Censorship In The Lifestyle
I have read many different discussion lists, web sites, and been involved in quite a few discussions about safety and the responsibility of those in the lifestyle to those just learning it. But my opinion is that censorship is not the way to go about protecting or teaching anyone anything. All it shows is intolerance for those who are different from us and teaches those who are watching the censorship take place, that anyone different from them is flat out wrong. And for those who's ideas/thoughts/desires/needs may be different from the one doing the censoring, this can create a huge conflict within them, by reinforcing their belief that there is something wrong with them.

The best way to get many people to do something you want them to do, is to tell them never to do it. Reverse psychology has a strong effect on many people. For example, a sign that says keep off the grass. Just about every person will at least tap the grass with their toes, or flat out walk right across it ignoring the sign completely. That sign creating an urge in them to do the forbidden. It is a dark part of human nature. By censoring information and preventing others from finding the truth and others opinions of this information, we create the same situation. This activity becomes "forbidden fruit" and many will seek it out simply because it is forbidden and without the education they need to make a well informed choice for themselves. Honest and open education of every variance which arises in BDSM is the only way to provide a new comer with the proper tools needed to make their way through this journey of self discovery and physical sensation.

The best way we can help those who are new to the lifestyle is by providing them with as much information as possible, and this includes things we personally may not choose to do. Provide different points of view, and well thought out reasons for agreeing or disagreeing with a particular activity. Provide different emotions and thoughts on any activity. And repeatedly tell them to compare their own thoughts/feelings/desires with those of others, and decide for themselves what is right for them and what is not. By censoring this information, we deprive those who are new to the lifestyle from a factual and well rounded view of the entire lifestyle. BDSM is not all fun and games, and that should be made clear. BDSM contains activities many of us may not like doing or knowing that others do them, but that
doesn't give us the right to deny the information to others. Or to censor them in the hopes that we can sway someone to our way of thinking. Things like edge play, water sports, cutting, branding etc. are all things that many people enjoy, some of which I do not enjoy. But I consider it my responsibility (to myself first) to at least know some of the basics about these activities before I flat out decide I don't like them. I also consider it a goal of mine to be able to provide this information to others, even if it isn't something I personally enjoy. In the presenting of this information, I make it known that this is not something I enjoy and my reasons for it but that many others do enjoy it and have stated the following reasons for liking the activity. I feel it shows more about tolerance and acceptance to be able to provide some information on as many things as I can, even if I don't personally enjoy them, than anything else does. It's these unspoken actions that teach the most memorable lessons.

As a group we worry constantly about how those outside of BDSM view us. We argue and bemoan the fact that we have to practice our lifestyle in private. We decree that it is not fair that we are not accepted. yet we don't see that we are just as judgmental amongst ourselves as others are of us as a whole. This inter judgementalism (I know that's not a real word) is what those outside the lifestyle see. It is this that allows the ease for others to sit back and pick the lifestyle apart. We are all human and all fallible and susceptible to the same failings as everyone else, vanilla or BDSM. By denying parts of the lifestyle ourselves, we are in effect doing the same thing those outside the lifestyle do, denying it entirely. If we can't practice what we preach, we can not expect anyone else to do so either.

It is human nature to do our best to sway someone else to our points of view. It is very difficult to place ourselves in someone else's shoes and really see a situation from that person's point of view. But this is something that if practiced, can be learned. And once learned, if used, can go a long way towards preventing the many arguments we find ourselves in the midst of in this lifestyle. Being able to do this,
breeds tolerance for others through understanding of their point of view. By being able to present both sides (or more as the case may be) of an issue, breeds deeper understanding in others as well as shows in a clear cut manner the tolerance and acceptance that we talk of so often. By being able to present more than just one side of anything, we make it easier for those who are new to actually learn something rather than ignore the whole topic because of in fighting and sarcastic responses.

I personally do not agree with censorship on a "general" BDSM discussion list or web site because of the reasons stated above. Censorship does no one any good, whereas open education by presenting in a decent manner as much information as possible, will go a lot further towards breeding the results we want in both new comers, and those outside the lifestyle. In most cases the desired result is acceptance and understanding of the lifestyle and those within it.

Self-Esteem & BDSM
The most difficult thing for many people to understand is what self esteem is and how it affects their relationships with others. Everyone seems to have their own idea of what self esteem is. Self esteem, to me, is basically the ability to look at yourself as a good person. The presence or lack of self esteem can effect one's relationships in many ways.

