From: Milo Chavez, Corporate Counsel
To: Winthrop Hubert Kinckbinder III, Network Chair
RE: Pan Teer Contract

Sir,

First off, on behalf of myself and staff, thank You for Your Most Glorious Magnanimity in permitting us to contribute to the Glory of the Network through the Grace of continued employment. We most humbly cower before You and desire with our very beings that You might find the contents of this missive pleasing.

Vis-a-vis the matter at hand, we have reviewed the proposed arrangement and arrive at the following findings:

Rule #0: If Felina Pan Teer wins the challenge, her present prize will be multiplied by 5. If she loses the challenge, she will lose her prize and become the central pain-slut in the "Creative Torturers" show for one year for no salary, at a rate of one show per week.

Afraid the pesky Labor Board will have issue with the lack of compensation for Ms. Pan Teer's work should she lose the challenge. We recommend offering her minimum wage for hours worked on-camera, then charging her for any room, cage, or kennel that she inhabits during her off hours. Alternately, you could feature the Labor Board on an upcoming episode of "Network Eye Investigates" and trade some editorial control for relief on the Pan Teer matter.



Rule #2: Felina must be able to reach each key. There must be no logical impossibility to reach (touch) the key, either by crawling or contorting.

Not clear if this would impact the audience's ability to insert keys within Ms. Pan Teer's anatomy, as was recently done (my favorite part of the show, actually). Perhaps we could clarify this point with her people.



Rule #5: To win, Felina must release herself from all restraints within six hours after the last restraint has been placed.

Recommend that you add "Felina may not remove any restraints during a commercial break." That way if she gets close, you have the option of running barrages of ads, which will not only preserve your unfair advantage but also nicely drive the bottom line.



Rule #8: If she were to lose, Felina would be assured to get at least one meal and 8h of rest per day during the whole year of her contract.

Again, these are chargeable items if one mis-reads the current actors' union contract in exactly the right way. We may be able to double-end Ms. Pan Teer's participation in this contract! (No pun intended, unless you desire it.)



Rule #10: Felina will be clothed during the next challenge.

In the interest of increasing billable hours and stimulation for the paralegals reviewing the documents, it is strongly recommended that all clothing worn be stipulated in detail (down to the last stitch, including shoes and accessories) in advance of the event. Further, it should be clarified that for this clause to remain legally binding, clothing specified must be worn and may not by discarded by Ms. Pan Teer at all times during the challenge.



Rule #12: The rubber-clad woman who had come so often on stage during the first challenge will not be allowed to contribute to the second challenge.

Afraid this is a tough one. The National Association of Rubber-Clad Women (NARCW) has a spectacularly effective lobbying arm, and will not take kindly to anything they perceive as discrimination. Plus, I believe the woman in question goes to the same dentist as me, and I'd rather avoid any potential unpleasantness in the waiting room... Recommend you find a way to strike this clause.



Rule #13: Everybody must treat Felina with proper respect during her second challenge.

It's apparent from this clause that Ms. Pan Teer has invested in some truly brilliant legal advice for her team! This item is so broadly written as to provide her virtual carte-blanche for victory through rejecting anything she desires as 'lack of proper respect.' I recommend that you require this to be detailed to include items of perceived disrespect and corresponding compensation/punishment, such as "Verbal catcall involving humiliation: perpetrator receives penis gag rolled in the catbox." Etc. I also recommend that you seek to add her advisor to our legal team at your earliest possible convenience.



Rule #14: The presents rules maybe amended by Felina by saying "I agree" or grunting three times in short succession after the amended rule has been spoken to her. If everything is unambiguously recorded and broadcast, this amendment is equivalent to a signed contract.


Not strictly legal advice per se, but please note that if she's gagged, our technical team should have no problem overdubbing grunts at the appropriate points and thus we should be able to maintain this very lucrative property as, well, property for the full one year period.

Best of luck on this challenge!



P.S. Thank You once again for inviting us to Your holiday party. My wife, Marjorie, insists she had a wonderful time and will be released from hospital soon. Also, if it isn't too much of an imposition, if you could see it clear to return our son Derek at some point (he was the 26-year-old about to graduate from law school, if you remember; you branded 'Slave 237' on his back, I believe...) we would indeed be most Gloriously Appreciative.