Infidelity and BDSM

[damyanti]

Hi Daumon

First you are critical of qualities in yourself that are charming and very admirable. You seem to show more concern for others than yourself.

Its charming that you think they are, but they don't make life easy.

Second, you people often get into relationships for a misguided or wrong reasons. Before you are ready to share yourself and life with someone you have to really know and understand yourself. Otherwise you find as many unhappy surpised in a relationship of your making as your partner. Its best not to be discovering yourself when your trying to balance a relationship.

I think its kind of fun to discover things together...if you get into the relationship for the right reasons and that those reasons are clear to both parties.

any relationship is built around trust, faith and understanding. Friendship, dating, marriage or D/s relationships all need these. Alot of what happens in a relationship depend on the expections you start with and what changes you are willing to accept to stay in one.

Just said that, but you say it better.

You spoke of the woman being crtizied for staying in an abusive relationship. That the poeople writtinmg in could not accpet or understand her staying despite the abuse to try and work things out. Society now does not seem to be willing to allow anyone to make judgement calls on thier own any more. In such a relationship a person has the right to weigh the fear and danger of abuse against the value they place in the person and relastionship they are trying to keep. As an adult we have that right and responcablity to make those judgement calls ourselves. Its far to often that people want to cut and run in any relationship at the first sign of trouble.

*nodding a lot*

Now as to infidelity in a relationship. YOU really like hard questions dont you.

Yes, yes I do, lol. But you said you find that charming, , lol.

In an ideal world two people would fill each outhers needs completely and neither would need or want anything serious outside their relationship. However , both men and woman each have resons to look outside their choosen partner for a need thats not being completely met. So, the first thing that hits most poeple is that they are failing to make their partner happy. So they have the guilt of failing to make them happy mixed with fear and anger because they worry 'whats wrong with me .... why cannt they be happy with me?'

(I'm a girl, so I speak from female perspective.) What is often the biggest problem is when people are less than open with what they want, where they stand and how they really feel. Its a nice sentiment, trying to spare other persons feelings, but shouldn't we be more adult at being able to say "You are nice, but you are not my type" instead of dating and going from one phase to another, until you end up married to a person (because thats expected) who isn't your true partner, with whom you are staying out of convenience, but always keeping your one eye open for the next best thing?

If you are not sure about "the person" being perfect for you (while not being perfect) and willing to preserve in the relationship at all cost, why bother marrying at all? (No, I am not making a judgment call for others, and I know its not applicable to society at large, but in my own personal matters I tend to be illogical and follow my gut instinct...so the thought continues to nag at me).


So you have to ask yourself do you and your partner have an exclusive relationship. Do you know for sure they understand it and want that too.

A very good point...and something I find not easy to do. If I ask for just a bit of a clarification..."he" assumes I am putting him on the spot, and far, far worse has a tendency to go with the flow (unless he already has something "better" going) and say what he thinks I want to hear.

Do you have a closed relationship or an open one? If the issue has NEVER come up or been discusssed EXPECT that your partner assumes its open.

Not to dispute that many people practice that...I disagree. Its like "assuming guilt, before proving innocence", rather than giving benefit of the doubt about the person "being innocent, until proven guilty", no?

I tend to believe that generally, unless discussed otherwise, monogamy is implied as the default setting, in dating, but especially in marriage or similar commitment. I do understand what you are saying and that a lot of people use it as a "justification card", but I still feel its wrong...what grates me the most, I find the lack of honesty terribly annoying.

There is a saying, which I think sounds cool, "I caught him the old fashioned way - with manipulation", but is completely opposite of the way I am. And I think a lot of men subscribe to it. I like things to be clear. Playing is fun, but being "played"...if I didn't want to hear the answer, I wouldn't ask the question, and yet when I ask "him" to be honest I often get the feeling he is giving me a "sure you do" look and he proceeds to tell me what he thinks will get him what he wants.

The expectation is that in a BDSM relationship you can play around since you already are WAY outside of normal conventions.

True, but it doesn't change the fact its faulty logic and makes me label them "not worth my time".

So the question is how does it affect you once your partner ends up with someone else.

I hope I never have to deal with that, though statistic is against me...hence my caution with commitment to the point of phobia. I am not averse to it (at least I hope I wouldn't be), but I feel no desperate need (like some of my friends) to pair up just for the sake of it...perhaps I am an odd one out, but I prefer to be single, than make a commitment I will regret later.

Was it just sex, a meaningless fling or a one time mistake. Do you accpet their word it will never happen again if they evne promise it? What if they tell you its now the first time and not liekly the last? Is that the end of the relationship? Is it a deal breaker? it goes back to the adult value call. Is the infidility worth the relationship you want to have. is it worth excepting as part of the reality of what the relationship really is. Each person need sto dexice if it is for them. I wish you luck in making such a choice and living with it once made.

Again, I hope its a choice I never have to make ("he" I talk about is hypothetical one), but I know myself pretty well. Would I approve, no. Would I forgive, that depends on him making amends. Would I tolerate his philandering ways - yes.

What would be the deal breaker...is him lying to me about it (or anything else), me hearing it from someone else other than him, him not being honest. I can forgive (almost) anything, except lying. If he lied, I would leave him.

Would I divorce him? (Ok, this is going to get some people upset, so I cant stress enough, that I am talking only in reference to myself). If we only had a civil ceremony - then yes, no big deal.

But (as its likely it would have been the case)if we had had a religious ceremony...if you take vows in front of (whatever) God, I don't think you can divorce. So if you are doing it, you better be sure its something you can live with forever. Of course you can pretend it is no longer valid, but I don't think it works like that.

Thank you for your comment, I really enjoyed reading your sentiments.

D