Finding Your Dominant

Are you looking for a magic spell? Are you looking for a unique formula that will guarantee you the results you want? Well, there isn't any trick. Not really...

If you are looking for a lifetime partner, that one special person to share your life with, then you start at the beginning. First you sit down and identify who you are. By this I mean your views on morality, ethics, spirituality, politics, race, child rearing, your taste in music, shows, food, theater and especially your sense of humor. Yes!!! Everything counts. These foundational aspects count the most. Too many people look through the wrong end of the periscope, looking for the D/s aspect instead of the quality person. When you believe you have a clear and unbiased view of yourself, then your task is to find someone that parallel's you. This is crucial. In many ways in the distance of a relationship a submissive will release their limits. If they love their Dominant they may cease using safe-words or signs wanting only to please their Dominant. So, it is a good idea to 'match' with the same limits as your Dominant FROM THE BEGINNING. In addition, if you are a hamburger person, you may have trouble eating steak and caviar - be real and honest!

Yes, Dominants have limits. They have the same mental processes as anyone else; the same unique blends of interests, ideas, and fantasies. By seeking someone who matches you then you reduce (by a huge amount) the potentials of limits violations.

So, you have your list in hand...now what? Since you are probably receiving this through AOL or online my next suggestion is to conduct a member search of the directory that AOL offers to its members. This you can do by typing in such clues as keywords like Dominant, Master, Domme, and Mistress. Then type in your local area. This is important. It is my sincere and honest opinion that you should allow your search to extend no further than a 200-mile radius (or 3 hour drive) from your permanent location. Long distance relationships have very poor statistics; they can foster illusions and fantasies and in general can create dangers and problems that are much less common 'within' your local community. After you have located some members from your area, you may decide to read those who have profiles. You may note a few that 'might' be interesting. You might want to consider sending a polite introductory email letter. In addition I recommend connecting with your local community. Virtually ALL areas of the country have them. Many are invisible for excellent reasons. It will take a bit of work to find them. This can also be addressed in your initial email letters. You can ask for contact information. In some larger cities the organizations are bigger and somewhat easy to find. Join. Attend a few local social events (I am NOT talking play parties or open dungeons but demo's and workshops or even weddings!).

By limiting your search to your immediate vicinity you INCREASE the potentials of finding a partner within a distance where the growth of a relationship CAN occur. Relationships are in REAL LIFE. They are not in cyber conversations and long distance phone calls with 4 times a year meetings. Some people look to long distance to 'prevent' the odds of making a relationship real or to allow them to have casual affairs (regardless of what they say!). They enjoy the fantasy of online infatuations and involvements without the subsequent responsibilities that reality would require. They are designs that most frequently injure. If you find you are constantly finding Mr. or Ms RIGHT 3000 miles away, you are probably subconsciously preventing yourself from committing fully with a relationship that is realistically viable. When contacting potential partner's in your area, be open enough to express yourself clearly but try not to give them the answers to all your hopes and dreams. Some people will attempt to 'appear' just right when they really are not. Keep your conversation courteous but not deferential. It is important when looking for a life partner to explore all of those vanilla aspects. The things on your list. If the person you have contacted has no desire to do this, then they cannot be actively searching for a partner. If the person ONLY has a desire to role-play and TALK D/s or BDSM, then they may NOT be looking for a life partner. If they immediately insist you call them an honorific title etc. then you should probably move along to someone else. In general terms this can indicate a poor self-image or a person with a less than clear understanding of the D/s relationship or lifestyle in the real world.

Honorific titles are earned - not bestowed by typing in a screen name box or by telling other people that you ARE something. It is my opinion that to earn respect one must BE respectable. This is done through actions over a long and tractable time - consistent actions and behavior BECOMING to the individual. To ME this is a person with quality traits that I find easy to admire and understand. This is the person who is paying their bills, handling their obligations (such as childcare or child support), maintaining relationships long term with friends and family, pursuing hobbies and interests EXTERNAL to the BDSM world.

Next I recommend a fairly prompt meeting when you find a person who is interesting to you. The longer you communicate online or on the phone the more a fantasy or assumption of expectation can occur. This SHOULD be a strictly vanilla meeting. Lunch in a public place with NO plans for anything further that day at all. DO set up safe calls. In this way you can see if you have any physical chemistry at all. Return to your home and allow a minimum of 24 hours to come down! For the submissive they become psyched up and to some extent forced into space (for many but not all) due to the excitement and anxiety of meeting for the first time. This can make them make choices that are not well considered WITHIN the moment. By allowing a mandatory cooling off period they can usually regroup to clearly decide what they think. (This should mean no follow up phone calls or internet contact during that period either.)

