A lot of the time when BDSM is mentioned, people get this look of incredulity on their face or shrink away in fear. When asked what BDSM is, the common answer is kinky, perverted sexual practices. Some believe that it's a form of abuse, others believe it's just perversion, but that couldn't be further from the truth.

BDSM: Definitions

BDSM - Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism
B & D - Bondage & Discipline
D & S - Domination & Submission
S & M - Sadism & masochism


Myth 1: BDSM is all about sex

This is far from the truth. BDSM can be sexual, if a couple chooses it to be, but it's about so much more than the sex. A couple in the lifestyle could sustain their entire relationship without ever having sex in any fashion. Scening can be as simple as menial service of drinks or can go into a different realm of a sensual pain play that leaves the parties involved weak. Sexual contact does not need to occur to make a scene work.

Myth 2: All dominant women in the lifestyle are man-haters / All dominant men are women-haters.

This is laughable, in a sense, because if being a dominant means that you hate the other gender, there would be no straight people in the BDSM lifestyle. For a dominant man to hate his female partner, it would be considered abusive behavior and not tolerated in the lifestyle. The same goes for a dominant female with a male partner. In fact, it goes that way for any dominant/submissive partnership. No matter the lifestyle choice, abuse is abuse.

Myth 3: I am dominant, you must respect me.

Being dominant does not garner a person instant respect, one must earn it through their actions. They must treat everyone the way they would wish to be treated. Being dominant does not make one person superior to another, no matter their position within the lifestyle. Respect and dominance go hand in hand, one gains respect through their dominance in the way that they treat their submissive. If a submissive does not respect their dominant they are more likely to disobey, especially if they are part of a public lifestyle, making the dominant lose the respect of others.

Myth 4: Switches just can't decide.

A switch enjoys being on both sides of the lifestyle. They do not always want to be the dominant, nor do they always want to be the submissive. They want to experience both being dominant and being dominated. Everyone has their individual preferences. Some enjoy being the dominant, being in control of the situation while others enjoy being submissive and giving up their control to another. A switch wants to be able to be in control or give up control when it suits their needs.

Myth 5: A submissive/slave has no rights.

As long as a submissive/slave is living and breathing, they have the same rights as any other living human being. Because they are submissive, it doesn't mean that they do not have their own mind to make a decision. They made the decision to be submissive, they make the decision how much control they are willing to give up to their dominant, they decide when it's time to stop giving up that control as well. A submissive/slave has the right to set limits for themselves and decide when and what is going to far. In a lot of ways, the submissive get more control and rights than the dominant does.

Conclusion:

Most of what you hear what you hear bad about the BDSM lifestyle comes from people who don't truly understand the lifestyle or have had bad experiences in the lifestyle. Those who don't understand the lifestyle, can't tell you what it's truly about and those who have had bad experiences will focus on the bad and forget any good that they had. If you truly want to learn about the BDSM lifestyle, one needs to find someone who has been part of the lifestyle in an active role. There are a lot of fakers out there who will tell you that they are into BDSM, or part of the lifestyle but have never seen the inside of a dungeon or seen the true joys of a scene.


BDSM for Beginners - What Does it All Mean?
Making sense of all the acronyms and code words in BDSM communities can be a very difficult thing for people new to the scene, and for those people who just want to understand what all the hubbub is about. If a handsome man with a handful of toys comes to you at a play party and asks, “Would you like to do some blood sports with me, my dear?”, what exactly did he ask? A lovely long haired Domme orders you to your knees for a bit of foot worship? How about, “Girl, Let’s do a Japanese Bondage scene!” What the heck?

There are ten thousands words (that is just my estimate) used in describing or talking about BDSM Lifestyle play, scenes, and activities. Obviously, we don’t have time here (or interest) in defining every word used in the language of BDSM Lifestyle relationships, but a few basics can’t hurt.

BDSM – Most recognized as Bondage/Domination/Sado(Sadism)/Masochism. BDSM has evolved to also mean Bondage/Domination and Submission/Masochism.

