victims of abuse support for submissives

[BrightFyrefly]

I have a very important question for those of you who have abuse history. For a while I was speaking to my Master about the possiblity of acting out a kiddnapping/rape scene to see if it would help me with some of my nightmares/flashbacks/panic attacks. Has anyone done this? I know that everyone reacts to things differently, but I am trying to see if it has helped some people or if it's most likely just going to make things much worse.
Thanks!
Fyrefly

[Kuskovian]

I advise caution whenever dealing with known "triggering" situations.

It is one thing to re-expose yourself to certian activities involved with sex and sexual situations (in addition to "exposure therapy") it is another thing to re-enact the tramatic event itself.

[jezabel]

Ive just been reading this thread and many of the posts have made me cry. I was raped by my then bf 14 yr old brother while my bf held me down,when I was 18 and it took me over 20 years to even tell my sister. I finally got councelling for it last year, 23 years after it happened, no I didnt report it and he got away with it. For many years I hid it and the experience was killing me inside.
I was left with the added trauma of an unwanted pregnancy which ended in an abortion at 18 weeks as I tried to hide it, to this day my parents think I was just a stupid slut getting herself pregnant. I was lucky to get pregnant once when I was married but when I couldnt have anymore, tests showed that the abortion had caused so much scarring I was lucky to get pregnant at all. I have a wonderful son but even now the fact he (the rapist) has permantly damaged me hurts so much.
Im getting better now, the councelling has helped but Iwish there had been somewhere like this available for me all those years ago. so I would like to thank everyone who has contributed to this thread and if I can ever help with anything then just let me know xxx

[Euryleia]

I have a very important question for those of you who have abuse history. For a while I was speaking to my Master about the possiblity of acting out a kiddnapping/rape scene to see if it would help me with some of my nightmares/flashbacks/panic attacks. Has anyone done this? I know that everyone reacts to things differently, but I am trying to see if it has helped some people or if it's most likely just going to make things much worse.
Thanks!
Fyrefly

It took me a really long time to be able to handle doing a rape scene. Even knowing and trusting my partner, I still would shut down and not feel sexual. You can work towards it with scenes of control and the like but just make sure that they know how to deal if they trigger a panic attack or a flashback in you. They need to be able to ground you and make you feel safe and that can be hard if they are in the head space of kidnapping/raping you.

Communicate ahead of time every possible thing--I did a thread on rape fantasies (R is for Rape Fantasies but here are some questions to ask:
1. Will a weapon be used?
2. Will there be abusive language or name calling?
3. Will humiliation or degradation be involved?
4. Will there be actual penetration?
5. Will there be physical violence?
6. What is the safe word?
7. Will the scene be scheduled or will it be a surprise?
8. Will it involve kidnapping?
9. Will it involve a mask, blindfold, bondage, or costumes?
10. What are the limits (choking, slapping, fisting, etc)?
11. Will it involve bodily fluids? If so what type of precautions will be used (condoms, gloves, etc)?
12. At what point will the scene stop?

I hope that helps.

[icey]

I have a very important question for those of you who have abuse history. For a while I was speaking to my Master about the possiblity of acting out a kiddnapping/rape scene to see if it would help me with some of my nightmares/flashbacks/panic attacks. Has anyone done this?

i wouldnt recommend it!!
ive done a few re-enacting of r/l scenes in the past, one of which has included abduction and rape etc which i had experience of (im assuming thats what you're saying? sorry if im wrong)
some scenes ive re-enacted have been ok and have been fun though i wouldnt say it has helped in anyway and has always been very emotional afterwards and it can be a bit of a minefield,and in all honesty the two can never possibly compare the reality is no matter how much or what you play thats ALL it is ..just play
dont expect any miraculous results, any problems, past traumas you have wont go away or even be eased in any sense simply because of a re-enactment or a similar type scene.

some ive done have also gone very badly wrong and has left me literally cowering crying even puking in the dark, hiding in corners, in wardrobes you name it! forgetting who what or where the hell i am and that is NOT a good place to be, it takes a lot of coming out of and can fuck up your head, the mind is a very complex thing.

but the worst of all is if you go numb, ever truly had that feeling? believe me there is nothing worse than being totally disassociated from reality, you're not there the worlds not really there nothings real i cant explain it properly and its also extremely frightening for your partner...much more so than being a quaking shivering wreck.

i dont want to sound like some pompous know all (which i probably do sorry) but ffs please think very very carefully about it, your Masters not a trained psych or therapist or whatever and even if he was he's too close to you anyway, dont fuck with that stuff please ...at best you might come away thinking what was the point and maybe some ppl have maybe although i bet there very few and far between and at worst you could really cause yourselves some damage, why do you think hypnotic and/or regression is criticised and practically unused these days?

if you do go ahead be very very careful and dont even bother discussing a safe word you're really going to have to trust your Master on this one 150%

ok sorry lecture over..i'll probably get some flak for this post lol but you asked and i answered whatever you decide on take care love.

