G42,

I meant most women who have NOT been sexually assaulted probably fantasize about being forced to have sex. I do know women who've been assaulted. The real experience is gruesome enough to prevent their having further fantasies. Maybe men fantasize about things they wouldn't want to do in real life, such as fight in a war. Your friend may have had rape fantasies before being attacked. That doesn't imply that she WANTED it to happen or did anything to precipitate it.

Masochism is a very complex thing. A lot of the pleasure we experience is due to the production of endorphins ("feel-good molecules"), which circulate when we're excited, whether that excitation is pleasurable or painful. You're fortunate that Al is careful of you. There's a fine line between inflicting punishment and being brutal. You don't want a brutal partner.

I think you'll find yourself pushing the boundaries as you grow more experienced. One can never experience a sensation as powerfully after the first time. Growth means change.