D/s – Dominance and submission, can be a lifestyle and can also be a playstyle, limited to a defined period of time and space, called a ‘scene’.

People

Dominant (Dom for males, Dommes for females) – generally the ‘giver’ of sensation and the one who ultimately controls the flavor and intensity of a scene. Also referred to as Tops or Masters (Mistresses).

submissive – usually the ‘receiver’ of sensation and the one who generally gives over their ‘power’, whether for a short, prescribed period of time, as in a scene, or for longer or indefinite periods of time. Slaves are often self-described and accepted to have given over all control, power and decision making to another, often called Master or Mistress.

DM, or Dungeon Monitor – People trained in equipment and scene safety that are present at most clubs during play parties to ensure the safety and comfort of party-goers.

Mentor – male or female teachers for new submissives and/or Dominants. Often, a mentor has no sexual or sometimes even has no
physcial relationship with a mentoree. but is available to guide, encourage and at times, discipline the mentoree, for their personal growth and safety.



Places

Dungeon – A play-space designed and equipped to facilitate BDSM scenes. May be a permanent or a temporary space. Many permanent dungeons host a multitude of events, such as workshops, demos, dances and classes. Usually, a social area, for conversation and refreshments, is set off a bit from the main dungeon space to give a sense of eroticism and safety to all parties participating.

Whipping Post, Spanking Bench, Horse, Rack, Sling, Stage, Gurney, Autopsy Table, and more – all pieces of equipment commonly found in both permanent and temporary dungeons. Often, the dungeon equipment is ‘put away’ or dismantled to make room for other activities, such as dances and workshops. Many scene players find that they really love one piece of equipment or another, and vie to be first in line to use that piece, week after week.

Things

Flogger, Whip, Singletail, Paddle, Cane, Strap, Birch, Tawse, Feather Duster, Wet Noodle – Toys that give varying intensity of sensation to the submissive or bottom, when applied by the dominant or top partner.

Scenes

Age Play – Where partners engage in roleplaying people of different ages; usually the submissive partner (male or female) takes on a personality and actions of a young child. May or may not portray a verbal person, and may or may not be anything more than a nurturing relationship.

Blood Sports – Scenes involving cutting, piercing or other drawing of blood.

CBT – Cock and Ball Torture by various means: Bondage, clamping, flogging, etc of the male genitalia for erotic purposes.

Fetish – Love of an object or objects. Foot fetishists enjoy, often crave, foot apparel, foot massage, and foot worship, for example. A fetish can be any object or need that is required for an individual to achieve sexual satisfaction.

Gor, Gorean – Author John Norman wrote a series of fantasy books, describing a fictional world of slavery and sex. Elements of this fantasy world are often used in roleplay, and some adherents to the ‘Gor Lifestyle’ develop intense and complicated Gorean lifestyles.

Humiliation Play – A form of playful or erotic embarrassment, when practiced appropriately and within roleplay limits, can be intensely
erotic, Inappropriate or denigrating humiliation is not within the standard 'rules' of BDSM practice and can cause emotional harm and damage.

Japanese Bondage – A variation on bondage that is usually highly decorative and intricate.

Limit – generally a pre-defined ‘end of scene’ limit, beyond which the bottom will not go in a scene. Although limits are usually understood to be those the submissive has, dominants also have limits.

Masochism – The ability to gain erotic satisfaction from pain. Levels and intensities of the pain vary for each individual, and can change due to a variety of causes.


Munch – A social gathering of BDSM’ers, usually held in a restaurant or other public gathering place, where conversation and fellowship is enjoyed. Most munches are not a place for fetish clothing, practices or demonstrations, as this would violate one of the basic principles of the lifestyle – consent. The general public has not consented to be a part of ‘the scene’, so practitioners must not involve them non-consensually.

