THE BEGINNING…First, You should take a serious look at yourself. What is it about BDSM that You find appealing? Do You wish a 24/7 relationship; taking on the responsibilities for deciding all aspects of a submissive’s life? Do You wish to encourage another to become the best person they can be? Do you wish BDSM just in the bedroom? Alternatively, is it something in-between? Whether, it's the sense of power gained in having another under Your full control or it is the pleasure to be found in administering pain, there is no right answer, except for Yourself. Do not try to live up to any others’ expectation. Start out by trying to define what it is that You crave. You cannot hope to control or take responsibility for another, until first you understand Yourself and maintain control of Yourself, this starts with self-evaluation.

NEXT STEP… Turn Your attention to the mechanics. At this point, You are looking for just one thing, does what You read cause a stirring in your loins? Are Your fantasies piqued, as You dwell on the possibilities of this life? You need to define your starting point, what is it that most turns You on. It is quite common over time to find Your Own boundaries expanding, things today You would not think of doing, in time, become desires. The converse is also often true; the things that intrigue You now may not be such a tremendous turn-on a few years from now, other desires will take their place. For now, what is it that You desire? Turning the lad or lassie over Your knee? Placing an intricate web of ropes and knots upon the flesh that cannot be escaped? Or having a doting servant kneeling at Your feet, open to fulfilling whatever Your needs and desires are?

CONTINUING THE SELF-ASSESSMENT…Now step back and think about what it is You desire. Do You wish to take this fantasy one step further? Time to look inside again...are You willing to shoulder the responsibility that this entails? Being a Dominant encompasses a lot more than just getting your rocks off. Another human being is part of the partnership, and as the one in charge, You have a duty to see that this takes place as safely, as possible. The submissive you find may desire being hurt, are you willing to maintain a state of control, with one foot grounded in the present, to ensure that hurt does not become harm? If you lack the self-control to do this, please leave your fantasies in the realm of dreams.

THE ASSESSMENT DONE…Now that You have carefully considered the consequences and responsibilities that being a Dominant entails. Now, that You have looked seriously at Yourself and have made an honest inventory of Yourself as a person and of Your desires. Are willing to accept the charge of caring for a submissive, body, mind, and soul? If the answer is yes, then it is time to think about what you need to learn. If the answer is no, there is no shame in that. It is a much wiser person who understands him or herself, and does not try to betray what they are or their abilities.

RESPONSIBILITIES…If You have continued with this article, I shall assume that Your answer was a most assured "Yes!" and You wish to learn more. As a Dominant, many demands will be made on You, trust Me when I say, as much as I enjoy My dominance of another, I do not take My responsibilities lightly, nor should You. Some things, like simple bondage and spankings, are relatively safe with only a few things to watch out for. Others like more intense play, such as, fireplay, piercing, knife play, whips, and more. These are quite demanding, and there is a large risk of harm to the sub. Please understand, while the credo of BDSM is Safe, Sane, and Consensual, there are inherent risks in virtually all levels of physical play. So, before You pick up that bullwhip or candle it's time to learn all that You can. Read as much information as You can find on the topic. Visit a local club or other setting and witness it being done. Go to workshops and do not be afraid to ask Someone with more experience to teach You.

PATIENCE…So far, it seems that You have spent a lot of time and still have not had any fun, yet, right? That is the idea. You are going to have another person under your thumb here, you need to have patience and be certain of what you are doing. Remember, first You have to be in control of Yourself, before You can control another.

SEEKING…OK, You have looked at Yourself, figured out what you want, taken time to learn of the safety aspects of any play You want to experience and now You are familiar with the techniques. What's next? Well, now we turn our attention to finding a partner. The key, again, is knowing what you desire. Remember, just as You have desires, so does the submissive. The idea is to find the submissive whose desires match up with Yours. You can should NEVER force a submissive to do anything which is truly against their own beliefs or desires, in the end, all You will end up doing is to cause the submissive doubts and resentment and possibly be arrested. There are very few partners that we will find completely pleasing to us. If You desire to administer pain, You need a partner who wishes to receive it. If You desire only to control, a masochist will never please You. You will both be frustrated by the experience. Know what you want in a partner and seek that.

