Although my abuse was a quite awhile ago and didnt involve BDSM, I was too young, only 11. I didnt even know what sex was much less knowing what assault or rape was. It changed my whole perspective on life. I became withdrawn, reclusive, shy. I didnt tell anyone what happened (not for many any yrs at least). When I finally had to seek help after having a breakdown in which my husband at the time didnt or couldnt understand why having such a thing happen to me would affect me so many years later. Remembering back to when it happened I became self destructive, depressed even to the point of being suicidal. Shortly after it happened I started to cut even tried to kill myself. It has taken me a long time and a lot of therapy to get to where I am now. Thinking on it I think that maybe that is why I have led the life I have, very sheltered, anytime anyone mentioned anything to do with sex I shied away from it. Although I am more open with my kids about sex, I wanted them to feel free to ask me anything. And coming to this site sure has opened me up about what I am interested in and I find everyone in chat very helpful. In my search to find where I fit I am in no hurry and I am looking forward to the many discoveries that await me as I finally explore and become free. Thank you denuseri for your bravery in starting this thread. I am sure it will help a lot of those who have similar experiences that you have faced. And you have done much more then survived. You have become a very strong and wonderful person that you are today.