Polyamorous or just not sure?

[sidhewolf]

Since this thread has been bumped, I too have gone back and reread a good portion of it. Three pages worth of discussion, many useful points and points of view. It seems to me, however, that it still boils down to figuring out what works for you and expressing that honestly. Be with a partner or partners that you trust as honest when they tell you what works for them, as well.

Not to sound old and cranky here, but nothing gives me a bigger headache than people that tell their partner a lie about how they feel because they think it's what the partner wants to hear and then they get all upset because the partner acts on what s/he has been told. "Oh, you're poly? Yeah, I'm totally okay with that. Not jealous in the least little bit. What?? You Dommed another sub! Now I'm pissed!"

Alternately, when told something by a significant other, it's helpful to believe it as opposed to translating it into what you think they "really mean" and being mad at them when you realize that what they said was what they meant all along.

Now, I'm not talking about when people change their minds, that happens and it can't be helped. I just prefer that all parties are kept abreast of the evolutionary thought process.

Poly or monogamous, nothing can be healthy without honest communication.

Very True Amber! Without Honest Open Communication, no Relationship of any Style really works does it?

On paragraph 2 of your post; And just clarifying meaning here; Telling someone one is Poly is not open field to simply do whatever with whomever whenever....unless that is a part of the Relationship Agreement. IE Declaring oneself as Poly does no more explain what that is to someone else, than declaring oneself as a candy addict. Poly means different things to different people. If I declare myself a candy addict, does that tell someone else that when I am going to the candy store that I mean to buy and eat All the candy in the store? Many times in the scenerio you mention here the problem is not about the Poly person relating to another person, its a lack of Communication and Openess about that. Too many people think declaring themselves Poly is a good excuse to lie and cheat the Relationship(s) they have. And when there is problems about that, they want to fall back on "Well I told you I am Poly". Of course a large part of that problem is about Communication too. When someone tells you they are Poly, it is Real Important to ask "What is Poly to you?". There are so many configurations that this is vital information to have.

Here's another good link;

http://www.xeromag.com/making_relationships_suck.pdf

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[jeanne]

*The Ethical Slut* is also a very good book for Learning more about Poly Jeanne. It's a sort of Bible in the Poly Community, and has been around a lotta years It's also available on E-Bay quite inexpensively.

This is a good one. I don't know why I didn't mention it too...perhaps becausen the other book is brand new to me and is the primary one I'm reading right now.

When someone tells you they are Poly, it is Real Important to ask "What is Poly to you?". There are so many configurations that this is vital information to have.

Absolutely. I agree completely. Assuming you know what another person means when they say they are poly is a prime way to get hurt.

[sidhewolf]

This is a good one. I don't know why I didn't mention it too...perhaps becausen the other book is brand new to me and is the primary one I'm reading right now.



Absolutely. I agree completely. Assuming you know what another person means when they say they are poly is a prime way to get hurt.

Just makin' sure you know about that one

Very True, though in Poly Relating, generally Everyone gets hurt in some capacity when this happens. Of course Assumptions generally do mess up something in anything they are applied to eh?

Deciding what Poly is to you, and asking what Poly is to a prospective Partner, then Choosing Partner(s) that have needs of eachother that mesh, really goes a loooooong ways towards the success of that PartnerShip. Without this exchange of information, a Poly Sexual person and a Poly Fi person (for example) can become enmeshed, when they are Truly no match at all. In Poly Choosing Partner(s) that want the same things from the Relationship works best

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[DowntownAmber]

Very True Amber! Without Honest Open Communication, no Relationship of any Style really works does it?

On paragraph 2 of your post; And just clarifying meaning here; Telling someone one is Poly is not open field to simply do whatever with whomever whenever....unless that is a part of the Relationship Agreement. IE Declaring oneself as Poly does no more explain what that is to someone else, than declaring oneself as a candy addict. Poly means different things to different people. If I declare myself a candy addict, does that tell someone else that when I am going to the candy store that I mean to buy and eat All the candy in the store? Many times in the scenerio you mention here the problem is not about the Poly person relating to another person, its a lack of Communication and Openess about that. Too many people think declaring themselves Poly is a good excuse to lie and cheat the Relationship(s) they have. And when there is problems about that, they want to fall back on "Well I told you I am Poly". Of course a large part of that problem is about Communication too. When someone tells you they are Poly, it is Real Important to ask "What is Poly to you?". There are so many configurations that this is vital information to have.

Here's another good link;

http://www.xeromag.com/making_relationships_suck.pdf

Respectfully~SidheWolf

Indeed - I simplified for the sake of saving myself having to type more, but you're right that it is important to understand what poly means when you are either telling someone you are poly or hearing it from a partner. Definitions are key.

And now since we're back on the subject of communication, I'm going to switch gears just slightly and throw out another one of my pet communication peeves: "don't ask don't tell." I've played with that one before and it's always something that seems like a good idea at the time but always ends up biting someone in the proverbial ass.

