On the issue of the reality of rape, and rape fantasies...

I've had longterm realtionships with only twelve lovers in my life. I started mapping them out, because there are two relationships where a rape greatly effected our relationship and my own sexual identity.

After typing each relationship out and considering them each for thirty minutes,

<snip>

I can't see any reason to post them. They probably don't have relevance to anyone but me, and it seems a little crass to mention them. I was trying to define the trend in my relationships-- the women, their sexual histories, and their fantasies and sexual interests.

There is no trend... Their fantasies have bearing on their experiences, but never really in the same way. My fascination with BDSM/NC/rape has a defined point of origin in one relationship. And with the subsequent year I spent in Gainesville, Florida, during the Rolllings murders.

I think the point I wanted to make in this huge post (whittled down to the essentials now, I hope) is that the majority of the women I've had as lovers were raped at some point. A few of them were locked in cycles of having sex with men who reminded them of their attackers, and replaying the event again and again. Most just moved on and didn't let it change what they wanted in a lover.

I am both attracted and repulsed to ideas of nonconsensual sex and rape. In my fantasies, it's a reality, but not a first person experience-- voyeuristic perspective on villains I manufacture. I don't think I'm capable of getting off on a sexual fantasy of a rape where I'm the villain. In reality, real life kidnappings, abductions, rapes, etc. make me mad as hell-- livid, fists clenched, teeth bare; and it would bother me to no end to learn that something I wrote gave someone an idea about how to take the fantasy into reality.