R/L or R/T – Real Life or Real Time, as opposed to V/L (Virtual Life) or V/T (Virtual Time). Many people explore the BDSM Lifestyle online only, for a variety of reasons. When a couple (or more) engages in daily life together while maintaining a BDSM or D/s relationship, this is called Real Time or 24/7, when practiced at all times in one way or another.

SSC – Safe, Sane and Consensual, is a basic tenet of BDSM Play. A more recent variation is RACK, Risk Aware Consensual Kink. I like the term SSCF myself – Safe Sane Consensual and FUN.

Vanilla – Also called Mainstream. A term describing ‘non-kinky’ or straight sex and eroticism.

The lingo and language of BDSM can be tough to understand, sometimes even more so because of the unfamiliar practices involved in the lifestyle. There are a gazillion places to learn more about BDSM, D/s, Scenes and Fun in the Lifestyle. Hopefully, this article has given you a head start on understanding some of the terms and styles. Feel free to write me with any lifestyle questions you might have, and if I don’t know the answer, I will find it!


Limits is the word used to identify the 'range' of play acceptable to the individual within the D/s or BDSM lifestyle community. This is a way for the individual to state their lifestyle preferences and taboos prior to entering a relationship. This is done to ensure to the best of ones ability that the issues, beliefs, rights, needs and desires unique to that individual are clearly understood. Some people go so far as to engage in written contracts identifying these limits in writing so that there can be no later misunderstanding.

It is assumed that within a play 'scene' or 'session' that the Dominant will not violate a submissives stated preferences or limits. It is further assumed that within a play 'scene' or 'session' that the Dominant will test, extend or stretch certain of that individual submissives stated limits. This appears to be two statements in total conflict.

Part of the complexity of the BDSM world revolves around its constant contradictions. It is complete Paradox. Limits are those things which the submissive is most sensitive to. Within those limits hide their fears, embarrassments, shames, guilt's and especially pains. It is not uncommon for a submissive to state a limit knowing, wanting and desiring for their Dominant to take them into that place where they are unable to go alone. This is called a Soft Limit. A Limit where the identification of Limit means danger, not stop. Soft Limits are things which challenge the mind, the body, the spirit and the past.

When a Dominant and a submissive are first exploring each other to see if a relationship is possible they will engage in intense conversations. Within these conversations they will discuss the range of limits and play that each hopes or feels a need to engage in. Also within these conversations will be a discussion of forbidden or hard limits. Areas that are never to be challenged, stretched or extended by the Dominant. It is important for both people to communicate clearly and openly and listen clearly and openly to what the other person is saying here. If a submissive can identify and state their hard limits then the Dominant will have a means to clearly understand where the submissive is coming from. After establishing these hard limits then the conversation will often move further into Soft Limits.

Beginning Soft Limits:

NO BLOOD SPORTS (Guns, knives, needles or any object that penetrates the skin membrane)

NO WATER SPORTS (Urine or Feces play - this involves serious health risks)

NO AIR SPORTS (Asphyxia, choking, strangulation or blockage of the airways - again this involves a serious health risk)

NO BROKEN BONES, MUTILATION, or PERMANENT BODY MARKINGS

NO OVERT HUMILIATION or MENTAL EDGE PLAY

Note: There are numerous other aspects of play which the individual submissive may consider to be limits, some of the most common are gags, blindfolds, confined spaces, heights, suspension, multiple scening, bisexual or homosexual scening, overt humiliation, public scening, as well as a full range of limitations on certain types of specific equipment or toys. As you can see the variations and options regarding Soft Limits are virtually 'limitless' <grins>.