Do NOT feel ANY obligation for further contact. You have NO agreement with this person and should not be motivated to a continued contact due to feelings of shame, guilt or any other emotion of like kind. In addition you should ask for and receive references from the Dominant prior to agreeing to any meeting. These should include other submissives that this Dominant has been with locally (sometimes called a submissive network). A Dominant local to you with NO references is either too new to have them or with problems that s/he is hiding from you. Both of these situations create a serious problem for YOU. A Dominant IS a reflection of their real life reputation. By having no reputation you are required to accept their word more. If this is so, ensure that you have ADDITIONAL information regarding this person prior to meeting them. Have them fax a current Drivers License to you, a copy of their Social Security card as well as current phone numbers for both home and work. No beepers!

If they refuse then they are probably lying to you. The risk is almost ALL one-sided here. If they cannot give you a phone number that you can call at ANY time then they are probably living with someone who might be a spouse or significant other unaware of their activities. If they refuse to give you a work phone number then they may be lying about where they work, their real name etc. If they give you a beeper or cellular phone you have NO way of discovering if they are being truthful about those same issues. You may still move forward to a meeting but if you do your RISKS are MUCH higher and you should probably bring along a good friend as an accompaniment. Note: The presence of children in the home is NOT a good reason for non-release of a phone number! It is normal for adults to receive phone calls ALL the time that children have no reason to question!

Each of these things presents you with the LARGEST opportunity of finding someone real, local with the potentials of a long term and viable relationship. Remember that the grass is NOT greener on the other side (or far away). If you live in a tiny or remote area you may need to travel further than my recommendation but look NO further than the closest large city! Beyond that and your odds descend rapidly.

Communication
Communication is one of the most important aspects of a d/s relationship. It can be considered the most important aspect. Without communication, any relationship will not last very long.

Communication affects a relationship in many ways. Firstly, it allows the participants to grow closer to one another through sharing their thoughts and feelings. For many people having a close mental and emotional bond with their partner is an important part of their relationship. Without effective communication, that bond can not be created.


Secondly, it allows each person to learn more about the other person. In a d/s relationship that is very important for both a dominant or a submissive. A submissive can't meet the needs of the dominant unless he/she knows what those needs are, and what makes the dominant happiest. A dominant can not make informed choices for the submissive's best interests, if the dominant does not know the submissive's desires and likes or dislikes.

Communication breeds trust in the relationship. The better you get to know someone, the more you either trust or distrust them. Without communication, trust can not grow and a d/s relationship relies on trust to be satisfying.

Many are confused as to what is true communication and what is not. Barking out orders and expecting total obedience in return, is a form of communication, but it is not the communication that builds the relationship. When we talk about communication in a d/s relationship, we are discussing the ability of the participants to talk to one another. Conversations about mundane things, emotions, problems, concerns, and anything else, is communication. In a relationship, the ability to talk to one another is of utmost importance to keeping the relationship alive.

How does one communicate effectively in a d/s relationship? This differs for everyone, but some of the basics of effective communication apply to every relationship. First you have to be able to talk. To place your thoughts or feelings into words, then express those words to your partner. Second, and the hardest part of communication, you have to know how to listen. By that I mean, really listen. Not pretend to listen, or hear only bits and pieces, then finish the sentence for the speaker. You have to be able to calmly listen to what your partner is saying, and actually hear it.

Don't form your rebuttal or answer BEFORE he/she has finished speaking. Wait until they are done speaking, then think for a moment before answering. Don't interrupt when the other is speaking. This shows that you care about what your partner is saying and you are truly interested in hearing what they have to say. By doing this, you make your partner want to talk to you more because they will feel heard. This is especially important with a woman. Women prefer to talk things out, so listening when a woman is talking can make you look "great!" in her eyes.

Being able to actively listen, can prevent quite a few problems caused by misunderstandings. Do not be afraid to ask for clarification if the speaker says something you don't quite understand. It is safer to ask for clarification than to just assume what you think the person said.