RELATIONSHIPS…Figure out what You want in a relationship at this time as well. Do You want to play occasionally or do You want to live this as a 24/7 lifestyle? Nobody ever plays around the clock. If You want a long-term relationship with a partner, You will need to look at all of the personality traits You want. You will need common interests outside of BDSM -- otherwise Your breakfast conversation is going to be pretty dull, and the whole experience will grow stale for You both rather quickly.

BEHAVIOR…OK, You know what you want, and what You want to look for. Next, a few words about the approach. You will find no lack of people online or in r/t groups who are willing to talk to you about your desires, but how you present yourself is critical. Remember that a persons submission is THEIRS, not yours. You have no right to demand anything from anybody until they have offered it to you. If you walk around acting like You own the world of BDSM, either r/t or in cyber, you will be seen for exactly what you are a newbie without a clue. It is not a good way to start. BE A DOMINANT, NOT AN ASS!

MORE RESPONSIBILITIES…Remember that You are going to be responsible for the emotional well being of Your partner. One of the most important things that happens in a power exchange is the placement of trust in You as the Dom. Be trustworthy, or you'll end up hurting your partner. He or she may ask you hard questions. Be honest about Yourself, Your lack of experience, and Your sincerity. You will both be better off long term. I've met some experienced subs r/t who are happy to let a new Dominant practice techniques on them, they see it as protecting their less experienced sisters from unschooled hands. From My Own personal experiences, some of My best practical lessons have come from more experienced submissives.

SAFETY…Now it is time to talk to Your prospective partner about safety. There are several things to learn about here: NEGOTIATION, SAFE WORDS, AND SAFE PLANS.

NEGOTIATION involves discussing what the sub is and is not willing to do. Don't violate what the sub sets as limits, (1) You'll do her considerable mental harm, (2) You'll be violating the law (at the point where you step over the line, it's no longer consensual); and (3) word WILL get out, and nobody will want to play with you anymore. (Remember the BDSM community is very tightly knit and nothing stays hidden for long.)

SAFE WORDS are those that will stop the action if the sub feels it is needed. You MUST honor these if Your partner uses them. Be careful to choose words that can be easily remembered. I heard about a Dom who assigned a sub the safeword "aspen". She needed it, but could not remember anything except that it was a tree. She was shouting out "birch!", "pine!", etc., which he took to be an attempt to antagonize him... the result was not pleasant. I use have the submissive use two safewords. One that the submissive can use to indicate that I may be reaching the limit of what they feel they can tolerate physically, mentally, or emotionally. The other, which if the submissive uses, I will stop the scene, hold and talk with the submissive until she calms down, then I give the submissive the opportunity to decide if they want to continue or conclude the scene. Remember that safewords are not the submissive taking control, but they allow the submissive to protect themselves, which as human beings, they have a right to do.

SAFE PLANS are pre-arranged between the submissive and a friend. They include making sure somebody knows where the submissive will be, Whom the submissive will be with, and a safe call or calls made at scheduled time(s). If the call(s) are not made at the proper time(s) or if the sub uses a danger codeword during that call, the police will be visiting Your little party. Make sure Your sub makes the calls. Carry a little portable alarm clock for that purpose, just in case you both get wrapped up and lose track of time. I never meet with a new partner without assuring that she has a safeplan in place. This includes public meetings, even if the submissive says they have total trust in Me. I expect them to have, as much care for their own safety, as I do.

AFTER CARE…Finally, we come to the close of the scene. You need to realize that the submissive has been in a particularly vulnerable state, and that the scene may have caused him or her to fall into "sub-space", a wonderful altered state of consciousness. It will take a while for your partner to "fully return" to the present. There is nothing more terrifying to a sub than being abandoned in this vulnerable state. You need to be there, and be caring, during this period of coming down. For the caring Dominant, this time of closeness and comfort is just as enjoyable, just as special, as it is for the submissive.

