victims of abuse support for submissives

[denuseri]

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[markus_valtion]

i'm so happy there is a thread like this. i thank you form the bottom of my heart denuseri.

i too have been abused. i was raped several times and babrely survived.. by the brother of a friend (so i thought) when i was 8 years. i coulnt remeber anything of it until a year ago. when i started having very intense flashbacks. and had to live through it again. if it wasnt for my wonderfull friends i woulndt have been here anymore. they are also the only ones who know what hapend. until now. my parents dont know about it. and i'm afraid to tell them cause they'll just drag me to therapy. i still have flashbacks but they are getting better. i'm just happy i survived.

it made me to the person i am today. and it made me stronger. cause i lived through it. so the rest of my life is alot easyer. and i'll never give up.

thank you again for this wonderfull thread. and my advice to everybody out there. talk to your friends. and most of all never ever give up.

[Bears2009]

Thank you All

I was abused and would like to say that the positive things in life come forward and that is how you get through the ordeal .

[moco]

Although my abuse was a quite awhile ago and didnt involve BDSM, I was too young, only 11. I didnt even know what sex was much less knowing what assault or rape was. It changed my whole perspective on life. I became withdrawn, reclusive, shy. I didnt tell anyone what happened (not for many any yrs at least). When I finally had to seek help after having a breakdown in which my husband at the time didnt or couldnt understand why having such a thing happen to me would affect me so many years later. Remembering back to when it happened I became self destructive, depressed even to the point of being suicidal. Shortly after it happened I started to cut even tried to kill myself. It has taken me a long time and a lot of therapy to get to where I am now. Thinking on it I think that maybe that is why I have led the life I have, very sheltered, anytime anyone mentioned anything to do with sex I shied away from it. Although I am more open with my kids about sex, I wanted them to feel free to ask me anything. And coming to this site sure has opened me up about what I am interested in and I find everyone in chat very helpful. In my search to find where I fit I am in no hurry and I am looking forward to the many discoveries that await me as I finally explore and become free. Thank you denuseri for your bravery in starting this thread. I am sure it will help a lot of those who have similar experiences that you have faced. And you have done much more then survived. You have become a very strong and wonderful person that you are today.

[denuseri]

Thank you all for being so brave and coming forward about your experiences. Its a very very hard thing to do.

I really think its helps us a lot to know we are not alone and that there is hope for a better tomarrow.

I had a lot of troubles in this department myself and have good and bad days now, mostly good.

[LolitaDoll]

I too have been abused, beaten, and left broken. This March will be 2 years that I have been free from the abuse.

This is my story. I hope it also helps someone.

I met my (now ex) husband in December of 2003 when I was 16 and he was 17. At the time I was engaged to an 18 year old off in basic/AIT for the Army. Things had been happening between my fiance and I and I started to lose touch with him. My (now ex) husband, I suppose, fell in love with me and asked me twice a day for 2 weeks if I'd just give him a chance. After one last attempt at contact with my fiance and hearing that he had moved on anyways, I gave in.

My relationship with him was fine at first. We lived only 45 minutes away. Over the next few months, our relationship got very rocky and there were several times we broke up. Every time we did, he would act very possessive and call, email, IM constantly until I agreed to speak with him and give him another chance. Now, this should have given me a clue that the worst was yet to come if I continued to see him but being young and in love, love tends to be blind.

Towards the end of my Junior year in 2004 - between having a rocky relationship, problems at school, and problems with my parents - I ended up dropping out of high school. I immediately took the GED test and received my GED. All the while I worked on and off while he continued school. In November 2004 he dropped out his Senior year of high school and we moved into an apartment together.

Our entire relationship up to this point, he had talked about having a Dom/sub relationship full time. We talked about our limits and things we'd like to try along with daily routines we'd like to implement. Before we moved in, anytime I stayed with him or vise versa, we played a bit and together we shared our first experience this way.

Once we moved in, things started out fine. Slowly overtime the acts and scenes got more and more agressive and extreme. I started get afraid of him but I brushed it off. We started to fight constantly and it progressed to punching, bruises, and even mental abuse.

For 4 years straight, each day seemed to get worse and I'd fear for my life more and more. I'd have to wear long sleeves, oversized shirts, etc to cover huge massive bruises from my family. I couldn't dare tell anyone out of fear he'd hurt them and hurt me more than he already was. He'd always threaten to kill me and my family if I ever left him or told anyone what he was doing to me. My only release was if I truly was sick or if I faked being sick, then and only then would he ease up.

I remember one day we decided to take a walk around the neighborhood. It was a beautiful day. Right outside the front door, there were steps to walk UP to get to the road. His ankle was sore so he was using a cane to help him walk. I wanted to stay out of his way so I jogged up to the top of the stairs and waited. He got pissed and yelled at me for it. When he got to the top he swung his cane at me hitting me in the stomach. Boy what a mark that left.

