Red flags for those new to the lifestyle

[Stone]

Red Flags 6 Comments
Note by MasterBarton about 2 years ago

Red Flags

“Red flag” is a term to describe a personal trait or behavior that is common in people who are harmful to their partners. When getting to know someone it is very important that you look for these red flags. When you see these red flags, slow down or stop the relationship. Understand that none of these red flags alone are definitely a sign of a bad person. They only tend to be an indicator of a problem situation. The more you see these red flags, the more you are at risk. Many of these red flags can apply to both unhealthy Doms and subs.

These recommendations are to help you avoid getting into an abusive relationship. If you think you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship please visit NLA’s Domestic Violence Project web page at: http://www.nlaidvproject.us/

Red Flags:

•Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community.

•Avoids talking about personal details. Gets mad when you ask or quickly ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.

•Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to. Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.

•Is inconsistent with details about themselves. Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.

•Only communicates with you at strange hours and gets mad if you try to contact them at other times.

•Criticizes the BDSM community and refuses to participate, especially if they never were part of it.

•Consistently breaks promises. Always finds excuses for not meeting.

•Always puts blame on others for things going wrong. Does not take personal responsibility.

•Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.

•Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do. Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.

•Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.

•Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.

•Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.

•Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. Says that you are not a “True” sub.

•Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name-calling and blame.

•Puts you down in front of other people.

•Turns instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.

•Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.

•Goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.

•Lies or withholds information.

•Cheats on you or is overly jealous.

•Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like. Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.

•Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions. Belittles your ideas. Blames you for your hurt feelings.

•Abuses alcohol or other drugs.

•Is constantly asking for large amounts of money from you or others.

•Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.

•Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.

•Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.

•Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing. Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.

•Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.

•Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities.

•Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.

•Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers and janitors.

•Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.

This is NOT copyrighted material. Please copy and distribute freely.

[_ID_]

Why are the red flags geared towards a bad Dom? There are bad subs.

[Stone]

It can go either way and lets face facts....far more subby girls are victims of doms than vice versa

[agog ab]

It was a great idea to post this. Hopefully some people will pay attention. Thanks.

[Snark]

What you're describing is behavior that is consistent with a sociopath. I would recommend not getting too close to them regardless of the lifestyle.

[Stone]

Exactly......but alot of people do not know the warning signs......So i came across this and thought its imformation people should have....

[superfuture]

Thanks for posting this... it is really helpful

[_ID_]

It can go either way and lets face facts....far more subby girls are victims of doms than vice versa

True that. Not mentioning both though just turns a blind eye to something going on, and therefore makes it okay.

[peach]

@ID, i re-read that and there is a line that says "Many of these red flags can apply to both unhealthy Doms and subs." So many, if not all of these could apply either way, to subs or Doms. At least that is how i read it. A sub is just as capable of not repsecting limits, being overly emotional (jealous, angry, unstable) as a Dom. I think it points a few more things out to a subs point of view because if the sub is completely immobilized and not able to move, there is little to no risk that said Dom will be hurt in the process.

[peach]

And this is by far not a complete list of things that can and do go wrong both in real life and online relationships. But it is a start, especially for new people, of things to watch out for. Feel free to add to in on this thread, as it was just intended to be a helpful first glance of common red flags.

[lunaticlorraine]

•Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.

I would just like to make a comment about this.
As a sub who suffers from mental health problems this one could be complicated as to whether it is a 'red flag' or not.
Sometimes when I trust someone I will think allowed, or share my thoughts, feelings or problems. This could involve Suicide or Self-harm as I have done both in the past. I just wish to say that some people could take this as threatening suicide or self-harm, but in my case, and maybe others it is not. It is simply thinking allowed or asking for help at a difficult time. But I do agree that if someone threatens suicide or self-harm because you wont do something for them is a bad sign.

Just wanted to share this.

[_ID_]

@ID, i re-read that and there is a line that says "Many of these red flags can apply to both unhealthy Doms and subs." So many, if not all of these could apply either way, to subs or Doms. At least that is how i read it. A sub is just as capable of not repsecting limits, being overly emotional (jealous, angry, unstable) as a Dom. I think it points a few more things out to a subs point of view because if the sub is completely immobilized and not able to move, there is little to no risk that said Dom will be hurt in the process.

My point was that it was written around a Male Dom who would raise flags. That you had to re-read to catch that it was also geared towards either side of the slash only proves my point.

[rosebud]

Agreed, that this is a must read for those new and also, not so new! Thx for posting, Stone!

[lucy]

All in all very true, although I disagree with quite a few 'red flags' on that list. For example those below. Maybe it should be added in that
(For simplicity's sake I'm assuming we're talking 'bout a self-proclaimed Dom)

•Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.

Maybe. But only if the sub in concern doesn't voice their objections. And what's too fast? And how to recognize it when the hormones go rampant?

•Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.

Oh my. Now falling in love is a bad thing?

•Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.

Doms that allow their authority to be questioned routinely get called douchebags.

•Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name-calling and blame.

Sounds like me when I'm on PMS.

•Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.

That's bad? I don't think so. It only is bad when he uses whatever he sees to the sub's disadvantage.
Personally, i was pretty glad my Master kept an eye on my online activities after we got together.

•Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing. Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.

Wot? it isn't all about sex and mindblowing orgasms?

•Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.

Let's face it: There's tons of chicks out there who think that's how a Dominant should be.

•Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities.

A sub would hardly know about that, right? And if she does it would be a red flag because of the dudes stupidity to let her know...

But I still hope a few people read it before they get their fingers burned, or worse. However, seeing how some people (especially women...) desperately throw themselves after every shitbag that claims to be a Dom i don't think this list will do much good.

[Kuve {Sett}]

Lucy: The fact that a lot of subs, male and female, might ignore the advice in no way means the advice itself is bad, if it helps even a few fledgling subs avoid getting hurt it was worth the posting. It must never be forgotten that we are all individuals and that there is no one, single "correct" way to play, without open and honest two way communication, which is what the flags you cite would tend to eliminate, there is no way for a sub to ensure there own needs are met which will usually end the relationship anyway.

[lucy]

Lucy: The fact that a lot of subs, male and female, might ignore the advice in no way means the advice itself is bad, if it helps even a few fledgling subs avoid getting hurt it was worth the posting.

Yup, right. That's exactly why I said that too.

... there is no one, single "correct" way to play, without open and honest two way communication ...

There is not one correct way with open and honest two way communication either, there are as many ways as there are relationships. But that's semantics.

...there is no way for a sub to ensure there own needs are met which will usually end the relationship anyway.

It will? Really? It would be easy to paste links in here to a couple hundred threads on all different sites, including this, where you can read the tales of subs doing exactly this: Stay in a relationship in which their needs aren't met, or in which communication wasn't key but rather inexistent.

But still, if this list helps only one individual to stay out of harms way it was worth posting it. That much I completely agree with.

[angelic.zest]

I would also like to add that using ones common sense can help a great deal! I know I have gotten into situations when i was brand new into the lifestyle and I would like to say I did some stupid stuff so I know how it is lol. I know not everyone has common sense but there has to be a gut feeling some where that tells that person "this just doesn't seem right". Plus asking around helps when making decisions, also trying to find a mentor can help also.

[~little~miss~spitfire~]

I think everyone should have a copy of these pasted to their walls! So many of these flags are waving regarding someone in particular I met in the past week...so many there's enough for a jubilee celebration! Really it was the trying to stop me coming back into the Library because according to him neither of us had any need to come back here anymore since we found eachother that the biggest alarm went off in my head, I went straight back in and discovered precisely what had been going on, and that all the other red flags were waving merrily too! Trust your instinct people....it is rarely wrong.

[selkie]

I wish that I had found this 7 years ago! Would have saved me 6 years of abuse with a wannabe dom (he doesn't deserve a capital letter) Funny how finding a real DOM and getting back in the community (there is that alienation thing) showed me how things are supposed to be!

[Reya]

I would just like to make a comment about this.
As a sub who suffers from mental health problems this one could be complicated as to whether it is a 'red flag' or not.
Sometimes when I trust someone I will think allowed, or share my thoughts, feelings or problems. This could involve Suicide or Self-harm as I have done both in the past. I just wish to say that some people could take this as threatening suicide or self-harm, but in my case, and maybe others it is not. It is simply thinking allowed or asking for help at a difficult time. But I do agree that if someone threatens suicide or self-harm because you wont do something for them is a bad sign.

Just wanted to share this.

Asking for help or sharing concerns about suicide or self-harm are things that SHOULD be talked about in a healthy and honest relationship as people with thoughts or suicide or self harm really need to rely on close friends and family for support. So many people don't ask for help and when the warning signs are missed, bad things can and do happen.

That said, I'm fairly certain the point on this list refers to "If you dump me I'll kill myself". I've been a victim of this in a past relationship and while my story ended happily with him receiving treatment and myself looking for a new boyfriend, a lot of people find themselves stuck in an abusive relationship for reasons like this.

In response to _ID_: Some of the points on here I believe are pointed towards subs (Or in my mind at least they are, but obviously each of these points can be geared towards a dom). The threatening suicide or self harm is a big one. Another is: "Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you." (I've been a victim of this one too... I blocked him from my phone and online immediately and haven't spoken to him since, thank goodness.)