CONCLUSION…In short, you need patience, an open mind, a sense of responsibility, and a willingness to learn. We in the BDSM community are just human beings, we have our good points and bad, and no, none of us is perfect. We all have room to grow and learn, whether we have been in this life for years or are just starting out. There are many in the community, who are willing to help you in your journey. Seek the advice of those with more experience. You'll find most of us are very willing to help T/those W/who are sincerely seeking to learn and not at all shy about showing you things that thrill us. If You learn wisely, You will find that soon others will come to You for advice, as /well, for the respect You earn in the community will be great.



I will communicate with complete honesty my needs, desires, limits,

and experience. I realize that failing to do so will not only prevent my

Master and I from having the best experience possible, but can also

lead to physical and emotional harm. I will not try to manipulate my

Master. I will not push to make a scene go the way I feel it should. I will keep an open mind about trying things that I am not accustomed to or comfortable with and expanding my limits. I will continue to grow as a submissive and as a human being. I will accept the responsibility of discovering what pleases my Master, and will do my best to fulfill His wishes and desires. I will not allow myself to be harmed or abused, I know that submissive does not equal doormat.



I will be courteous and helpful to my fellow submissive s, I will share my knowledge and experiences with others in the hope that they will learn from where I have been I will take the time to help those new to the scene start out on the correct path.



I will be responsive to my Master, I will not try to hide what my mind and body are feeling so that I may assist Him in His responsibilities as my Authority, I know that Dominants are not telepathists, and will not expect my Master to know thought or feelings which I do not share.



I will never think myself a submissive because I choose to submit on a different level than another. I will not be boastful of experiences I have had as a sub. I know that my actions reflect upon my Master, and will do my best to help others see him in a positive way, I will not

intentionally embarrass or displease my Master.



Above all, I will wear my title of submissive with honor, I will never

cause others to think that being submissive means to be weak or

sub~human. I will take pride in who and what I am, and will never show myself in a negative way.


Analysis who is real, who is play, who is cyber etc., is a failure. Essentially when most persons begin to seek out and explore this side of themselves they do so tentatively, with tongue in cheek. They are seeking to fulfill a distant fantasy, an unrealized dream. It isn't truly real. This does not mean they are not real. It merely means they are on a different step in the staircase and should be treated with the respect of one human to another. Exploring oneself is a very difficult process. We don't win by reaching the goal line. There is no goal line.

Life evolves.

While it is true that you may feel disheartened by those that seem to desire only to play on a part time basis, this does not mean you can disparage these people. For whatever reason that is where they are at the moment. As long as these individuals express their position with clarity and honesty you must and should respect their choices as you would wish them to respect your choices.

In my experience true female dominants are quite rare compared to the numbers of men seeking them. On one hand this is because they must face and live with the diminishment of themselves in the eyes of virtually all of society. Women are quite social beings. Lack of a support net can be wrenchingly painful to them. In addition, often they are placed in a position of diminished femininity, or made to feel unattractive because of their manly strength. This keeps many strong women from ever exploring this side of themselves.

Often young in life these women express their strength. The people in their lives find this distasteful and find other things to pick at, to deflate this woman. Often this becomes a cycle of verbal abuse generally connected to a woman's physical body. This is one of a woman's most vulnerable areas. Often she may be attractive yet made to feel ugly - often she becomes what she is told...ugly! Women are trained to submit to society, to it's rules and conduct far more so than men. They are told to equate worth to youthful beauty.

To sunder these voices, these women must step up and past virtually everyone in their lives. To seek and embrace that which feels natural is a battle unlike anything else they ever experience. They have to claim themselves and name themselves. They must learn to be enough alone. Rescue themselves and prosper in their own right before seeking the pleasures of a mate.

As I said ~ they are rare indeed!!!

SWITCHES...

The Switch. Adding this component into understanding of the community is often similar to adding a dose of confusion or chaos. In addition, many within the on-line community have chosen to malign people who identify themselves as switches and they tend to be made to feel uncomfortable within the two easily identified groups of Dominant's and submissives. This is unfortunate and very wrong. When any group becomes polarized or elects to ostracize or exclude people who express themselves differently they inevitably weaken the whole. Being a Switch does not make the individual any less a member of the community. There is some evidence that the Switch community may actually be the largest and fastest growing segment of the community. It is true that within the real life community that a large percentage of both Dominant's and submissives have at some point switched orientation. There is also a tendency, primarily in the online community, to believe that a Switch is not a Dominant or submissive at all but instead a Top or a bottom. While this is true sometimes, it is not true all the time.

