforts for presentation. We understand the unique issues involved in helping a "survivor" not only "deal" but thrive in thier submission once more. So it is my express hope to help as many in our comunity aflicted with these conditions as possible.

thanku all for your participation
hugs and kissess
denuseri

[dewran59]

I am glad i did "bumped" into this thread.

Thanks denu. This thread is so powerful and helpful and that's all i can say at these moment.

[BrightFyrefly]

Thank you to everyone who has posted. I don't think that I am ready to post my story on the thread, but I want you to know that hearing the other stories and knowing that there are other people who are subs and can still enjoy their Doms without their past haunting them bodes well for me getting better.

[Uncle_Ed.]

Thank you to denu for the link to this thread.

I am posting on here because it is a subject on which I have extremely strong feelings. I have chatted with many subs who have been subjected to r/l and on-line bullying in the name of D/s play-and it makes me see red. If there's one thing in this world I can't stand-it's bullying. It's tantamount to abuse and indeed that's what many of you delightful subbies have experienced. Sharing with others can be cathartic but is traumatic at the same time. I bow to those of you brave enough to reveal your anguish and pain and extend *hugs* to you all.

At denu's instigation I will add a poem I wrote on this subject some years back:

A lie too far.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Young girl sits alone in the depths of the night
Young face lit up by the flickering light.
She has her computer and she lives on-line,
her life in suspension with no sense of time.

Now three in the morning the ebb-tide of her soul,
Her mind is fragmented, long time since it's been whole
She looked in at the internet, looking for a cure
For the angst of her teen years, the web sites proved a lure.

She signed into the chatrooms who'd opened up their door
It was easy as she lied to them, said she was twenty-four.
To get in and to flirt was all that really mattered.
She'd been dazzled; she'd been charmed; she'd been deceived and flattered.

Her man had been quite clever and knew just what to say,
He'd thrown open wide his arms and then begged her to stay.
He seemed so real and witty, so pleasant and so kind
While stealing at her will, her soul while messing with her mind.

Young girl sits alone tears dried upon her face.
Her skin is cold and pale for she's gone now from this place.
The pressures he placed on her young mind proving far too much
Oh-how hypnotic his words were-how subtle was his touch.

She could not live without him. She could not tell him no.
So she made up her mind she would give up and go.
She's logged off from life now. The pain has gone away.
Her mind broke like the dawn at the begining of that day.


In support and friendship,

Ed.

[denuseri]

Oh thanku so much for that sir, we need all the help and support we can muster for our fellow survivors, i really am touched and apreciate your efforts on our behalf

we do not have to be broken, we are not alone

[orchidsoul]

It has taken me more than once to read this thread in it's entirety. Tears stream down my face clouding my vision; for lack of understanding how people can harm others, for the abuse endured, and for the strength and resurrection (yes, you've risen) of your spirits.

This thread is both heart wrenching and heart warming. My sincere thanks to each one of you for your bravery, whether in sharing and/or seeking support, because I know there are people out there not quite ready to be seen that are taking heed to your courage and are comforted by your words. You've also taught those of us that may not have known signs or patterns of abuse to be more aware.

I've no experience in being this kind of survivor, and I don't know what, or if, there is anyway I can help... but if there is, I've got a good ear and a warm heart should anyone ever need.

[SUBtly_shy]

Thank you for your post.... I've been TRYING to exsplain to my dom how I deal with my past issues and you put it perfictly... a complet withdraw from life in genral... I've noticed a number of your posts around the site and your always helpful and suportive and just want to give credit and thanks where its due

Shy

[denuseri]

I have not done it alone thats for sure.

The real magic has come from my brothers and sisters here at the site who have supported this effort.

Without them i am only a lone voice in the wilderness.

Thanku all very much for your kind words and support.

[Trixielix]

I noticed that triggers were being mentioned quite a bit and thought I'd explain my triggers and how I deal with them. Many have absolutely nothing to do with sexual activity per se, and I found them utterly devastating.

During the attack on me a radio was playing and one of the tracks was "Pure" by The Lightning Seeds. I didn't even notice at the time.

Shopping one day in the city centre I heard it playing and I went into what I can only describe as a total panic. I was in a cold sweat, hyperventilating, crying, shaking, I couldn't see or hear properly and the flashback was so intense it was like it was happening all over again. After this, I was caught out a few times with this song and decided I had to tackle the issue head on. I bought the album and I played that damned track into oblivion in the safety of my own home. It wasn't easy, it took months and months, but eventually I was able to hear this track and not react. Similarly, when I was caught out years later by Billy Ocean and "Red Light Spells Danger" (I hadn't heard it since the attack and had no idea it was a trigger for me), I got someone to tape it for me. Then I put it on in the car at 3am, drove to the University car park and sat and screamed. Sounds mad, but it worked. Then I played it for months.

I now love those tracks and they are no longer triggers for me. I've found that hunting out my triggers and dealing with them one by one has been the easiest way.

When it comes to triggers in a sexual setting, it can be more difficult, but I'm able to discuss this with my OH, ask him to do whatever it is with the warning that I will fall apart and it isn't his fault. If we keep doing this, the trigger stops being a trigger.

I hope this makes sense to anyone reading. I don't in any way think that this will work for everyone, but it did work for me (although it is still a work in progress).

[Kuskovian]

It makes perfect sence and is one of the techniques we have employed to help in my Seri's on going recovery. We call it "Exposure threapy".

[denuseri]

As my husband and owner has mentioned we have indeed used such things as "exposure" to help reaclimate me into overcoming many of my own triggers. Some of which like your own are brought on by the most seemingly mundane of things.

[SUBtly_shy]

Hi all.. I'm not very good at the whole bare my soul thing, I've got LOTS of practice avoiding it. However through lots of LONG talks with my owner on how he wants me to be happy and healthy and that I wont be if I don't work through things.. well you get the idea. So I wrote this story of how things kinda went for me and well if I personalize things I get in a bad spot in my own head, and if I don't talk at all I don't feel any better right? So I'd like to share if anyone is up for it
Shy

[denuseri]

Boo u dont ever need to feel compelled to share if you dont want too.

Its very hard i know. It has it catharic value, but dont do anything you dont feel ready too.

HUGGGS.

[SUBtly_shy]

denuseri thanks for the support hun trying to get things off my chest isnt really a want but a NEED. I don't really have a better way of dealing with things soooo I thought this would be a good place to start. My owner just wants me happy and healthy he would NEVER try and make me talk about things to other people so no worries on that account k?
pm me some time if you feel like chatting
Shy

[BrightFyrefly]

I have a very important question for those of you who have abuse history. For a while I was speaking to my Master about the possiblity of acting out a kiddnapping/rape scene to see if it would help me with some of my nightmares/flashbacks/panic attacks. Has anyone done this? I know that everyone reacts to things differently, but I am trying to see if it has helped some people or if it's most likely just going to make things much worse.
Thanks!
Fyrefly