You are the second person to mention the passive element - I have never heard this before and I do not understand what is meant. Could you elaborate a bit?
metaphor i use for that..is kinda like handing over the keys to your car to somebody and letting them drive.. you still got a say in the destination and its still your car.. just going along for the 'ride'.. topping is being the one borrowing the keys in that scene i guess..

I think with a developing relationship the only way forward is to take it from scratch and discuss if you are the right two. (Or more, of course.)
pretty much the only way it works i think.. otherwise is just a lot of headbutting..