This story was:
written by DominantDog aka Domontop
edited by Uncle Ed
and posted by me

Once upon a time in a galaxy far far away-well in the mid west of England really; there lived a right nice bit of stuff called Princess cariad, or “Oi you!” as some admirers would say. Many a boy had nearly gone blind thinking of her ankles peeking from her shortest skirts. She had most impressive buttocks and huge eyes that were clear and square. Well they were impressive anyway. She had long black hair that shone, long legs, fingers, ears, nose, and such a long neck that prince sublimey, her cousin, painted barber shop pole stripes on it to stop birds roosting there.

She would walk about her Fathers kingdom (which Mummy had got into the routine of recarpeting every three weeks) righting wrongs And protecting the village people from marauding gangs of rude Unregisterds, who would carry away the towns folk and ask if they had any knickers on! Or other ghastly torments like saying suck my polos. Cariad would wave her wand and a chill wind would sweep them away. She would calmly grind some coffee beans and wave her coffee mug-the baddies didn’t stand a chance.

Now one day princess cariad was directing her gardener who was painting the thousand acre lawn with baby bio. As she handed him one of her special coffees her attention was drawn by a pencil to a curious thing in the garden next door. She shuddered; it was the garden of the evil sisters SUCKAMINT and MINTY LOU. They had brought from the finest Argos in the land a fine green and orange see- saw swing set. "HOW PERFECTLY AWFUL” Said Princess cariad “IT ALMOST SPOILS MY DAY!" But she didn’t half fancy a quick go on it! At that moment the sisters appeared swinging and sliding and cackling. Princess cariad turned away “DRAT” She thought “I WILL HAVE A GO”. And with that she froze an Unreg who was creeping away and vanished in a puff of blue smoke.

That night cariad lay and pondered her terrible craving for a slide and a quick swing. "Right I’m doing it" she said and slipped on her motorbike boots, fishnets and leotard and put her hair in a bun (or a bread role I’m not sure which) she paused to slip her giant canvas daytime skirt on in case anyone should see her legs. She slipped on a blouse and she crept out. Mummy’s snores were vibrating Daddy out of bed again and she giggled as she heard the thumps! She leapt over the fence and was soon swinging away “wheeeeeeeeeeee this is what common people must like doing” she thought as her skirts flew up as she went down the slide. “wheeeeeee” as she swung back and forward on the swing.

Suddenly to her horror she saw the evil sisters minty and minty-lou standing there with real angry faces! “WICKED CHILD” Said minty and cuffed minty-lou. “OI SLUT DONT CUFF ME” Said minty-lou and thumped minty!
“ENOUGH” Said cariad, “GET ON WITH THE STORY!” ...and with that she soon found herself locked in a 50 ft tower. "Bother" said Princess cariad as she only had the Daily Mail to read and couldn’t face any more Hot Wings and Micro Chips, which were all the wicked sisters gave her. She sat at the window wailing and grinding her teeth on a convenient grindstone. “Oh woe is me! Please help I have a church meeting at seven and I want to flash my eyes at the vicar! He’s lush you see.”

At that very moment just below her window, handsome prince Rupert was walking by. Looking up he saw Princess cariad and became extremely excited. He said to her “Hello there, I’m a big bear!".
”Pardon?” said cariad.
"You seem to be stuck. That’s terrible luck." He replied.
"Are you on drugs or something?” asked cariad".
“No wouldn’t you know it? I’m Rupert the poet!" said Rupert.
"You’re weird and creepy” said cariad. “Now get me out of this mess!”
"Madam don’t worry you’ll be free in a hurry!” Cried Rupert.
“Thank goodness!” said cariad “What will you do?"
“I have an idea but you might think its queer!” He said.
Cariad rolled her eyes, picked them up and put them back in! “GET ON WITH IT!” She cried

"Throw down your hair to Rupert the bear" He cried.
“What; what; what?” She screamed and he replied
”You may think it manic but madam don’t panic! Throw all your hair to that point over there"
“OK” Thought cariad. “Here goes!” and she shaved all her hair off and packed it into 25 kg bundles and threw them at the horrified bear. "BOMBS AWAY!” She cried,
Rupert was flabbergasted. In fact his gast had never been so flabbered! "You’re such a dunce I’m leaving at once.” He said "You’ll not escape any wicked witch You cut it all off you deserve a good switch!"
"What?” said cariad.
“Still attached when its sent Is what this bear meant” said Rupert
"OH no!” cried cariad ”You never said that! What now?"

Suddenly Rupert had an idea.” I HEAR YOU’RE A GIRL WHOSE ANKLE FLASH FLIRTS AND IS ALWAYS DRESSED IN LONG SKIRTS?”
"YES YES ! I DO I DO” Said cariad
”THEN THROW IT DOWN HERE AND I WILL APPEAR" Said Rupert.
“HOOORAY” Shouted cariad and began bailing out thousands of meters of silk down to the waiting bear, who was beside her in seconds.”Lets go” she said.

But Rupert had other ideas "Its all your fault I got stuck in this farce The least you could do is to show me your arse!"
“What do you mean you perverted bear?”
Rupert smiled and said “I’m trying to forge a sweet alliance Now drop your knickers it’s not rocket science!"