[Stone]

Yes most of these can be for either role....and lucy yes someone falling in love with you and saying you are the love of their life after talking to them for a week online and never meeting them is a huge red flag.......I dont know about you but I dont fall in love that easily.....and yes it's not all about sex........if its all about sex the dom could jsut get a blow up doll and a bottle of lube......there is the little thing called service....you know doing non-sexual things for your dom/me....and yes my sub can question my role and authority....and I will tell them why it is the way it is they can accept it or not....but to just say becuase i said so and do not question me is rather lame...and a dom/me that can not control themselfs or their emotions is a bad thing......or is it ok if I had a really shitty day at work to come home pissed off and beat the shit out of my sub and call her names and such for no other reason than I am mad and "can't" control myself or my emotions.....

[zee]

Wow - great information and great discussion. I just love this community (sigh....)

Many of these traits are signs it's time to run like hell, regardless of the relationship. I can see where they could be especially detrimental in a Dom.

[Lady FireinIce]

•Is constantly asking for large amounts of money from you or others.




•Is constantly asking for large amounts of money from you or others.

•Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities.

•Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.

I am new to taking My Financial Dominance kink from private to Openly practicing it. Some people get turned on and not off by being financialy raped, humiliated and the like. However I concur that just asking any and everyone for money would be a huge flag as it should be for any who do not lean that way.

Use of multiple Identities in and of itself could be a person testing their kink, I progressed from a complete newbie to a slave personna taKara (I quickly learned I was more S/switch than slave before finding My true role of Goddess ;~P). In some cases the different personnas have more to do with not yet being publicly "Out". In My case I live in a very uptight community where the perdominant Religion frowns on anything that isn't to their standards. I forgot My Yahoo and fb accounts were linked and had some rather uncomfortable explanations to make when I started my Own Yahoo group. So while this could be a red flag not all multiple ID's is for neffariuos purposes.

How many of U/us have had the perfect storm of events that take U/us from being active in whatever on-line community and or Real Time communities to finding O/ourselves without access to all our stored info ( Motherboard fries or Virus wipes everything clean), Computer access (Librarys do not allow adult material to be veiwed or descimnated over their networks) Income loss due to lay-off and/or health or Famililial problems consume U/us completely and unable to reach but one or two people that may in turn be unable to reach your contacts either?? I have and actually maintain the old yahoo e-mail addy for My S/switch days simply because I have numerous contacts that have also had simmilar life alterring issues and only rarely check their e-mail. Again at face value red flags .... ~S~


Thank You stone for the info, please consider My ramblings as that of a smart ass that just has to argue sometimes for arguments sake ~S~

[alpha1043]

I think that list is fantastic its a scary world when you cant tell an honest lover of BDSM from a abusive sociopath and i really dont think thers enough safety propaganda out there to begin with.

[VaAugusta]

Thank god for lucy.

Anyways, if you're too stupid to understand what constitutes for a redflag, you probably shouldn't be attempting a d/s relationship. Or any relationship for that matter.

Probably best to just stay inside.

[Chekaman]

This is helpful to any would be sub or Dom/me.Thank you for posting it.

[Stone]

Shakeshead....People its not a list where you check one box and go oh shit run away run away run away...one thing on this list most likely will amount to nothing but if said person has a check in every box...you better run like hell...mostly this is just warning signs you start seeing these behaviors and hopefully this list will trigger in you mind and make you go..maybe i should take a second look...

[leo9]

What you're describing is behavior that is consistent with a sociopath. I would recommend not getting too close to them regardless of the lifestyle.

Stone's point is that it's easy for a starry-eyed newbie to think, or be persuaded, that such sociopathic behaviour is the mark of a "True Dominate" (spelling intended). Plenty of fantasy Doms (e.g. the heroes of lots of stories on the Library, including some I've written,) are sociopaths by real life standards. (In the same way that most action-adventure heroes are.) This is a reality checklist.

[lucy]

Thank god for lucy.

Anyways, if you're too stupid to understand what constitutes for a redflag, you probably shouldn't be attempting a d/s relationship. Or any relationship for that matter.

Probably best to just stay inside.

Thank you. I'm not only attempting a d/s relationship, I think I'm doing a pretty good job at it. But if you think I'm too stupid I will of course log off and immediately ask my Master to release me....

Joking aside: I just pointed out that not all of those red flags are as red as one could believe, especially if not taken into context, as Stone has pointed out.
Plus, I really heavily doubted (and still doubt) that a lot of people read it before they get their fingers burned.
But if differing opinions aren't welcome I can easily shut up.

[denuseri]

<<< Has no idea why people would be offended by this thread or the promotion of safety. It doen't make sence to get bent over people wishing to look out for other people, unless the redflag shoe fits for some reason.

I see way too many people come online who appear to leave their common sence at the log in screen. I was unfortunate enough to do that very thing myself once and almost paid the ultimate price. It pains me to think how many of my sisters make the same mistakes.

One of the things I like about this site over others is that it doesn't promote that kind of thinking (or lack there of) and I would like to thank them as well as the OP and others (I know you know who you are) for taking the time to remind people to keep a hold of that common sence and put safety first over kink.