Good communication skills take practice to develop. Specially since everyone communicates differently. In a relationship it becomes a matter of adjusting to the way your partner talks and being able to adjust your communication skills to match. When it comes to communication problems, the best solution is meeting each other half way. For example, if one person normally keeps their feelings, thoughts and fears to themselves, and the other prefers to talk things out, it is a good idea to meet each other half way. The one who prefers to be quiet, can make more of an effort to open up more often. And the one who prefers to talk all the time, can learn to differentiate between babbling and really talking, and hence learn to not talk so much. In this way, effective communication can be reached.

As you can see communication is indeed important and without it, the relationship will not survive. I once read the book "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus". I found it to have a wealth of information on the communication differences in men and women. From reading this I was able to understand why men prefer to withdraw and why women would get upset when someone tried to solve their problems. I recommend reading the book. All of it may not apply to you, but guaranteed you will find at least one thing that does apply to you or your partner. It can create a deeper understanding of your partner and open up whole new ways of communicating with each other.

Characteristics of a Successful Dominant
I have spent alot of time discussing with others in the lifestyle what makes a good dominant. What marks a true dominant from a player or wannabe. I have read every bit of material I could get my hands on. Through these discussions and research I have been able to compile the following list of traits. I list the ones that were repeatedly told to me, many of them appeared in just about every conversation I have been involved in and most of the pieces of writing I have read. Their words, insight, and honesty helped me to create this list as concisely as I could.

Acceptance:
Acceptance of self, what is within yourself, what your wants needs and desires are.. Acceptance of your limitations and those of your submissive. The ability to accept another human being for the person they are, including their shortcomings and especially to accept your own. Accepting what being a dominant is to the individual and not being ashamed or intimidated by the needs within, but happy in ones mind set.


Communication:
This is the ability to talk and discuss things. It is an integral part of any relationship, but an absolute necessity within a D/s one. A dominant should have the skills to communicate their needs, wants, desires, fears, thoughts, limits or whatever else comes along. The ability to talk also calls into play the honesty and truthfulness of the dominant. Once communication is open it should remain that way, and will do so provided the dominant does not stop communicating honestly. To not communicate is to endanger yourself physically (by not telling the submissive your experience and other necessities) and emotionally.

Compassion:
The ability to see and at least attempt to understand the emotional aspects of your submissive's psyche. To understand and be aware of the multitude of things within reality that can affect a submissive physically, emotionally and mentally. To be able to apply that understanding to the many situations that arise within daily life that may prevent your submissive from serving to the best of their abilities. Using compassion wisely to allow you to aide your submissive, support him/her during times of stress shows that you are truly a well rounded dominant. One who realizes that a dominant and a submissive are people too. Without compassion you are not a dominant only a sadist.

Courtesy:
This one is fairly self explanatory but many people have asked me for specifics on courtesy. It is the ability to show proper manners, pleases and thank yous. To address someone with a respectful tone of voice. A dominant should show courtesy to his/her submissive and other submissives around them. Just because you are a dominant does not give you the right to be rude or cruel. This includes courtesy to your peers.


Grace:
Elegance in the manner a dominant presents themselves is an important and desirable personality trait that many submissives say they prefer. The way a dominant carries themselves, their style of play, no matter how graphic should still flow with style and grace. Their actions should not be overly hesitant, stilted or confused. If this is lacking as an inherent ability, the dominant should be willing to learn and grow in this area.

Dominance:
This is the most important trait in a dominant. It is the inherent natural ability to lead. To exert control in a respectful, intelligent and humble manner. The strength of character which allows you to exert the control necessary in a power exchange relationship. The ability to care for another person's entire well being.

Honesty:
Personally I feel this shouldn't need to be said, but there are far too many people who lack honesty so it has to be said. Honesty is the ability to speak up, be open and truthful about what you say. Don't hide your emotions, fears, limits, fantasies, ideas and thoughts. Don't tell the submissive what you think he/she wants to hear. Honesty is the basis of trust, without it there is no trust. And without the trust, there is no true relationship. A successful dominant is an honest one, one who does not lie or attempt to deceive. One who is truthful when he/she speaks. Most important is to be honest about your level of experience, to lie is to endanger the very life of a submissive.

Humility:
This is basically the ability to see yourself as fallible. To see yourself as a person, not just a dominant. To see that sometimes in reality your needs must be set aside for the better of the relationship. (possibly to settle a disagreement, set limits or things of that nature) A successful dominant knows they will make mistakes, that they are no perfect. Sure they have pride in their abilities but they also know that everyone grows constantly and they are secure enough within themselves not to need to be the center of attention at all times. This allows the dominant to be open to learning new things and not have a know it all attitude. This brings into play bullying. Bullying is using your status as a dominant to push around submissives without any thought for their well being at all. Bullying is a completely selfish action. A dominant who consistently bullies will turn submissives away from them and lose the respect of their peers. It shows a lack of humility and can also mask a poor sense of self esteem or a possible abusive person using the lifestyle to hide their abusive nature.

