how can I start to enjoy being dominate

[Sarah1980]

Hi everyone, I'm Sarah and I am new to this board and bdsm in general.

First of all, I don't particularly have an interest in bdsm but my boyfriend does. He likes me to spanked him hard and dominate him. Even though I spank/dominate him I don't really get any pleasure from it. It just feels wrong to hit someone and at the same time enjoy it.

Why do I do it then? because I love him, it makes him happy, and he's extremely grateful. So my question is "how can I start to enjoy being dominate?"

[denuseri]

lol, Well thats like explaining how one can like a paticular food they have never eaten before.

Only the thing with bdsm is that your most likely going to find is its not just any one food...its an entirely different menu with a lot more selection than you will ever find on the vanila buffet.

You can probabely get things going in a lot of different directions if he is consenting and experiment a little with all sorts of other things.> Who knows you may find that spanking him isnt so much fun, but watching him crawl around on his knees in a pink maids outfit doing housework is just the thing to peg your own fun meter.

Or mabey having him at your beck and call to rub and kiss your feet when he isnt busy servicing your own personal needs.

Or...maby being dominant all the time just isnt your cup of tea and you and he should consider taking turns or somthing.

Like ok hon, last night was kink night,,,but tonight I want you to take me out to dinner , buy me a new pair of shoes and go home for a nice old fashioned hump on the couch before bed.

In the end, one must be realistic: if one of you is unhappy all the time becuase their needs are not being met things will simpley not work out.

Have you discussed all this with your partner?

[Jennifer Williams]

It's fine to do something with your partner just for their sake; but maybe you would feel more fulfilled if in return, he did something that you like. What is it that you are seeking from him in bed? Do you get that from him? If there is something that you like and enjoy, ask him if he can do that for you in return, even if it's something that seems simple and small. I've always felt that so long as both people feel whole and satisfied at the end, then it was good sex. And if you can't have them both at the same time, as Denu said, then take turns. Sometimes it's easier to do something 'for' someone when you know they'll do something for you the next time.

As far as enjoying it goes, I get it from seeing how much he enjoys it; mmmm I'll do anything if it makes that cock nice and hard and purple....*drools*

[kingzing]

I am also pretty new here, but I will repeat something that everyone has told me, and that I agree with after my own research and chats with members. Communication is the key to success in any relationship.

But on a different note, you should explore different things, to see what you each of you like. Hopefully you will find an activity you both enjoy.

[thir]

It just feels wrong to hit someone and at the same time enjoy it.

Why do I do it then? because I love him, it makes him happy, and he's extremely grateful. So my question is "how can I start to enjoy being dominate?"

Maybe by working with why it feels wrong to do this, if he likes it so much?
Or is it you liking it that feels wrong?

Feelings in such matters are not govern by reason.

If it is you who have a problem, not because you dislike it, but because you do, then I am pretty sure you'll get past that with a little more time.

Also maybe search out a club or the like, and see how many people like it. Perhaps it wouldn't feel so wrong then.

[nawteeone]

It's fine to do something with your partner just for their sake; but maybe you would feel more fulfilled if in return, he did something that you like. What is it that you are seeking from him in bed? Do you get that from him? If there is something that you like and enjoy, ask him if he can do that for you in return, even if it's something that seems simple and small.

Yes! You're in a great position here, I think. He likes to be dominated, but that doesn't mean you have to break out the black leather & whips (though you might find down the road that you want to! ) just yet. What do YOU like? Give him a good spanking, then TELL him! He'll comply, and you'll both get what you need!

It is hard to get over that "it's wrong to hit" people thing. I had an ex who never, ever felt right doing it, even if i begged him. Look at his reaction...he clearly enjoys it, and it is NOT the same as hitting someone in anger, IMO. There's a huge difference.

[rollsroycemk1]

Ask him to get you excited first,then spank him as a reward

[fetishdj]

I agree that your needs need to be met here as well. There is nothing wrong with switching on occasion if, for example, you prefer to be spanked for a change. So, one day you are in charge, the other he is.

Your first step, however, has to be communication. You need to talk about both your wants and needs. This may involve you writing down and sharing your fantasies with each other (sometimes writing them down is easier than saying them out loud) and making a promise to each other to carry out at least one fantasy from each other's list at least once a fortnight (so one week it is his week to be dominated, next it is your turn to have something you like).

You may even go so far as to complete a BDSM checklist with him - looking at BDSM activities which you like to do or will not like to do. You can do this from both points of view - you complete it as a sub and as a Dom/me. This will give you an idea of what you both enjoy.

True BDSM is about the power and control you have over someone and while M/f BDSM is often about protection and care for the female sub, F/m is more often about the Domme having something the sub wants (usually sex) and controlling them through the application of that. Now, he wants kinky stuff so you can use that to control him. Get your pleasure first (often the case in F/m relationships - Domme cums first, sub second if at all...), make him do things in exchange for his pleasure - clean the house, do DIY, do jobs you hate to do yourself.

Finally... the pain thing... it is tough. I know from personal experience how tough it can be to hurt someone you love, even though they are enjoying it. I used to get really nervous about spanking because I was scared I was spanking too hard and that usually meant she was not enjoying it because it was not hard enough (pun unintentional there but left in because it fits And there's another pun right there... I'll stop now...). In time you will learn to overcome that and be able to enjoy hurting him as much as he enjoys being hurt. One thing I might suggest - aftercare. Talking about it and hugging etc after a kinky act can help and make you feel more comfortable with it. Ask him if you hurt him too much, if he'd like you to hit harder or softer and so on.

[thir]

I
Finally... the pain thing... it is tough. I know from personal experience how tough it can be to hurt someone you love, even though they are enjoying it. I used to get really nervous about spanking because I was scared I was spanking too hard and that usually meant she was not enjoying it because it was not hard enough (pun unintentional there but left in because it fits And there's another pun right there... I'll stop now...). In time you will learn to overcome that and be able to enjoy hurting him as much as he enjoys being hurt. One thing I might suggest - aftercare. Talking about it and hugging etc after a kinky act can help and make you feel more comfortable with it. Ask him if you hurt him too much, if he'd like you to hit harder or softer and so on.

Good answer as always :-)

I disagree with this one, though..Nothing is more chilling than the person in charge keepings asking what to do!
Better a safeword, I'd say, which will work until you know each other well.