Dirty Words

[Polaris]

What an interesting topic, thanks for posting it! I'll try and add my own perspective to this...

Personally, the need to be wonder woman to be an acceptable member of society annoys me. It is a general tendency -- kink aside -- that women are expected to achieve and overachieve, to have it all: a career, a loving family, children, success, money, the perfect partner, perfect car, perfect looks, perfect life. How to achieve all that is beyond me, and I for my part am not willing to run after an image that's entirely constructed and entirely unrealistic...I may be missing a vital clue, but I don't believe that having everything is possible at all. I am not that old yet -- 26 to be exact -- and I am all stressed out at times about how to manage my life so that it will fit conveniently into the drawer labeled "things you need to have as a woman to be happy or at least content". Fact is, I don't buy it. It is not the life I wish to live, and it should be about choice, not being wonder woman. Anyway, I'm just rambling and not making a real point.

Thing is, if I take my submissivness into the calculation things get even more complicated. I am both, independent and dependent. I am needy as hell, I am usually very focussed on the few people really close to me -- and I want (need) a lot of attention and care. On the other hand, I need a bit of space too. I don't really know how to put it. I am submissive in all areas of my life. I am not a leader-type personality, I don't like to make decisions -- especially not for others -- and I am most comfortable in my skin when I can play a supportive role, and have somebody to tell me what to do. I struggled with this for a long time -- simply because it is what is called weakness more often than not -- but I honestly don't believe that it is weakness, it's just a different kind of strength. I am happier if I simply accept it as it is, and act accordingly. I am calmer if I do so. I am more effective, too. And I figured people don't perceive me as weak simply because I instinctively tend to follow the lead of others -- not blindly, but naturally if the direction is reasonable and the course of action makes sense to me.

To move from a more public to a more private sphere. I want to be dominated. I crave it. I need it. It centres me, balances me, it brings some structure into the chaos I tend to make out of my life. Being submissive makes me stronger, not weaker. It definitely makes me happier, saner, healthier. Having somebody in my life who genuinely cares for me -- somebody I can submit to without having to worry about the consequences -- is, in the long run, a necessity I think. This is not to say that I would stop to function in the world if there were nobody to tell me what to do, not at all. I can be self-sufficient, independent, I can manage my life rather well. But to be at my best, my happiest, my contentest -- I need to give up the control and submit to something more assertive and dominant than me. I hope that makes some sense.

Now that I've established a need -- and it's not that easy to call it what it is -- there comes the next problem. I do not want to run into something that is bad for me simply because I have a need. I admit that at times I'm a doormat -- in the bad sense. It's impulses I've learned my whole life and which I can't quite get rid of now. At times I let people walk all over me. When people close to me are unhappy, I'm the one to walk the extra miles over and over again to make them happier. This is nothing bad per se. But it is a personality trait that attracts a certain breed of people who are incredibly harmful, and who will take, take, take and then take some more until you have nothing left and are really just that -- a doormat, but one who keeps asking for me, and who gets walked over perpetually until it is so worn down that it breaks. This, to me, is not submission but a kind of unhealthy behaviour. Submission, to me, requires one to submit and one to dominate -- and dominate doesn't mean 'walk all over you'. It's a balanced dynamic of equal respect and trust, where there is a harmonious give and take. Of course it is not always fun to submit, and of course at times you end up doing things that don't give you the greatest satisfaction (at least not in the very moment), but in the end you get so much in return that very often it appears to me that I receive much more than I give...so I give more, and they give more, and everybody is happy and content. This is entirely different to being a doormat. It's a dynamic that is terrifying and wonderful at the same time, and which is -- I have no doubt -- considered as unhealthy by some if not many. To me, in the fragments I was allowed to live to this point, it is the sanest thing I have ever done. To me, knowing about it and not attempting to change my being to fit society, has taken away a lot of pressure and doubt. I can reflect about my needs and wants now, and I can make decisions based on these reflections. This also means that I don't have to be an involuntary doormat. It means that I can choose the right person and be a doormat for him. Because I want it, crave it, need it. And because he understands what it is all about and cherishes me no matter the way I am -- or maybe because of it.

Now this is a long post, and it sounds somewhat...I don't know, a little overly romantic to my pragmatic ears. In the end, it's a simple thing. I am the way I am, and trying to be somebody else doesn't make me happy. Everybody should have the right to express themselves in whatever way they choose, to live a life they feel is right for them -- and that, I believe, makes a good ending line.

[jeanne]

Very well said, Polaris.

jeanne

[IAmCanadian]

Great post, Polaris.

This in particular struck me:

"I am all stressed out at times about how to manage my life so that it will fit conveniently into the drawer labeled "things you need to have as a woman to be happy or at least content".

I have long been a believer in the idea that a woman's life can be made more enjoyable with a reduction in complexity. While this is rooted in my own sadistic sexual kinks, I think it has practical relationship applications as well.

Picking up some of the slack for a slave, caring for her and directing her, allowing her life to become less complex but no less enjoyable, is something I enjoy very much.

It also ties in with humiliation play for me. As you point out in your opening paragraph, people equate complexity with worth. Of course it isn't true that her giving up any of her complexity makes her any less valuable- but that doesn't mean she and I can't pretend it does for an hour or so each day ^_^.

And as for Flaming_Redhead's original post:

Why are those who are willing to do anything to please their master regarded as unhealthy and undesirable?