Another time, we were at his grandfather's house. We stepped outside for some reason with one of his friends. He got pissed at me and punch me in my back. Right in front of his friend not to mention in the front yard. His friend, nor any cars that drove by stopped him or said anything.

There are so many memories I have but those are just a couple.

Throughout our time together he'd always build himself to others yet I'd be portrayed as the physchotic wife. No one saw through his act. They'd always praise him and kick me to the side.

The first time he went to jail he caused me to go to jail as well. We got into a fight one night and pushed me down hard. I got my stuff to leave and he ran after me. I got in the car, locked the doors, and refused to talk to him. He got behind the car and wouldn't let me back out. I slowly started to gradually roll back in hopes he'd move. He finally did but he then jumped on the hood of the car. I was too terrified to stop so I drove through our apartment complex with him on the hood. I eventually stopped behind a speed bump and he got off and then acted like his ankle was hurt. Someone saw all this so did a police officer. I was the one being arrested but I told them about the abuse because if I was going down for trying to save my life, I was taken him down with me. They arrested us both that night.

He was arrested a 2nd time for domestic violence sometime after. This particular night I honestly felt an instinct that it was going to be the night he was really going to kill me. He had already knocked me out earlier that night for not making him have an orgasm in his time limit by punching me on the top of my head. Luckily at the time we were staying with his grandmother. Her house was set up where the basement was like a seperate apartment so thats were we stayed. She never had any idea what was going on as she was starting to get dementia and never came down stairs. He would never let me out of his sight so I had no way to escape or call for him. Even when I went to the bathroom and took a shower, he was right there watching me. I was terrified the entire day that I wouldn't be able to make it out alive especially since he had plans to kill me then kill himself that day, or so he said (I honestly felt in my instincts it was true this time). Finally it was dinner time and he had already gotten into a fight with his grandmother that day so I convinced him to let me go smooth things over with her by offering to cook her some dinner myself. He bought the bait so I quickly ran up stairs, went to her bedroom and locked the door. I explained to her the situation and called my parents then the police. My parents were an hour away but rushed over. After about 15 minutes of me not coming back downstairs, he came up started banging on the door. I was terrified he'd break the door down. My parents finally got to the house but still no police. It took the police over 2 hours to get to me. This is where I get my hatred for police. I told them the entire situation and all the things he had done to me that day and that he's done it everyday. Still they took over 2 hours. At any rate, when they finally came, they put him in handcuffs, took pictures, and then asked if I was pressing charges. I was so lost, confused, and heartbroken and still being under his brain washing control, I didn't know what to do. The whole time being handcuffed, he kept running his mouth so the police said it didn't matter if I was going to or not, THEY WERE at that point. So, he went to jail again that night. Being that I was still under his mind control I ended up going to the jail for his hearing the next day to testify and tell the judge I didn't want to press charges and stayed there about 13 hours until they released him to come home.

There was another time that my parents came to my rescue. Dad brought his gun and even had it pointed at him. The police were never called that night as again he convinced me to stay and tell my parents that I was okay and to please go home.

Every time he'd get arrested or my parents got involved, he'd apologize and make me believe he was going to change. After a day or 2 of things being decent, he'd go right back to his old self.

I delt with this until March 2007 when my ex fiance (the one I was engaged to back in 2003 and mention in the beginning of this) came back into my life. We fell in love again (I was always in love with him, to be honest and I knew he had always been the one I wanted to spend forever with). He had divorced his wife and convinced me to leave my (now ex) husband. We put our plan in action and a couple days later with my fiance by my side, kicked him out and told him I wanted a divorce. If it wasn't for my fiance don't think I'd be alive today. I think by now I'd have been killed or even killed myself just to be freed of his abuse.

I owe my life to my fiance. We're getting married September 26th this year and I couldn't be happier. While he never heard of BDSM until he met me, he is willing to learn and has been doing so. We're taking it slow, not only because of what I've been through but to give him time to learn things properly so not to hurt me. He'd never raise a hand towards me in anger or to hurt me outside of BDSM activities. Even when he is pissed beyond belief at me the he's never hit me or brought his hand up to hit me. Never. He had already proposed to me before I kicked my (now ex) husband out but he officially asked my dad for my hand in marriage and proposed on Christmas Day of 2007. While we have our issues and problems we continue to work on, I couldn't be happier with him. He is a true gentleman in every sense of the word. He is very protective of me and so I trust him with my life.