In general a Switch can be looked at in three ways. A Dominant/Switch, a submissive/Switch and a split/Switch. The vast majority of Switches fall into the first two of these three groups. The individual will have a primary orientation of either Dominant or submissive and a secondary orientation of the opposite. This means simply that they tend to express the majority of their personality or aspects in either the Dom role or the sub role. Many Switches are lifestyle BDSM people with strong belief's, feelings, hopes, desires and dreams, just like everyone else. Often Switches will live with or be happily married to a D/s partner who may or may not be a Switch. They will spend the 'majority' of their time in their primary orientation and the minority of their time in their secondary orientation.

In many ways coming to grips with or fully understanding the complexities of living as a Switch is perhaps one of the most challenging tasks in all of D/s. Making sense of the confusion coupled to a desire to belong somewhere forces many Switches into choosing one side or the other. There is a tendency to believe that being a Switch means that the individual has avoided 'being' a Dominant or submissive, that they may be weak, afraid or lacking in personal conviction. As if there is a rule somewhere that says you must be totally Dom or sub or you cannot be part of the community. Choosing or naming yourself something that does not fully address your reality is a recipe for future problems and extensive personal grief.

If you attempt to 'force' yourself into 'performing' as just one side or the other then a part of your self will remain unaddressed. Eventually this can lead to bursts of energy release which can be enormously destructive. In some cases the individual may be with a person who believes that their secondary aspect needs to be destroyed. This can lead to language such as 'breaking'. Attempting to rid a submissive/Switch of their Dominant aspect through 'breaking' is fundamentally wrong. Mental and emotional battery designed to destroy a part of another human is absolutely wrong, cruel, non-consensual and most often reveals weakness within the perpetrator than anything else. The need to 'break' someone is usually driven by 'fear' of that aspect.

A Dominant/Switch who attempts to hide or mask their desire and need to occasionally experience the opposite of their Dominant role may actually transfer personal frustration onto the submissive they are with. This can manifest as momentary episodes of lack of control, verbal abuse, emotional abuse and even physical non-consensual abuse or battery.

Maintenance of good mental and physical health are essential in preventing these types of destructive events. This is done through healthy choices. It is all about keeping a balance, addressing all sides and attempting to neglect or ignore nothing. Being honest about your needs is essential.

Switching from one role to another is not simple. In many ways it can feel like moving from bright daylight into total darkness, everything needs to adjust. Adjustment takes time. And, being able to shift back at will doesn't come instinctively or easily for many people. This is especially true if a person has denied freedom for their Switch side for a long time due to attempts to 'fit' into one of the more acceptable roles. In a sense the Switch aspect can fear future denial and attempt to cling on or maintain itself.

Learning how to move easily and comfortably between both roles takes time, a sense of personal understanding, emotional security, and a lack of fear in how either side will be viewed and interacted with by those who are important in the individual's life. Anything which impairs this sense of personal security can make the Switch aspect feel threatened and defensive. It is my personal opinion that all humans have contradictory sides which in most cases they attempt to hide thorough fear of appearing 'weak' or too 'strong'. Failure to be open and honest about these sides leads to secrets, closed communication and feelings of personal frustration. Which can in turn lead to destruction of relationships.

The third type of Switch is a split or neutral Switch. Essentially the individual does not appear to favor either a Dominant or submissive role but can openly and freely enjoy both or express both, also moving between roles with no apparent difficulty. I have found this type of Switch to be far less common. The majority of these types of Switches tend to identify themselves as Top's and bottom's. They prefer to have relationships which are quite similar to standard vanilla relationships in levels of equality and sharing and express their passion for D/s and BDSM almost exclusively in-scene.

There are no right's or wrongs to where you may find yourself within the community. Traditionally Dominant's were trained first as submissives in order to show them through personal experience all aspects of the lifestyle. Moving from one aspect to another is not uncommon and many believe that a full range of experience is the best way to learn about your opposite. Living as a Switch brings with it the full challenges of both sides of the coin. Expect to struggle, expect to change more. Enjoy!