A submissive may state any number of things as a 'limit' with the knowledge that many of these 'limits' will be challenged and changed over time. Nothing remains constant except Hard Limits. ALL other limits evolve, harden or disappear over the course of time and experience within the Lifestyle. Playing 'against' these 'soft or fluid' limit boundaries is the dangerous and tenuous challenge of the Dominant. It is often part of the Dominants desire to 'take' a submissive beyond the point where that submissive believes they can go. To soar, to fly and to transcend those thresholds. Often in edge play a submissive finds ways to release debris from incidents or injuries in the past, to build new memories and experiences and open doors inside of themselves to places they have never believed themselves able to go. This is a fragile exploration. It is easy to err in edge play, to go further than you should. This is the area where good communication between a Dominant and submissive becomes essential. It is not the desire of a Dominant to injure or damage their submissive, it is their desire to meet their submissives 'true' needs. Playing along the lines of the contradiction is where both will find the greatest dangers and the greatest rewards.

HARD LIMITS

One of the first questions asked of a new submissive is "What are your limits?" To some extent this is a meaningless question because a new submissive doesn't know the answer to that question because they have never had those limits tested or challenged. Because of this, it is not uncommon for a submissive to state that "They have no limits!"

The statement of no limits can mean only two things. Either the submissive is a lifestyle 'virgin', or the submissive is masochistically insane.

All sane human beings have limits. There are or should be fundamental boundaries across which the human mind is incapable of retaining sanity should those boundaries be crossed. These are called hard limits. A Hard Limit is an issue or belief that must remain inviolate for the individual to retain a belief in themselves and the world around them. These are belief's that will never change. They are a part of the core or inner self.

NO CHILDREN

NO ANIMALS

NO DEAD PEOPLE

These are the basic three hard limits. None of the above can consent. People who actively choose to violate any of the beings mentioned above violate Federal, State and Local law, they violate the basic credo of the SSC D/s community which is Safe, Sane and consensual, they violate and abuse the rights and freedoms of those they interact with as well as taking actions which are morally repugnant and ethically corrupt! Those who prey on the weak, the young, the animals or the dead are not part of my community. I will not accept them or their actions and choices as just another kink. Non-consensual usage is abuse, rape, wrongful imprisonment and torture!

Some people believe that these limits are so fundamental that they are simply 'understood'. I disagree. One should never assume that the person you are interacting with means something or believes something they have never actually stated to you. There are people who hide within this community who will accept a statement of 'no limits' as an invitation and expressed voluntary consent to damage, injure or destroy another human being. It is crucially important when seeking a partner within this community or any other to find someone whose baseline hard limits match yours. Be specific, direct and pointed when asking about these limits. If you don't then you may be placing yourself in a position of vulnerability where you may be forced into a situation which you are unable to evade which is utterly intolerable!

Hard Limits are called Hard Limits because they never change, are not subject to stretching, extending or expanding and the violation of any of them is sufficient by itself to totally sever the relationship and possibly extend criminal charges against the perpetrator. It should be noted that you may have differing hard limits than those stated above. There may be other issues which you mandate as inviolate within your own life. Look carefully into yourself and try to clearly evaluate where those fundamental lines are within yourself. There is no right or wrong to having a longer list of hard limits. Each person is an individual and unique. Identifying and expressing that individuality clearly is important.

It is also important here to look at a Dominant who asks or demands that a submissive have no limits. This can mean at least two things. Either the person (note I do not identify them as a Dominant) considers the submissive to be without value and desires to use, injure, mentally or physically destroy them. Or, the Dominant requires that their submissive have no limits beyond mutually shared hard limits. Ask! If the person you are interacting with clearly states that the submissive/slave should have no limits at all. Leave! This person is not a Dominant. They may attempt to coerce you into continued communication using guilt, shame, need and intimidation to convince you that this is what you really desire. Do not stay! Expect such a predator to be charming, intelligent, smooth and very able to 'skew' things into something you may agree to. This is not D/s. One of the best ways to identify someone with problems is if they attempt to limit or control your access to information and limit your contact with other people within this community. If you have met a 'dominant' who tries to isolate you from information or contact with others - Beware! Remember that a real Dominant is not afraid of you having information, it is part of informed consent. In addition, the forming of real life friendships within the community is considered healthy. It is a place where people share information and support each other.