I apologize for my thoughts and words being all jumbled. Its very difficult to talk about but I hope they help someone out there. I've shared my story with several people and I want to continue to share with many more in hopes of preventing this from happening to others and to give hope of survival to those that have/are going through it.

[erish]

*takes a deep breath* Hi everyone, and let me add my thanks to denuseri for starting it and all the incredibly brave people who have posted their own stories here. It was my (Almost) Master who pointed me to this thread, and particularly said that in many ways, moco's post above could have been my own.

i was abused from when i was 8 to when i was 9 by the man who came to our house regularly to clean the windows. Such a cliché and one that it is difficult for me to say for some reason. But ... i don't have many memories of what happened. i know he taught me how to give him oral sex, i know there were times when i was on my bed with my underwear around my ankles, but i was so disconnected from my body that i do not know what he did or didn't do.

The consequences emerged when i went away to college, when i became anorexic, then bulimic, and started self-injuring. i've also had many years of therapy, and am at a much better place in my life now, even getting ready to work as a counselor myself. But i do still question how much, if any, of my submissive desires that have been so strong in me for as long as i can remember, are linked to this. Did that make me somehow an easier 'target' for this predator? Or did he ingrain in me more deeply still that i am to do just what i am told?

i don't know if i'll ever have answers to these questions ... but i wanted to acknowledge my own experience here, and say that i look forward to connecting more with such an amazing, strong, surviving community.

[sinfulsex]

so
i was meant to be doing work right now, but again i got distracted my the site again when i found this thread. i have to say thank you to everyone who has posted here and denuseri you are so brave for starting this. knowing that other people have been through abuse and come out stronger for it and have been able to have bdsm relationships. im not ready to share what i went through, and although it may be nothing im comparison to what everyone else has been through, i have only had my own experiences to deal with, and it was the worst.
i find the library such a place of support and really hope with the support of friends irl and on here i can eventually get over this.

thank you

sinful

[denuseri]

Sometimes it is enough to just know that we are not alone and here for each other when there is a need.

We also have an in house Abuse Support Sanctuary found via the following link with instructions for membership that is more private than the open forum or in the social groups section of your profile pages.

I am also allways available to anyone that needs some help.

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/group.php?groupid=6

[IAN 2411]

I am thankful to see that this thread has been spared the curse of the server, and I say this because it is probably the most significant thread on the site, because in there somewhere is a great many lives torn apart by ignorance.

Ok so the site crashed, and we all know that it is part of life on the www, I was looking at the threads and I see that a lot of them are lost, but the memories of what was written in them still remain in my mind. I wrote in many of the threads myself; and some, just a few stick in my mind so firmly. I now feel that thinking of all that is lost it is only right that we should repair the threads as best we can. In the few months that I was a member before the crash I took great stock in what my peers and equals had written in this thread, and I believe I owe denuseri the respect of replacing some of what was lost. This was a repair thread because as I wrote and told you all of my feelings and pain, it repaired a lot of the hurt and guilt inside of me. It is the thread that is in need of repair now and I hope that with others this will be the day it starts.

At the age of 4 years my father beat me wicked with a two inch wide belt, it took place maybe once a week. It was not just me but my brother also, but my father beat me first being the youngest, my brother that was twelve months older than me was also beat, but my father’s rage was subdued when it was his turn. He always received a lighter punishment, and in later years it caused a lot of resentment between my brother and me, and even now looking at him I cannot forget or forgive. My father died some few years ago but, I never went to his funeral and I am unsure why, but I never forgave him, and not even now can I bring myself to do so. It is on record that I had a nervous breakdown at the age of 4 and a half, it begs belief to why that took place. Ok I admit, I am 58 years old now, and this all took place in 1954, things were done different then and children at school in England were punished with the cane.

Schooling was a bitch, I had hiding after hiding and I can remember most even now today. There was a teacher in a first grade school that on every Wednesday, she would get two twelve inch rulers back to back and strike the rear of my thighs. Why? Because it was spelling and I had no idea and was not good enough; this also took place on a Friday, Why? Because I could not say my eight times table in maths, but the over-riding reason was because, she was the head teacher and she could. The worst thing was that it was in front of all the other pupils’ male and female, and all of my friends that were sat there smirking.

I joined the UK Special Forces, and after that no one messed with me until my first wife. She took great pride in pulling me down and rubbing my face into the ground. After a mild argument where she was found to be wrong, she would take her revenge in the darkness of the marital bed. She would rake her fingernails down my bare back drawing the blood, and I would lay there saying nothing with tears in my eyes being a coward. She never did that because she had to, she did that because she could and she knew that I would let her, she also knew that it was not in my nature to strike back. I was glad when I was sent to N Ireland for the troubles, because I found it safer and less painful dodging the Thomson machine gun, molitof cocktails and nail bombs, than it was being with her.