[denuseri]

I reccomend you take your time and consult a professional medical phycologist that deals in recovery before embarking on any theraputic reginum.

Exposure therapy and edmr are techniques that have worked for me.

Slow and steady wins the race.

[denuseri]

So how many people are interested in getting together for another support group meeting in chat?

[BrightFyrefly]

I would like to, just give me a date and time and I'll see if I can make it.

[denuseri]

It will probably be this friday or saterday, or the next,, the rest of the sancturary members are checking in so we can organize it.

So look for a post here telling the time and date soon, with instructions on how to enter the private chat room we will use for the meeting.

[StormKat]

I just wanted to say how cool I think this thread is, how brave the people who shared the things that have happened to them, how supportive the responses & suggestions & help that has been offered. It really shows the sense of community in this group & I'm glad to have joined you.

For me, personally, I cannot claim to be a victim of the situation I found myself in many years ago as a very young, very foolish & very naive girl. Rather, I was complicit in what happened to me because I could have stopped it but I didn't. I was in college when I fell madly in love with one of my martial arts instructors - eventually dropping out of school, cutting off all contact with my family & most friends after we got engaged & began living together. Which is when, surprise, it all changed & the abuse began - emotional, physical & sexual.

And I did nothing to stop it. Even when held up by the throat a foot off the ground so he could look me in the eye as he banged the back of my head into the wall, I did nothing. I, the person who stood as protector to others, didn't defend myself. Even though I knew many ways to break his hold, to free myself & counterattack, I couldn't bring myself to strike someone I loved. Of that stain, at least, my honor is clean.

I do, of course, recognize that his actions were his own and that they were not caused by anything I may have done or said. I hold no guilt for the choices he freely made, despicable as they were. But I am responsible for my own decisions, and by choosing not to stop him from hurting me, I contributed to that environment & to the subsequent acts that occurred until it ended.

I realize that my story is different than most & I have the utmost respect for all involved this discussion, especially those that have come forth to share their experiences.

Kat

[denuseri]

Abuse is abuse, weather you were complicite somehow in it in regards to yourself or not.

In some cases stockholm syndrom is the term used to describe such behavior, i myself at various points throughout my ordeal suffered from variations of it.

[isis646]

well I finally did it; I broke up with my "Master". I just couldn't take anymore and he hadn't been respecting Our rules or my hard limits. So I told him I was done with this relationship if he didn't start respecting me and our agreements. He didn't say much so I told him to leave.
I know I did the right thing but it certainly doesn't feel the best right now. I guess I expected him to say he was sorry and wanted to work it out and instead he just walks out.
I've boxed up everything he's bought for us and that's as far as I've gotten. It was hard to hear that truck of his leaving.
There's so many mixed emtions right now but mostly I am angry @ him and myself for staying with him when it became obvious he wasn't going to respect the rules. Well i think i'm going to get some sleep its been a hard day & I'm exhausted.

[denuseri]

I am so sorry to hear things didnt work out for you.

Trust is somthing that needs to be earned with deeds.

I will pray for your continued saftey.

Please make sure you have a reponsible third party for security's sake and let us know if there is anything we can do for you.

[Socrates]

I haven't read every post in this thread but I don't have to do that to see the good this is capable of performing. When I first became a Dom (in 1984) there was no Internet and it was all very underground. The people in this lifestyle were almost all very genuine, and the essence of dominance was about protection, management and responsible decision making. It wasn't about trying to fool someone into bed, or about trying it out for the hell of it until you got bored. The Internet has revolutionised this lifestyle but one outcome has been that the proportion of genuine people involved (especially males) has dropped remarkably. I've been visiting this site for a long time on and off but only registered today. This site appears so far to be a sanctuary for those who want to be in this lifestyle for the best and most meaningful reasons. The fact that this particular thread is needed is regrettable but a well established fact of life these days. The fact that this thread is so well attended and thoughtful is a tribute to those participating.