However, a Dominant may ask a submissive to withdraw from a friendship relationship if the Dominant believes that the individual friendship is negative or unhealthy for their submissive. As long as this is done based on the merits of the situation then it should not be construed as an attempt to isolate the submissive. If this occurs the Dominant 'should' ensure that the submissive has other acceptable to the Dominant contacts within the community


Or do you just like kinky sex? Because there is more to this lifestyle than the fairy tale fantasy of incredible sex, being spanked, the image of yourself tied and writhing against your bonds, or being brought to new heights both physically or mentally, by your dominant. Not that all those wonderful things can't happen - they quite often do but it goes deeper than what you can see, touch, hear and feel. A good relationship involves that other important element - what you, yourself "sense". It goes beyond this realistic plane, into the depths of your soul. Or so it should. That when you are in that role, you ARE submissive. In every way, shape, and form. No dominant wants a submissive that will only give up part of themselves. You give it all. Even when you don't think you have any left, you find the strength to reach down into the dark recesses of your being and FIND it. There are no half measures

I often laugh when I hear someone comment that "SHE" is NOT submissive or "she's too dominant to be submissive". Well, nowhere in the submissive manual does it say that we are wallflowers. Or that we are docile and pleasing to anyone that happens to come along, most especially to the Internet entities who call themselves "Dom" or "Master" or "Sir" or "Lord" and demand that you call them as such. Titles need to be earned. Both the titles of dominants and submissives or slave ...

In this lifestyle you will find a surprising number of us have those high powered or stress jobs, and that their personal lives are well under control. We hold ourselves in high value, and have great self esteem. This is not a lifestyle for the timid. It's not a game that when your limits are pushed, or when your pain threshold is at it's max, you can say "okay, i've had enough, you can stop now". Yes, a scene can be controlled with safe words, etc, and all limits respected. I'm sure you've read this, and it is true - I'll leave that discussion up to those who have written great articles on the subject and would encourage anyone to read them. That's what it takes to make a decision about going into this. KNOWLEDGE. I'll say it again, because it's important. KNOWLEDGE. You wouldn't make a decision to take a job that you knew nothing about, unless you could make an informed decision. That takes (yes, and I'll say it again) knowledge.

Read everything you can get your hands on. Attend a few munches, meet and talk with other submissives that are willing to help you understand. Go to a public play house. Personally, they are not my taste, but I guarantee you will come away with quite a new perspective. But I will tell you one thing. It's like a drug. Addictive, drawing you into it's grasp, and holding you there. That yearning need which you try to shake off when you've tasted it, and experience a length of time in between being owned. If someone had warned me of it's hold prior to my getting into this, I may have thought twice. But once you've tasted it, usually, there is no turning back. Not even if you wanted to.

On a side note, there are those of us who can play without needing to be owned. Whether it is just to relieve tension and the burn that we feel, to have fun- there are many reasons. It doesn't make them any less or more submissive than those who prefer that close, intimate bond of being owned. An un-owned submissive doesn't have to mean she's lacking. It's all about choices. And what works for YOU may not work for another.

So? You think you are submissive? No matter what your preferences are, are you willing to let (even if just for an agreed upon period of time) someone else totally take charge? Control your mind, your body, your soul? Without thought of objecting or holding anything back? In times when you are uncertain, yet, trust that your partner knows what is best and has the experience to carry it out? At times when you want to run in fear yet have to find the strength and submit to what is being asked of you? Are you willing to remember that its not YOUR wants that matter. Bottom line, the only thing that matters is pleasing the one you serve. NOT because it's expected. But because you WANT to. Need to. Because that's what it's all about. Do your needs and wants matter? Of course they do. We're not in this lifestyle to please another yet get nothing in return. But therein lies the difference. Fulfilling our own needs isn't as meaningful as when someone else does it for us. A good dominant will see that our needs are fulfilled, because in doing so, a submissive will WANT to please them more of their own accord. Choices. It's all about choices. And compatibility. And knowledge.

So? Still think you are submissive?