I am in no doubt that all of these traumatic experiences have something to do with the way I think about BDSM. It is a strange feeling though, when after going through all this that, I now find I am attracted to the very thing that gave me so much pain.

I would also like to say something about triggers, and I have had mine pulled on many occasions. I had my trigger pulled only the other week, and it came from a person that I had never taken into consideration. At 86 years old it was my mother, we have never seen eye to eye, but she pulled it and I went off in the expected explosion. The thing was it was because of the lost threads that I realise that she was as much of the problem as my father, teacher and my first wife. She had been standing back in her silence watching all of what took place, and it was as a mother she should have defended me, or at least gave me the love I was seeking.

This thread is about life in the dark world of fear, where silence is just as noisy as the mouth screaming abuse. It is about the lost love and the false love, it is about people that through no fault of their own who have been let down by their peers, their friends and the worst of all their families. When young there are a lot of hearts broken and there are a lot of lives shattered, and I find that it is a good thing that I have lived for 58 years, because I am still picking up the pieces. I have always been led to believe that a person should never look back, but I think that the only way to go forward is to do that very thing. I still have a lot of hurt inside of me, one day; well maybe? I will be returning to this thread because it has captured my mind, the posts that are here are showing the guilty that their crimes will never be forgotten.

Regards ian 2411

[morwyn{Myrddin}]

Hello, i am somewhat gutted that my post to this was lost in the server crash, but would like to repost. Hoping noone has a problem with this! lol.

i am a 32 year old woman, a sub to my Beloved One, and am a survivor of childhood abuse, and i would like to speak of it if i may.(I am capitilizing myself in this where I wish to to denote the fact that I am not submissive to these events!)

I was born to a 14 year old mother, far too young to bring me up, and so was adopted by her aunt and uncle when 3 days old. For all intents and purposes, they are my parents.

My first 3 and a half years were normal baby and toddler hood but then My father started molesting me. Now people say that we as young children would have little memory of events, but some things are pretty firmly implanted! It started out with inappropriate touching and carried on till I left home at 16. 13 years, in which he explored all forms of sexuality with Me. At age 8 he began having full intercourse. He was an extremely sexually sadistic man, and was not happy until I was begging him to stop, struggling, and he would have an excuse to restrain Me. My mother was aware of everything that was going on, to the degree that she began tying Me down for him when I was about 7. My mother had an immense anger problem, and would beat Me on almost a daily basis. The anger that she felt (I can only see in retrospect) that her husband chose her daughter over her was huge and to a degree understandable. But the anger was directed at Me, and taken out on Me. I learnt at a very young age to show no emotion, for any response to anything that happened would just cause more pain.

The emotional abuse was the worst however. The systematic destruction of My spirit was horrendous. I was the child that noone was to know about. My older brothers (not adopted) were allowed to be anywhere they wished. If we had visitors over I was to be in My room and not to be seen by any of them. My grandmother still recalls having to sneak up our hallway and into My room to even be allowed to hug Me, for touching Me was not allowed.

We were a wealthy family, and very respected and powerful in our community, so even though so many people saw what was happening, it was not worth it to go up against My family, yes, I was not worth it to them! At age 9 I made My first suicide attempt. There was no emotion involved, i just did not want to exist another day. Not knowing what I really had to do, I failed miserably (a fact I am eternally grateful for!) Then I discovered self harming, and would cut myself, desperate to "bleed the bad blood out" that My mother swore was in Me.

One morning I awoke (I was 16) and found that I was bleeding from My father anally raping Me, bleeding from My mothers cane and bleeding from My own attempts to get rid of the bad. I looked down at My body and realised that with all the blood on Me I could not tell what was from who. That did it for Me. I walked out to the dining room where My parents both were and just said to them "I am leaving, I don't love you". I walked out that door, never to walk back in. I was 16, moved into a flat I found that day, spent the next 2 years finishing school, then on to University. As soon as I had left I went into therapy. It hurt so very much, but for the first time someone sat there and said that it was not ok. I had ached for those words, bled for them. Slowly I healed, physically yes, emotionally took a while longer. Eventually I learnt to forgive, and let Me tell you, forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. If i had waited till I felt like it I would still be waiting lol. Sometimes it is harder, and it has to be a daily thing for Me, today I forgive them. I do not do so for their sake, but I do for mine. It frees Me.

Does this have anything to do with My passion for lifestyle and being a submissive? How can it not have some influence in what I choose now. There is a huge difference now though, and that is CHOICE. I am not forced into this, I have found what works for Me in a safe way. A way that buiilds Me up, not tears Me down. A way that means I am empowered, for I can say yes, and I can say no. I am no victim, I am no doormat, I am a strong, powerful, beautiful, intelligent, fantastic, feminine, sensual, fiery, fiesty woman, and proud, so proud of who I am. I am not who I am because of them, I am who I am despite them. I have chosen life, not a mere existance, but life. With all it's passions and peculiarities. Every day is a miracle to Me. Every day.