Intelligence:
By intelligence I don't mean book smart, the ability to do long involved mathematical equations or pull apart and rebuild a computer. As it applies to a successful dominant intelligence is the ability to learn the proper way of playing with the toys inherent in the lifestyle before using them on a person. The willingness and ability to research and learn about the lifestyle itself. The ability to make informed decisions about what their needs are and how to attain them and just how far their domination goes. The ability to take the time to learn their partner outside the roles of dominant and submissive, to learn him/her as the person they are, their likes and dislikes. The ability to learn what pleases their submissive and remember those things. The dominant should not only take the time and intelligence to know the physical tools, but also the psychological tools of dominance. Along with some basic psychological aspects of their submissive. (Knowledge should grow as people change constantly) There is nothing uglier than seeing an ignorant dominant trying to use humiliation as a tool of dominance. Humiliation is a difficult tool that requires maturity, intelligence, and skill

Loyalty:
This is a very important trait in a dominant. It is the ability to uphold your personal honor and remain true to the agreement between you and your submissive should the agreement be one of monogamy or whatever. Fickleness is very unattractive in a dominant and dangerous to the emotional well being of the submissives who serve you.

Patience:
A good dominant has patience. The ability to wait for things. Being pushy is aggravating and not being dominant. This does not mean you have to be lax or soft, but to learn the proper time to push and the proper time not to. It is also the ability to wait for those things which take time to develop and to learn, especially within yourself. To realize that it takes time for a submissive to learn all the intricacies of serving you and have the patience to teach the submissive what you prefer.

Pride:
This is the ability to know your capacities and realize you are not only a good person but a good dominant. The ability to recognize your own strengths. This does not mean you should be closed minded to new ideas. Nor does it mean you should be unaware of your faults or keep an inflated ego. Pride in your dominance is a beautiful thing, arrogance or false pride are deadly. False pride usually masks insecurities which can be life threatening to the submissive.

Respect:
A successful dominant will show respect at all times, until such time as the submissive proves he/she is unworthy of such respect. A disrespectful dominant does not earn the respect of his/her peers or the submissives around them. By giving respect to others, you earn it for yourself.

Responsibility

A good dominant should have a sense of responsibility and be aware that they are the ones who are in control of a scene. They should take this responsibility seriously and act in such a manner that will keep themselves and their submissive as safe as possible. A good dominant should take responsibility for his/her own actions, even so far as admitting a mistake when one is made and not push the blame onto someone else. A good dominant should use this sense of responsibility to learn before acting.

Self Control

A good dominant must be in control of themselves first before they can even hope to control another safely. A good dominant is not one who is prone to fits of out of control behavior, raging fits and other actions which show a lack of self control. A dominant should be able to keep his physical needs in check in order to maintain a scene safely for the submissive. A good dom should also have the self control needed to stick to his/her guns when they are faced with a begging sub for something new that they know is dangerous and that they know they have no experience in.

Self Respect:
A good dominant values themselves, and respects their own limits. A bully does not thrill a submissive. A solid sense of self worth is a necessity for a dominant or they can cause serious damage to the submissive's psyche. This does not mean act like you are the universe's gift to domination.

Service:
This is applicable to dominants but not in the same way as a submissive. A dominant serves their submissive by and through their dominance. By intelligently applying their dominant nature, and meeting the physical and emotional needs of the submissive, the dominant mutually serves the submissive. A successful dominant remembers that without a submissive, there is no such thing as a dominant. And that to receive the submission of a person is a gift. The dominant will therefor cherish that gift, and do their best to uphold it and not abuse it. This is the key to an exchange of power relationship.


Those are the traits which I have repeatedly heard make a successful dominant. Many of them overlap and refer to other traits within them. And most of them are applicable to every relationship not just those within D/s. These are the traits I have heard many submissives speak of as what they are looking for in a dominant. Not everyone will have all of those traits bred into them, and some of them can be learned. But those traits do reflect what is within a true dominant. This list is meant as an informational aide only and not as a hard core end all and be all ruling of what makes a dominant.