When people think of self esteem they tend to think of it in very broad terms and use it to encompass more than I feel it does. Self esteem is basically being able to know you are worthy human being. This does not mean that you think of yourself as always right or as a gift to humanity. A person can have a strong sense of self esteem and still be aware of their faults, whatever they may be. Self esteem does not prevent a person from striving to broaden their horizons or strengthen their weaknesses. I believe that for one to have a strong sense of self esteem one must be able to see their good points as well as their bad ones. One must be able to see themselves as a worthy human being over all. A good sense of self esteem does not rely upon others to make it strong. Nor does it say that one should sit back and not try to improve themselves.

Self esteem can and does affect one's relationship with others. A person with a good sense of self esteem, will not usually become co-dependent upon their partner. They will not look to their partner to define their own identity. Their identity will remain seperate, though it will be enhanced by their involvment in any relationship.

Within BDSM, a strong sense of self esteem becomes very important. BDSM can become an all encompasing lifestyle that seeps into every aspect of one's life. If a person does not have a strong sense of their own self worth, they could very easily become totally dependent upon their partner for their sense of self worth. This can cause a level of dependency that is destructive to the relationship rather than a healthy part of the relationship. A person with a low self esteem becomes like a clinging vine which can eventually choke the very life from a relationship. As well, a person with a low self esteem is more likely to become involved in an abusive relationship which causes further damage to them. Most who lack self esteem would fall into the doormat category that is heard of so often. This being, a person who lets someone do whatever they want, without any regard for themselves in any fashion at all. Even a slave has some regard for themselves, a door mat does not. A door mat, or person with no self esteem, is easily manipulated and abused whether it be in BDSM or not.

A person with a strong sense of self esteem, who enters into a BDSM relationship, will be an asset to themselves and thier partner. The relationship will enhance their life and their view of themselves, not be the only source of defining these things. Someone with a strong sense of self esteem will not become so immersed in BDSM that it takes over their life to a point that it is all they can see or relate to. BDSM will enhance their lives, not be their lives. (yes this is rather paradoxical since BDSM can be the basis and a large part of one's life) A person with strong self esteem, is less likely to be taken in by those who are abusive. A person with a strong self esteem, is more capable of making a clear and informed choice to enter into a BDSM relationship. They are more knowledgable of themselves and their needs or wants. They would be less apt to completely set aside those needs or wants just to be in a relationship.

Self esteem should be something everyone has by the time they are grown. Unfortunately with life being as it is, not everyone has a strong sense of self esteem. BDSM, believe it or not, can enhance one's self esteem. It can allow a person with a shakey self esteem to gain a solid foundation of pride. In many relationships, the participants are told often they are good, beautiful what have you. Through the communication, trust, and honesty of a BDSM relationship, self esteem can be repaired or strengthened. Some ways to do this are common things done in BDSM relationships, but many don't see their benefits. For example, having a submissive list the things he/she has done right in a day can help shift the submissive's first thoughts from their bad points or things done wrong, to the things they did right. This can promote a healthier view of themselves. As well, this can prevent the common trap of self destruction that many people have by viewing themselves only in a bad light. Other things are setting rules such as the submissive can not speak ill of him/herself can help change a thought process from a negative based one to a more positive based one.

Most dominants when asked about self esteem in a submissive, state that they want a submissive who has a sense of self outside of the relationship. They state that such a sense of self allows the submissive to enhance the relationship, not detract from it. The same goes for the dominant.
Self esteem is not something that can be gained over night if it is lacking. But it is something which can be gained and should be for the relationship to be a satisfying and healthy one.

Fear In BDSM
Fear is something that many misunderstand. It is a wonderful tool that is often used in BDSM with favorable results. Also, it is a word that has a bad connotation to it because people in general do not like to feel fear. Yet often we thrive on the very sensations fear causes in our bodies. Fear comes as a response to many different things. Something we know may hurt us, can cause us to be afraid of it. People sometimes fear things they do not understand and rather than try to understand it, they act out of fear and attempt to destroy it instead. Fear can become a phobia. When many people think of fear, they are really thinking of phobias. Phobias are based in fear, but the fear is raised to an irrational level that adversely affects one's ability to function normally on a day to day basis. (fear of going outside is one such phobia)

Fear as it pertains to BDSM is a complicated topic. People hear the words "I fear punishment" from a submissive, and take it automatically to mean "I fear retribution from my abuser". There are differences between those two statements and situations. First off, a submissive should and normally does fear punishment. Not just for the physical pain caused if the punishment is a corporal one, but for the emotional feeling of having displeased their dominant. The submissive should not fear thier dominant will really hurt them. The second statement implies fear of the person themselves, not just their actions. This statement implies an abusive relationship in which the person fears for their lives and fears permanent physical harm. In the first situation, consent has been given from the submissive to the dominant to punish if neccessary. In the second situation, consent was not given and the retribution is not wanted.