I am grateful for every day of My growing up, for though it was manifestly screwed it has made Me who I am and you know what, I like Me! So I am grateful. I am a survivor. I have chosen to be a survivor.

Choice not chance determines destiny. i just wanted to tell you all My story, because it is not My shame, not a bit!

Warmest hugs........morwyn

[MasterMarine]

You are all amazingly brave, coming forward to share your stories. A true Master need not abuse his charge and a real man would not either. I salute all of you..

[lisasub]

I can relate to some of your story. Other parts I cannot. Regardless of where our experiences are similar, I want to say thank you for sharing and I am glad you survived and thrived!

And to the rest of you brave and amazing people, thank you, too! I am inspired daily to continue in my healing process when I read people's words.

Be well and may peace find you every night...
Lisa

[JaDeDLoVe]

thank you so much Morwyn... your strength is inspiring.

[morwyn{Myrddin}]

my deepest thanks to those that have opened the doors in this thread. Abuse in it's many forms can be such an insidious evil and it is only able to rule us as long as we agree to keep our silence and harbour it within, instead of shouting aloud....."It's NOT ok, and it's NOT my shame"

i applaud all who have posted here, and for those yet to do so i say "when you have found the courage within yourself to tell your truth, there are people here willing to listen, to hold you, to support you, to love you. Take back your power, take back the beauty that is you. Let out the loud whispers from within."

Love and blessings.........morwyn

[SilverMist]

I saw this thread, the headline "victim of abuse" caught my attention. As i spent some time reading through.
First of all denuseri, i want to thank you for starting this thread.
I think this had really brought up some things that i have burried.
denuseri, i am amazed by your strength and amazed by who you have became. And along with others who have shared their experience of abuse. Thank you for being brave to reach out for others who needs a hand.
I myself have been abused in many different ways by many people that I have trusted and let into my life.
I was a daddy's little girl until my parents divorced when I was 6. My mother just kinda took her freedom way to seriously. Started drugs and drinking heavily. I am not going to go on in details of what happened to me. It all started out by sexual abuse at age 9 til i was 15 by my mom's boyfriends, yes plural there.
I have been molested, raped, beatened, verbally abused you name it.
My mother and I never had a mother/daughter relationship that I always yearned for.
I was in a relationship for 8 years who had always put me down. Embarresses me in public. He beats me, controls everything I do. I couldn't even wipe my own ass with out him watching me. After 8 years, my kids and I packed only our clothes we could take and left him and everthing we own behind. We moved to another state to start a new life. My kids were abused as well. I feared for their lives so it was all it took for me to build courage to leave him.
I have forgiven all the ones who hurt me but will never forget what they had done to me. I also thank each and every one of my abuser for making me strong inside. For making me who I am today.
I am a survivor. I believe things happen for a reason. And that we go through this and become strong and smart and help the ones who really needs it.

[lisasub]

Hello all,

I am getting ready to go see my mother for Christmas. She is not my abuser, but she certainly allowed it happen. I was a child (5) when my abuse started and a teenager (14) when it "ended." It didn't end, however, when the actual sexual abuse and torture stopped. It continued in more subtle ways. And that continued until I finally moved out of my family home. The abuse continues to impact me now in terms of PTSD symptoms, as well as in my relationships. I'm feeling particularly vulnerable this year because of some other things going on in my life - related to my abuse, of course - and just felt I needed to name that.
I'm hurting, and remembering some of the insanity of my childhood and thinking about it in different ways. My family has been torn apart and the only good part of my family (my father) is, unfortunately, long dead. I am alone for Christmas - not literally as I will see my mother and some friends (thank God for friends!) - but am not in a relationship. And I am rarely in one because of my abuse.
I'm feeling very lonely and alone this year and am grateful to have found this community and this thread here, as well as the courageous and kind people who post and who read this.
For those of you who celebrate Christmas, I hope it's a Merry one. For all of you, I wish you a peaceful new year.
Thanks for reading.
Lisa

[morwyn{Myrddin}]

Sweetie, thank you for sharing. sending you my warmest hugs of love and support through this time.