If this actually happens, it is a tragedy. A slave to whom total submission, dependance and obedience comes naturally is a rare and precious sort. A master who is willing to accept responsibility for such a submissive and make her a part of his life will find great reward if he is able to treat how her she needs to be treated.

Perhaps some Doms see it this way- the more self-sufficient the female, the greater their margin for error. With total submission, a Dom is essentially responsible for another life- and some people can't even keep a goldfish alive, so that can be a scary thought. I *do* want to be needed, though. The dependance of another on me, totally, would add great value to my own life, and make it twice over more worth living to the fullest. There's nothing wrong with that, and I don't find it unhealthy and undesirable at all.

- FS

[Flaming_Redhead]

With total submission, a Dom is essentially responsible for another life- and some people can't even keep a goldfish alive, so that can be a scary thought.

How true! LMAO

[Flaming_Redhead]

What an interesting topic, thanks for posting it! I'll try and add my own perspective to this...

Personally, the need to be wonder woman to be an acceptable member of society annoys me. It is a general tendency -- kink aside -- that women are expected to achieve and overachieve, to have it all: a career, a loving family, children, success, money, the perfect partner, perfect car, perfect looks, perfect life. How to achieve all that is beyond me, and I for my part am not willing to run after an image that's entirely constructed and entirely unrealistic...I may be missing a vital clue, but I don't believe that having everything is possible at all. I am not that old yet -- 26 to be exact -- and I am all stressed out at times about how to manage my life so that it will fit conveniently into the drawer labeled "things you need to have as a woman to be happy or at least content". Fact is, I don't buy it. It is not the life I wish to live, and it should be about choice, not being wonder woman. Anyway, I'm just rambling and not making a real point.

Thing is, if I take my submissivness into the calculation things get even more complicated. I am both, independent and dependent. I am needy as hell, I am usually very focussed on the few people really close to me -- and I want (need) a lot of attention and care. On the other hand, I need a bit of space too. I don't really know how to put it. I am submissive in all areas of my life. I am not a leader-type personality, I don't like to make decisions -- especially not for others -- and I am most comfortable in my skin when I can play a supportive role, and have somebody to tell me what to do. I struggled with this for a long time -- simply because it is what is called weakness more often than not -- but I honestly don't believe that it is weakness, it's just a different kind of strength. I am happier if I simply accept it as it is, and act accordingly. I am calmer if I do so. I am more effective, too. And I figured people don't perceive me as weak simply because I instinctively tend to follow the lead of others -- not blindly, but naturally if the direction is reasonable and the course of action makes sense to me.

To move from a more public to a more private sphere. I want to be dominated. I crave it. I need it. It centres me, balances me, it brings some structure into the chaos I tend to make out of my life. Being submissive makes me stronger, not weaker. It definitely makes me happier, saner, healthier. Having somebody in my life who genuinely cares for me -- somebody I can submit to without having to worry about the consequences -- is, in the long run, a necessity I think. This is not to say that I would stop to function in the world if there were nobody to tell me what to do, not at all. I can be self-sufficient, independent, I can manage my life rather well. But to be at my best, my happiest, my contentest -- I need to give up the control and submit to something more assertive and dominant than me. I hope that makes some sense.

Now that I've established a need -- and it's not that easy to call it what it is -- there comes the next problem. I do not want to run into something that is bad for me simply because I have a need. I admit that at times I'm a doormat -- in the bad sense. It's impulses I've learned my whole life and which I can't quite get rid of now. At times I let people walk all over me. When people close to me are unhappy, I'm the one to walk the extra miles over and over again to make them happier. This is nothing bad per se. But it is a personality trait that attracts a certain breed of people who are incredibly harmful, and who will take, take, take and then take some more until you have nothing left and are really just that -- a doormat, but one who keeps asking for me, and who gets walked over perpetually until it is so worn down that it breaks. This, to me, is not submission but a kind of unhealthy behaviour. Submission, to me, requires one to submit and one to dominate -- and dominate doesn't mean 'walk all over you'. It's a balanced dynamic of equal respect and trust, where there is a harmonious give and take. Of course it is not always fun to submit, and of course at times you end up doing things that don't give you the greatest satisfaction (at least not in the very moment), but in the end you get so much in return that very often it appears to me that I receive much more than I give...so I give more, and they give more, and everybody is happy and content. This is entirely different to being a doormat. It's a dynamic that is terrifying and wonderful at the same time, and which is -- I have no doubt -- considered as unhealthy by some if not many. To me, in the fragments I was allowed to live to this point, it is the sanest thing I have ever done. To me, knowing about it and not attempting to change my being to fit society, has taken away a lot of pressure and doubt. I can reflect about my needs and wants now, and I can make decisions based on these reflections. This also means that I don't have to be an involuntary doormat. It means that I can choose the right person and be a doormat for him. Because I want it, crave it, need it. And because he understands what it is all about and cherishes me no matter the way I am -- or maybe because of it.

Now this is a long post, and it sounds somewhat...I don't know, a little overly romantic to my pragmatic ears. In the end, it's a simple thing. I am the way I am, and trying to be somebody else doesn't make me happy. Everybody should have the right to express themselves in whatever way they choose, to live a life they feel is right for them -- and that, I believe, makes a good ending line.

You said a lot of what I was thinking and feeling, but I had to stop at some point, too! I thought I would come back and add it later. You saved me the trouble! LOL *hugs*