[Heels62]

Very impressive thread.

[FatherTimejr]

Im not a sub, but this thread is amazing. Im really pleased to see something like this and I hope everyone who needs it gets the help they need. If anyone ever needs an ear, im around...

[isis646]

I am so sorry to hear things didnt work out for you.
Trust is somthing that needs to be earned with deeds.
I will pray for your continued saftey.
Please make sure you have a reponsible third party for security's sake and let us know if there is anything we can do for you.

Its alright it was the best thing for me. I just need to move on.
I beleive he shouldn't be a problem but i did file an order of protection. My neighbor is the local police chief and he is aware of the truck etc.
I just need time to heal and move on with my life and maybe i'll find another r/l Master who will respect me and treat me right or this could be the end of my BDSM life for awhile. Either way I know I'll be alright.
I stilll enjoy my ownership with Master_E from this forum etc. He is my online Sir and is very good to me so far.

[angela_shy]

Its alright it was the best thing for me. I just need to move on.
...
I stilll enjoy my ownership with Master_E from this forum etc. He is my online Sir and is very good to me so far.

wise moves. (((((big hugs))))) from little me - you dealt well with the crap

[denuseri]

I will be in chat today with MysteriousFun to host a meeting of the support group sancturary from Noon cst till whenever we stop, come bye if your interested, see myself or Mysterious for the password to enter the private chat

[Stace]

hi. I feel a little awkard posting here because im still new and what not. I wanted to say thanks to den for starting this thread, its helped me quite a bit. I dunno how to say this so i guess ill just blurt it out.

I recntly found someone lol, who im very intersteaded in but i find it so hard to look at Him. He's so very similar in looks and sometimes in manner to the way someone else used to be who wasnt, well very nice. Its strange cos i know this person and when i cant see Him (talk over the net or hear His voice) i feel fine. But when i see Him all i can think about is being back in situations out of my control and an aboslute fear all over. I start to cy and shake and i cant stop it. I dont know what to do about this can anyone help?

Stace

oh and sry for my spelling and grammar, its rly bad i know.

[BrightFyrefly]

Honey, this reaction is completely normal. I actually have a similar situation with someone who occasionally rides my bus. I get angry and afraid every time I see him, and it's completely out of my control. A good thing that might help is, if you can, look at him closely and pick out the things that are different. Make sure that he knows what's going on, and make sure he knows about habits or phrases that remind you of that other person. See if he can help you get through the visual memory so that it doesn't affect you as much anymore. Please, let me know if it helps, too. I would love to know that I was able to help someone.

[denuseri]

I allways reccomend you get professional medical help from a lisenced therapist at the very least.

It is allways difficult dealing with triggers,, especially triggers that are somehow for no reason we can imagine related to our loved ones.

You say his voice doesnt cuase any negative response?

A blindfold might be in order, or mabey if he changes the way he does his hair??

Also as firstmatefyrefly is saying you might be able to re-focus on the other things to the exclusion of the part thats cuasing the trigger to occur, it wont be easy and may take a lot of time and effort to accomplish. The goal is to redefine the cuase of the trigger into a positive feeling as opposed to a negative reminder.

We have used "exposure" and "redefinition" techniques for much of my own therapy.

Recently I have been having EMDR sessions with my therapist ans it is working pretty well.

Eaither way if your going to be serious with this guy you have to at least consider telling him about it.

My Owner had to basically start from sctratch with me, so many things... from the most mundane acts such as plain old fashion touching, ....to the extremes of some bdsm play activities... cuased triggers for me. (I still can't go down the stairs into the basement despite my best efforts) sighs, one day mabey.

It was and still is in some respects a long struggle to identify and redefine these things that remind me of what happened from something terrible into something I can handle if not find pleasurable or even wonderful again.

I do hope this helps you some Stace.