[epiphany]

I wish to say thank you to a special Dom who mentioned this thread, after we spoke he thought it might help me in some way if I shared my story. I was a very outgoing, outspoken and fun loving type of individual. I had met a man, who claimed he was a “Christian”, and in outward appearances it appeared that he was. We were married for three years and you could notice subtle changes in his demeanor. He started telling me what I could and could not wear. One time he wanted me to take vitamins. We had company at the house and I did not want them. He actually forced them down my throat. I fought him the entire time. You would have thought I would have seen the damn sign then but I was blind. In the three years I had been with him he had destroyed me mentally. He would not allow me to go home. He would not allow my family to visit unless he approved, he was in total control.

One day I was having a migraine I woke up hearing my daughter crying in the other room. I got up and went in the room opened the door and there is my husband. He is standing up adjusting his pants. a very guilty look on his face. I take my daughter who is three years old into my room and she states her father hurt her “tutu”, which she used to describe as her vagina. I ask her to show me where…..So….long story short…..

A doctor exams her, she has been, they call in DHS….but trust me it is a long process. I go in hiding. I also have a six month old son with me. I am in hiding for approximately six months. We eventually go to a man who is a Psychiatrist/Attorney….very expensive son of a gun. He states that yes she has been abused, no shit Sherlock. He said that he did not believe it was her father, that he thought it was her father’s uncle or her Dads father….WTF….bullshit. We did have supervised visitation for a couple of years. … He had five time the money that I had and a criminal attorney, so after five years, he was granted visitation rights.

I will say that I have no idea why things happen. What happens mold us into what and who we are. I have forgiven him and will always love him because he is my children’s father. They love him and I will love him for them. Forgiveness is one of the hardest things. You may not forget but you can forgive. That is when true healing can begin.

[IAN 2411]

epiphany

I have read all of the posts in this thread, and all the posts that were lost in the crash, and I am at a loss as to what planet these psychiatrist’s come from, that some posts talk about. I think that you are wrong when you say that you should have seen the signs. No one ever sees the signs of an abuser or a controller, because it is a deep secret that they all keep, and that is why so many get away with the things they do. Neither can you see the signs if you are not looking for them; and most abusers put their actions down to love and trust, protectiveness, or discipline, and they use those very words to justify their actions. They will never put it down to their own sickness, and they will always apportion blame to others rather than say it is them that need help.

As for forgiveness, it is as you say the hardest thing to do, but you must be a lot stronger than me, because I will never forgive my abusers, and neither can I ever forget them. I tolerate them, because I never burn bridges that one day I might have to walk back over. I was just wondering as I ask you with the greatest respect, how can you still love the person that has put you through so much mental pain? I think that that could also be your strength of mind now, and it is something to be admired.

Regards ian 2411

[epiphany]

Ian,
Thank you for responding. Let me start with I will never forget what he did and it has taken years, years for forgiveness. This forgviness I have gotten from counseling and my Lord Jesus Christ and trust me when I say I have waived, dear Lord how I have waived with my faith. I found out that his father abused a cousin. I have done research and it is a sad fact that many times, not all, the abused will become the abuser. I am sure he was abused and the vicious cycle continued and he himself was a victim. Yes, he had a choice, but he choose the wrong one and/or his mother did not do what she should have done and left!

You could not believe the details I have left out of this...in the years since.. what he did...but suffice it to say he cont. on with his mental abuse. I eventually became a stronger woman and I am once again the woman I admired.

[denuseri]

This statement on domestic abuse was issued a couple of years ago by the NLA.

Altough it address bdsm related relationships specifically the information they are providing is good to know for any, vanila, kink or otherwise inclined.

Some of us may disagree as to how far some of the things they mention should go etc, but I honestly believe that is all in the sematics as the spirit of the message is centered around consent and abuse of power.



"Domestic violence is not the same as consensual s/m. Yet, abusive relationships do exist within the leather-s/m community, as with all groups. Unfortunately, due to our sexual orientation, abused persons who are into s/m may suffer additional isolation and may hesitate to turn to available resources for fear of rejection or of giving credence to stereotypes. No group is free of domestic battering; but fear, denial, and lack of knowledge have slowed public response to this serious social problem.

Domestic violence is not restricted to one particular group within the s/m community. A person's size, gender, or particular sex role (top-bottom, butch-femme) is irrelevant; anyone can be subject to abuse.

Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time. It is a pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating, coercing, or isolating another without her or his consent. Because of the intimidation factor, where there is abuse in any part of therelationship, there can be no consent.

