victims of abuse support for submissives

[morwyn{Myrddin}]

Hello, i am somewhat gutted that my post to this was lost in the server crash, but would like to repost. Hoping noone has a problem with this! lol.

i am a 32 year old woman, a sub to my Beloved One, and am a survivor of childhood abuse, and i would like to speak of it if i may.(I am capitilizing myself in this where I wish to to denote the fact that I am not submissive to these events!)

I was born to a 14 year old mother, far too young to bring me up, and so was adopted by her aunt and uncle when 3 days old. For all intents and purposes, they are my parents.

My first 3 and a half years were normal baby and toddler hood but then My father started molesting me. Now people say that we as young children would have little memory of events, but some things are pretty firmly implanted! It started out with inappropriate touching and carried on till I left home at 16. 13 years, in which he explored all forms of sexuality with Me. At age 8 he began having full intercourse. He was an extremely sexually sadistic man, and was not happy until I was begging him to stop, struggling, and he would have an excuse to restrain Me. My mother was aware of everything that was going on, to the degree that she began tying Me down for him when I was about 7. My mother had an immense anger problem, and would beat Me on almost a daily basis. The anger that she felt (I can only see in retrospect) that her husband chose her daughter over her was huge and to a degree understandable. But the anger was directed at Me, and taken out on Me. I learnt at a very young age to show no emotion, for any response to anything that happened would just cause more pain.

The emotional abuse was the worst however. The systematic destruction of My spirit was horrendous. I was the child that noone was to know about. My older brothers (not adopted) were allowed to be anywhere they wished. If we had visitors over I was to be in My room and not to be seen by any of them. My grandmother still recalls having to sneak up our hallway and into My room to even be allowed to hug Me, for touching Me was not allowed.

We were a wealthy family, and very respected and powerful in our community, so even though so many people saw what was happening, it was not worth it to go up against My family, yes, I was not worth it to them! At age 9 I made My first suicide attempt. There was no emotion involved, i just did not want to exist another day. Not knowing what I really had to do, I failed miserably (a fact I am eternally grateful for!) Then I discovered self harming, and would cut myself, desperate to "bleed the bad blood out" that My mother swore was in Me.

One morning I awoke (I was 16) and found that I was bleeding from My father anally raping Me, bleeding from My mothers cane and bleeding from My own attempts to get rid of the bad. I looked down at My body and realised that with all the blood on Me I could not tell what was from who. That did it for Me. I walked out to the dining room where My parents both were and just said to them "I am leaving, I don't love you". I walked out that door, never to walk back in. I was 16, moved into a flat I found that day, spent the next 2 years finishing school, then on to University. As soon as I had left I went into therapy. It hurt so very much, but for the first time someone sat there and said that it was not ok. I had ached for those words, bled for them. Slowly I healed, physically yes, emotionally took a while longer. Eventually I learnt to forgive, and let Me tell you, forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. If i had waited till I felt like it I would still be waiting lol. Sometimes it is harder, and it has to be a daily thing for Me, today I forgive them. I do not do so for their sake, but I do for mine. It frees Me.

Does this have anything to do with My passion for lifestyle and being a submissive? How can it not have some influence in what I choose now. There is a huge difference now though, and that is CHOICE. I am not forced into this, I have found what works for Me in a safe way. A way that buiilds Me up, not tears Me down. A way that means I am empowered, for I can say yes, and I can say no. I am no victim, I am no doormat, I am a strong, powerful, beautiful, intelligent, fantastic, feminine, sensual, fiery, fiesty woman, and proud, so proud of who I am. I am not who I am because of them, I am who I am despite them. I have chosen life, not a mere existance, but life. With all it's passions and peculiarities. Every day is a miracle to Me. Every day.

I am grateful for every day of My growing up, for though it was manifestly screwed it has made Me who I am and you know what, I like Me! So I am grateful. I am a survivor. I have chosen to be a survivor.

Choice not chance determines destiny. i just wanted to tell you all My story, because it is not My shame, not a bit!

Warmest hugs........morwyn

[MasterMarine]

You are all amazingly brave, coming forward to share your stories. A true Master need not abuse his charge and a real man would not either. I salute all of you..

[lisasub]

I can relate to some of your story. Other parts I cannot. Regardless of where our experiences are similar, I want to say thank you for sharing and I am glad you survived and thrived!

And to the rest of you brave and amazing people, thank you, too! I am inspired daily to continue in my healing process when I read people's words.

Be well and may peace find you every night...
Lisa