...and as allways feel free to contact myself or the Abuse Survivor's Sanctuary for support (found in the social groups section of your profile page), we will help in whatever way we can.

hugs and kissess
be strong my sisters
denuseri

[naomi57 {ukMC}]

hi denu when i was 16 i was rapped in broad daylight and was dragged into the mens loo by my hair and had to endure many hours of assault and abuse by this one man i fell pregnant by this man at the time i was a catholic so couldnt have a abortion and wouldnt so i gave my son up for adoption and still waiting for this very day that my son will find me and knock on my door and ask me what i asked my real mum as i was adopted to why did you not keep me and will tell him the truth that i couldnt because i was to young at the time and my adopted parents wouldnt let me then i met my youngest son dad who abused and used me like a doormat use to beat me if the dinner was not ready or it was to cold etc etc he also stabbed me on the right side of my belly and i almost died this was all in front of my youngest son so i stood up for my rights and pressed charges and he was sent to prison for 5 years for attempted murder the first rape he was also sent to prison for 8 years but the court made me feel so small as the accused lawyer said that i was asking to be rapped as i was wearing a mini skirt at the time my oldest son dad was different he was the loviest man that i ever had but had to go back with his parents where they original come from and now on this very day i have a lovely Master/partner who i love so much and have been with my Master/partner for nearly 5 years and wouldnt change him for anything or anyone

[Stace]

thanks for your help den and firstmate. I havent yet had a chance to talk to Him but when i do im egar to try out what youve both suggested, and ill let you know how it goes. Thanks so much for helping me, i know it dosent sound like much but i cant think of any other way to thank you.

[denuseri]

No thanks are nessesary Stace, I would be here eaither way if you know what I mean.

I just hope you find whats going to work for you sis.

I am so sorry Naomi hugs for you boo.

The system is all too often stacked against us and it sucks. One reason many of us avoid going to the law.

My own situation was never brought to any "legal" conclusion, and alltough some of the bastards were brought to a kind of frontier justice, too many are still "out there".

I can only imagine how horrible it would be to have to tell a child that they are the byproduct of something so terrible (my own event left me unable to bear offspring and I guess in way I am lucky for that).

You are both very brave to come forward and share your pain with us... and for that ... ....it is I who must thank you.

Alltough at times we still suffer from the pain of the scars we bear and the memory of what was done to us may be with us forever:

We are not broken...

...nor are we alone!

[AndreaDawne]

I dreaded to read this thread.
But now I finally decided to do that today. Don't know why. But I am glad I did.
And wow denuseri you really did let something out of me.
I have been sexually abused by my mom's boyfriends (yes more than one). And I lost my self esteem and anything that was inside of me.
I got into some wrong crowds and done somethings I aint proud of.
I have been physically abused by a man I had given my life to and took me and my kids along time to heal. (Not completely)
Yet I haven't met anyone to actually make me feel like I am worth a damn. I currently have a boyfriend and he isn't any different from any other assholes I have met.
Anyways what I am wanting to say is that I now see you as a mentor. If you can heal from something so horrible and monstrious than I know I can too.
Thanks for starting this post.
A

[Euryleia]

Thanks for sharing, AndreaDawne. You're right, this thread has been great to help start conversations and continue healing for a lot of folks. denuseri has done us all a great service with starting the discussion and keeping it active.

Hugs to all.

[denuseri]

I sure havent done this alone.

The real magic here is all of you that have come forward to support, share and grow together as we come together help our fellow survivors. So that hopefully one day we can all embrace and enjoy not just BDSM again but the whole of our beings. So that we can all thrive more in the splendor of living, stronger for our experiences.

[denuseri]

Establishing hard limits is somthing esential, especially for us, our trust was once broken or shattered by others and the dominant that wants us to be thier's and trust and thrive under thier dominion has a lot of ground to re-cover.

You simply can't "push" one of us through these things, it takes a lot of time and patience to coax us forth.

It first of all has to be somthing that we initiate in many cases, which is extra trying for a dominant to understand.

Some questions for all of us:

Does your dominant know about what happened to you?

Are they part of or included in your recovery stratagies?

Do they go to therapy with you?

Are they going online here and trying to find out how to help you?

Secondary Survivors (partners and supporters of Survivors) are more than welcome and encouraged to participate as well,

I know my Owner has been an interagal part of every step of my own recovery.

[BrightFyrefly]

My Master has been more than an important part of my healing, he was the one who was able to work through the nightmares and panic attacks, and the addictions that I had aquired to try to handle what was happening in my head. Now, as I tell him, I tell you...There will never be a replacement for him. There might be someone somewhere out there who might be able to help as well, but my Master is one of a kind.