Defining the Problem: The following questions can help a person to define the problem, which can have characteristics that are physical, sexual, economic, and psychological.
• Does your partner ever hit, choke, or otherwise physically hurt you outside of a scene?
• Has she or he ever restrained you against your will, locked you in a room, or used a weapon of any kind?
• Are you afraid of your partner?
• Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends? Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual s/m. Battering is not something that can be "agreed" upon; there is an absence of safe words or understandings.
• Has she or he ever violated your limits?
• Do you feel trapped in a specific role as either the top or bottom?
• Does your partner constantly criticize your performance, withhold sex as a means of control, or ridicule you for the limits you set?
• Do you feel obligated to have sex?
• Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident?
• Does your partner isolate you from friends, family, or groups?
• Has your partner ever destroyed objects or threatened pets?
• Has your partner abused or threatened your children?
• Does your partner limit access to work or material resources?
• Has he or she ever stolen from you or run up debts?
• Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another?
• Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?
• Is your partner constantly criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self-esteem?
• Does your partner use scenes to express/cover up anger and frustration?
• Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?
No one has the right to abuse you. You are not responsible for the violence. You are not alone; connect with other survivors. There are reasons for staying in abusive relations: fear of (or feelings for) the abuser, and lack of economic or emotional resources. If you stay, help is still available. Find out about shelters, support groups, counselors, anti-violence programs, and crisis lines in your area; ask a friend to help you make these calls. Plan a strategy if you have to leave quickly. Line up friends and family in case of an emergency.

Battering is a crime. Find out about your legal rights and options. You can get the court to order the person to stop hurting you through an Order for Protection or Harassment Restraining Order. You do not need a lawyer.

Domestic violence does exist in the s/m-leather-fetish community. We can make it clear that we will listen to those who have the courage to speak out. Understand that leaving is difficult. Let the person make his or her own choices. Keep all information confidential. Encourage survivors to take legal action and seek support. Help find safe housing and legal advocacy. Hold batterers accountable and urge them to seek treatment. Deny that drug or alcohol use can excuse battering. Support changes in that person's behavior.

Leather groups in our community are crucial to reducing domestic violence. Invite knowledgeable speakers; lead discussions; print up a list for members of what resources in your area are s/m-supportive. Educate your local legal and social service system about our lifestyle; encourage their appropriate intervention. "

Safe Link is a clearinghouse for materials and questions about domestic violence, specifically for persons who are into leather, s/m,or fetish sexuality. It offers a list of readings and is currently compiling a roster of supportive speakers, shelters, and therapists, and information on understanding and using the law.

http://www.pandys.org/articles/bdsmd...cviolence.html


• Kink Aware Professionals (KAP) is a listing, by region, of kink-sympathetic therapists and helping professionals who can help you make a positive change.


http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?...keyword&id=270

[lisasub]

Thank you for the post, Denuseri.
I would add that if your partner has access to weapons that you need to work w/someone at a domestic violence program to plan how to leave safely. If you think the violence will escalate, pay attention to that, particularly around leaving.
There is help out there. Every state has programs, shelters, counselors, to help. And the police and judges are becoming more informed as well so getting a restraining order is not as hard as it used to be. Many states have domestic violence advocates at the courthouse to help survivors navigate the legal system.

Don't go it alone! You don't have to anymore...
Lisa

[kalitat]

I'd also like to add my story. I was born with a hip deformity. Treatment began when I was approximately 18 months old. I remember distinctly my abuse starting at this time. The reason I remember it so distinctly is the treatment consisted of sleeping with a bar with your shoes bolted to it (like a spreader bar). The abuse continued until age 14. It involved everything from inappropriate touching to anal rape. The emotional scars continue to this day in the form of PTSD and flashbacks.

I was introduced to BDSM by a wonderful, experienced Dom who realized what I was (submissive) and how to push me yet stay within my comfort zone. I experienced only 1 flashback which he immediatly recognized and treated lovingly.

I want to open a can of worms to ponder a question I have asked myself for a long time and probably will never have an answer to.

My first experience of sexual pleasure was while I was restrained. I have often wondered if somehow I became "wired" at that time to BDSM. A nature vs nurture sort of thing.

DISCLAIMER: I know there are MANY abuse survivors that are vanilla. That being abused does not necessarily predispose one to BDSM. My thoughts and questions are specifically my own. However, I would appreciate others thoughts and opinions.

[lisasub]

Safe hugs to you, Kali...

So sorry this happened to you. I am glad, however, that I have "met" you here.

I can't speak for anyone but myself but I have wondered the same kind of thing for me. My abuse started around age 5, ended at 14 and I experienced a lot of sexual torture. My sexual fantasies from the time I was a child have included BDSM types of things. And, yes, my body responded to the abuse. Bodies are designed to respond to certain stimulation so that makes sense.

It's taken me years to get where I am in my healing, and it continues to be painful work. And it's taken me years to allow myself to really embrace my BDSM fantasies, rather than judge myself for them.

I have not acted yet in real life on my BDSM side, so I have some work to do to get to a place where I can explore this part of my sexuality - and for me this is about sexuality. Therefore my answer to you is incomplete... a work in progress, as they say. But I did want you to know that you're not alone.