Fear, when felt, causes an adrenaline rush in the human body. This can make a person feel stronger, more aware of their environment, and even sexually aroused. Fear, when used in this manner, can indeed create a greatly satisfying encounter for the people involved. In this situation, fear is not detrimental, it is in fact heightening the responses of the participants. Within BDSM, a submissive may fear something new that they have not tried before, fear their own reactions to things, and fear the unknown. Take anyone and tie them up securely, blindfold them, and either lessen or remove their ability to hear, and the person will feel fear. Within BDSM, this fear should not detract from the situation, but instead it should enhance it.

Many emotions cause chemical reactions within the human body. Pain releases endorphines, fear releases adrenaline, both of which alone or when combined, can greatly increase sexual arousal. Fear is used as a tool by many dominants, to increase the pleasure the submissive feels in the encounters. For this reason, fear is for many a great aphrodisiac.

Within BDSM, fear is not phobic in nature. It does not prevent the participants from functioning normally. It is what I would call a healthy fear. An unhealthy fear is one that prevents a person from doing the things they should be (or want to be ) doing. A healthy fear is one that allows a person to respect their limitations and remain within safe limits for their activities. It does not prevent them from doing the things they wish to do.
BDSM Overload

One of the things I have noticed that many people do with BDSM is get into it to a point where it is all they focus on. Their relationship centers solely around BDSM. Any discussions take in only BDSM related topics. This kind of overkill, though understandable, can and will eventually wear off. Leaving those involved feeling as they have "lost" their world. Or lost their feelings for BDSM. This can lead to very damaging beliefs that they are not what they thought they were (iE; dominant or submissive). This period of time can become a major problem and break a relationship that is otherwise perfectly fine.

When one thinks of vanilla relationships, they thinking of the many things the people involved have in common. Food likes, colors, reading, movies, what ever. The focus of the relationship is more on what the couple can do together, outside of sex. In BDSM relationship, often times, the focus centers more on BDSM aspects than anything more "vanilla". In losing sight of the "vanilla" aspects of yourself and your partner, you create a vacuum which eventually will break. If you are not prepared for, or expecting this breakage, it can drive you apart.

When someone tells me they are negotiating for a BDSM live in relationship (or even play partner) I like to remind them that there is more to both themselves and their prospective partner than BDSM. Have they discussed the things that they would if BDSM were not involved. Often times, the answer is "no, I didn't think of that". Every relationship has activities outside of BDSM. Every relationship is affected by real life. These things must be taken into consideration. During a period of high stress (for either partner) often the power exchange (though still there) takes a less active role in the relationship. This is normal and should happen when stress hits. For those with children, each partner having jobs, and all the other vanilla type stuff we have to do, it often becomes overwhelming and BDSM becomes just too much "work" to bother with. Does that mean it is over for the relationship? not necessarily. Does it mean the people involved no longer are dominant or submissive? not necessarily. What it means, in my opinion, is that quite
simply real people are struggling with real life and must prioritize. During that time, certain things do get put on a back burner. BDSM is one of those for many people. Though the power exchange may still be there, (it is after all mental) the physical showing of it may not be as frequent as it once was, or as intense.

The best thing to do when this happens, is try to figure out where the stress is coming from. If it is obvious (work related, child related etc.) then relax. When the stress calms down, life will return to a more "normal" level. As well, try to find a balance between BDSM and the rest of who you are. No one is just a sub or just a dom, that is part of who they are yes, but there is more to them than that. Everyone has likes, dislikes, activities they enjoy, things they don't enjoy, causes they feel strongly about, whatever. Try to remember this and to interact with your partner on those levels as well as the BDSM.

If you reach a point where you feel you are just going through the motions, it is a good idea to sit down and openly discuss what is going on both in the BDSM aspect of your life, and the other aspects. It is perfectly fine, in my opinion, to take a "break" from BDSM if that is what you feel needs to be done. Often, it is necessary to take a break, specially if BDSM has been a main focus for a long time. A person will get "burn out" eventually.
Keep in mind that life is not static and nor are any relationships. If you keep a reality stand point to your relationship, it will make it through the "rough" spots.