Thoughts?

[blythe spirit]

another one of my pet communication peeves: "don't ask don't tell." I've played with that one before and it's always something that seems like a good idea at the time but always ends up biting someone in the proverbial ass.

Thoughts?

Ha! Too many times in the "vanilla" world and I suppose this can apply to this lifestyle as well, women/men close their eyes for fear of losing their SOs. They have their reasoning, of course. "What I don't know don't hurt." However, when you care about someone, don't you know in your heart whats happening?

Guess, I just like to ask too many questions to live by the "don't ask, don't tell" creed. lol And I'll be damned if I'd close my eyes to anything. *thinks* I'm a wee bit possessive, huh? *giggles

[MollysMaster]

And now since we're back on the subject of communication, I'm going to switch gears just slightly and throw out another one of my pet communication peeves: "don't ask don't tell." I've played with that one before and it's always something that seems like a good idea at the time but always ends up biting someone in the proverbial ass.

Thoughts?

I believe it is always a bad idea to go don't ask don't tell. How could that work if you are open in communication. Communication is super key. You can actually learn some new things by talking about your experiences.

Maybe you thought you knew your SO but then learned that someone else did something and they liked it. Now you have just added more to your primary relationship then you had before. It also opens the door to being more compassionate and really opens the door to learning more about yourself and your SO.

More people actually could fall under poly then they think. Ploy isn't about just having sex, it's about relationships. Think about when you have had a friend in your life where whenever they needed something you helped them. Could that have turned into something more if you would have allowed yourself to share those feelings? But maybe you didn't because you were with someone else and so you kept doing things to be near them.

I am not saying you are having relationships with everyone who is your friend. However, some friends share different parts of your life then others. If you can juggle many friends, maybe you can have multiple lovers.

[sidhewolf]

Indeed - I simplified for the sake of saving myself having to type more, but you're right that it is important to understand what poly means when you are either telling someone you are poly or hearing it from a partner. Definitions are key.

And now since we're back on the subject of communication, I'm going to switch gears just slightly and throw out another one of my pet communication peeves: "don't ask don't tell." I've played with that one before and it's always something that seems like a good idea at the time but always ends up biting someone in the proverbial ass.

Thoughts?

<nods> Amber, I can definantly hear that and yet I do like to be as clear as I am able in Communication for everones sake. When walking the Journey of Poly, it's just so important to be Very Clear and Honest, just like in every other Style of Relating. Lies (even lies of omission) don't build anything positive. They in fact steal the often irreplacible building supplies. The Truth can be hard to tell sometimes, Especially when one wants something so badly, and what one must tell is not a warm fuzzy, or something one knows the other person may not, or won't like. But Only the Truth will ever Truly succeed in Getting what one wishes for.

I am reminded of something someone said here once on another topic, and I may not be able to quote ver batem. But it was something like > "The more Time one spends with someone who is not right for eachother, is more Time away from one or those who are". This is one of the Truest things I have seen written here.

A good example might be> Trying to hook up with someone one is attracted to who only has like 1 day a month to spend with someone other then the Partner or Partner(s) they have, and you need someone to spend nearly every day with. Telling the person who needs nearly every day with you that you don't have that much Time to give, given your current obligations, can lose you that opportunity to have a Relationship with them. But so will not telling them....eventually. Likewise Telling someone "Oh Poly is fine with me" when what you Really mean is "I am gonna compete for you and do my dead level best to take you away from your Life to suite what I want from you", most times won't work either. My own little saying that has proven itself True over and over for many years is > *Time Will Tell~It ALWAYS Does!*. Another thing I am is a Very Good Listener, and Very Observant! Red Flags to me are bright neon lights that scream "DON'T GO THERE!". And I won't. I don't do drama well or long. And if thats all it's gonna end up being, I'll end it now Thank you! Telling the Truth will always cut to the chase, or the Heart of the matter, which Everyone can decide for themselves Honestly and Openly what they can and cannot do.

I Agree for the most part on the DADT thingy Amber. Though it does work for some, or at least for a Time. I tried it only once in my Life, and it just didn't fit. *To Me* DADT translates as "We're kinda together, you can do what you want with no regard to me and Our Relationship, and I can do the same, and we'll just see if WE survive that". DADT also translates to me as a lack of True Intimacy (which I need with those I Love), and instability (which I won't be able to Happily thrive in). I am a very solid, stable, deliberate, kind of person. I need Goals, planning, adherence to Agreements and Bounderies (by Everyone involved), Re-Negotiation (if possible), an Ending if not. DADT is too risky to invest my Heart in ever again. I guess it breaks down to me that if I do not wish to be Known and Loved for Who I Am, and I do not wish to Know and Love my Partner(s) for Who They Are > Why bother?

I think also DADT is too much like driving a VW Bug Blindfolded in rush hour 100 mph traffic with Mac Trucks

Respectfully~SidheWolf