Take care,
Lisa

[IAN 2411]

I'd also like to add my story. I was born with a hip deformity. Treatment began when I was approximately 18 months old. I remember distinctly my abuse starting at this time. The reason I remember it so distinctly is the treatment consisted of sleeping with a bar with your shoes bolted to it (like a spreader bar). The abuse continued until age 14. It involved everything from inappropriate touching to anal rape. The emotional scars continue to this day in the form of PTSD and flashbacks.

I was introduced to BDSM by a wonderful, experienced Dom who realized what I was (submissive) and how to push me yet stay within my comfort zone. I experienced only 1 flashback which he immediatly recognized and treated lovingly.

I want to open a can of worms to ponder a question I have asked myself for a long time and probably will never have an answer to.

My first experience of sexual pleasure was while I was restrained. I have often wondered if somehow I became "wired" at that time to BDSM. A nature vs nurture sort of thing.

DISCLAIMER: I know there are MANY abuse survivors that are vanilla. That being abused does not necessarily predispose one to BDSM. My thoughts and questions are specifically my own. However, I would appreciate others thoughts and opinions.

It takes a lot of courage to write in this thread, throwing your privacy out the window and sharing your hurt and grief with a great many others. I admire you for doing so, and I think the thing that you are asking could be true, yes I think I was wired. If something is done to you as a child, and you are told that it was the correct thing to be done, you automatically think others go through the same experience. Like all learning as a child it stays with you for the rest of your life, logged in, and saved in your computer brain. Example: - eating, knives and forks, toilet training, walking, talking, etc. You know as you get older that things were not right, but your brain is telling you that it is the correct way to go, and one more example, the abused sometimes becomes the abuser, and that is a real but sad fact of life.

I think you could go back through the whole of this thread, and all the posts ask the same question. You are correct in saying that there are a lot of people in vanilla relationships that were abused as a child, and in one way or another. But some of the posts in this thread are written by people that are or have been in vanilla relationships, but I will say that most of the marriages have not worked out, and I feel that there must have been a connection with all of them. I was in a vanilla relationship that turned into a peaceful BDSM relationship for thirty years. It started subtly, but it was because I let it go further was the reason we stayed together so long, others are not so lucky, but I knew my limits and my wife respected my safe word, it was not a safe word as such, it was a un threatening statement.

As I wrote in my earlier post, it is strange that the things that hurt me so much as a child, are now the things that draw me into BDSM and feed my imagination. Also the things that I feared as a child turn me on the most now, as my signature says, I am still seeking knowledge. I don’t know all the answers but I do know all the questions, and I am only relating to you my personnel thoughts and deductions.

Regards ian 2411

[kalitat]

I do also want to add that despite the trauma I wouldn't change it. It's made me who I am today and I happen to like me very much.

[lisasub]

and you are very likable!

[13'sbadkitty]

epiphany

I have read all of the posts in this thread, and all the posts that were lost in the crash, and I am at a loss as to what planet these psychiatrist’s come from, that some posts talk about. I think that you are wrong when you say that you should have seen the signs. No one ever sees the signs of an abuser or a controller, because it is a deep secret that they all keep, and that is why so many get away with the things they do. Neither can you see the signs if you are not looking for them; and most abusers put their actions down to love and trust, protectiveness, or discipline, and they use those very words to justify their actions. They will never put it down to their own sickness, and they will always apportion blame to others rather than say it is them that need help.

As for forgiveness, it is as you say the hardest thing to do, but you must be a lot stronger than me, because I will never forgive my abusers, and neither can I ever forget them. I tolerate them, because I never burn bridges that one day I might have to walk back over. I was just wondering as I ask you with the greatest respect, how can you still love the person that has put you through so much mental pain? I think that that could also be your strength of mind now, and it is something to be admired.

Regards ian 2411

my truth is this...i am a recovered addict and for my staying off drugs...i chose to forgive because the keeping it alive kept me less than alive and it wasn't worth it too me to exist at that low of a level. forgiveness for me came because i needed to and wanted to enjoy my life. i needed to enjoy my kids, and somehow i believe my life has progressed to the place it is because i wasn't strong, just willing to live

[IAN 2411]

my truth is this...i am a recovered addict and for my staying off drugs...i chose to forgive because the keeping it alive kept me less than alive and it wasn't worth it too me to exist at that low of a level. forgiveness for me came because i needed to and wanted to enjoy my life. i needed to enjoy my kids, and somehow i believe my life has progressed to the place it is because i wasn't strong, just willing to live

You are showing your strength by writing a post in this thread, and your strength is also shown by being a recovering adict, with a goal once more in your life, dont put yourself down.

Regards ian 2411