BDSM and former child abuse victim

[Flaming_Redhead]

If you have never been in a healthy relationship how would you know what being happy feels like?

It sounds to me as if you're making the preposterous assumption that one needs to be in a "healthy relationship" to ever experience happiness. I hate to burst your bubble, but I'm quite able to feel joy irregardless of my relationship status.

This is something I had to admit to myself. It was hard to admit that because of the most important relationships of my life(parents) my emotional life became twisted. I was looking for the abuse over and over again. And turned down everyone who treated me good and right. I felt uncomfortable around people who actually liked me. I thought deep inside that I deserved to be humiliated, lied to, and left alone for a long time.

I'm happy that you finally figured it out. Me, I had it figured out as a teenager. I knew I didn't deserve all the crap I was getting at home. I still find it hard sometimes to take a compliment, but I don't take anyone's crap.

And because of the "good moments" the abuser shows from time to time that is what makes you want to stick in and make it work! Because you seem to think that if you just please him hard enough he will love you eventually. And you just wait and wait. And get disappointed again.

With a good man, you *can* please him. It's not an endless cycle of never being good enough and trying harder and still not being good enough. I'm sorry you have yet to experience making someone happy who makes you happy.

This is not love. Love is not about humiliation, degradation, hurt, abuse, name-calling, making you walk on egg-shells. No! It's about respect, trust, commitment, joy and harmony. Between one man and one woman.

Don't try to force your definition of love onto everyone else. Humiliation, degradation, hurt, and name-calling are all about SEX, and because he cares about me and cares about whether or not I enjoy sex with him, he does what needs to be done to please me. If he didn't respect me, I wouldn't be with him. I don't tolerate disrespect from anyone, most certainly not you. I trust him. He has never done anything to warrant suspicion. When we are together, there is joy and harmony. I think it's safe to say after a year and a half that there is a commitment. Even though we are monogamous, I don't presume to know what love is or is not for others who might choose a different way.

I think this is why people become masochists. It's something very psychological and it can be dangerous for a fragile person to start messing your mind with this. How is getting the same treatment going to heal you? How is it supposed to get your self-esteem higher? Wouldn't you think it just increases the depression and anger inside of the abused person? Confirms to him/her that this is what he/she deserves.

You're confusing FUN with abuse. It's not the same treatment at all. How can you possibly confuse getting strapped by a drunk step-father who hates you with a sensual spanking from the man you love? I feel very special to be with him. I am happiest when I can spend time with him. He's probably more than I "deserve" after the way I've behaved at times, but I'm not complaining.