The first point to make here, I think, is that there is a significant body of opinion that domestic abuse is about control. Sure, the abuse only happens when the abuser loses his temper, but what causes him to do that? I suggest it happens when things aren't going the way he wants, and to regain the upper hand, he has to resort to violence. I suspect it is rarely premeditated, but it is very definitely predictable.

Next, with regard to men who live on their verbal skills, I would suggest they are exceptional because they have probably developed and nurtured those skills beyond normal levels. Let me say right now that both men and women are very skilled communicators, but they communicate in different ways: males primarily to impart factual or analytical information, while women's discussions would tend to deal with people's interaction and relationships. Few people depend on verbal skills for their livelihoods, but, rather they rely upon their other skills: their medical training, their manual dexterity, their analytical abilities, etc. depending upon what they do. Farmers, for example, or train drivers don't require verbal skills, but do require other abilities. Doctors, barristers are highly trained, but their medical or legal knowledge is what they are valued for, not their ability to express themselves (granted, a doctor with a good bed-side manner or a lawyer who can present the best case in court on the facts before him is likely to have an advantage, but the best is merely a sample of the whole). Politicians, who supposedly live on their verbal skills, need say only what they are told to say. In a society which is only 50 years away from the time when most males were the sole breadwinners in a family and most women were housewives, even occupations that did require verbal skill were male dominated for want of anyone else to do the job, but that is changing: there are more and more female doctors as a proportion of all doctors, and more and more women are entering, and succeeding in, the legal profession, necessarily at the expense of their male colleagues. Whereas at one time, the number of female students in tertiary education was barely 5%, it now comfortably exceeds 50%, and the proportion is still rising. In Britain, the most unemployable group of people is the young male, many of whom have left school unable to read, completely without qualifications, and almost all without hope. The reason no-one notices is that they have no advocates and cannot or will not argue for recognition and special treatment themselves. It is easier for them to sink into a life of crime and violence.

The success of feminism in changing society, on the other hand is due primarily to persuasion by eloquent argument and appeals to justice and people's sense of fair play. The protests where bras were burnt were dramatic and memorable, but the real success was due to well-presented appeals to reason.

I make this point not to blame women for men's shortcomings, but to explain that, although men can communicate, women do it better. Therefore, to return to the theme of the thread, women are better able - if they are so inclined - to use verbal (and therefore mental) forms of abuse than men are.



You ask me why I think women feel that they can only be a success if they look good. In reply I would answer,

(1) women have the monopoly on beauty. A man who is "beautiful" will be regarded as odd, to say the least. How often do you hear that all the good-looking men are gay? Remember, irony is just an unusual way of looking at the truth.

As George Orwell once outrageously said, Women can easily make a living based on their looks - even homely girls, if they want to. Not so easy for men;

(2) women dress for other women, not for men. They measure how good they look not so much by how men react to what they wear, but by whether other women approve of disapprove of their clothes/style.

(3) it is a myth perpetuated by militant feminists that men want all women to come to the office naked and to blow them without even asking. Only the straight guys do! OK - that's a joke, but men do not want to be distracted by women who are inappropriately dressed at work. They actually want to get on with their jobs. If women feel uncomfortable about that, the fault is not men's.


Now, the sad thing about abusive relationships is that the victim invariably blames himself. Perhaps he believes what he is told, that he is worthless, ineffectual, incompetent. Perhaps he believes he deserves to be blamed and punished. Perhaps he still values the relationship and will endure the abuse because he is afraid he will lose his partner if he does not. Rarely does he want to leave, and will only do so when there is no alternative. Research shows that female victims who leave their partners will have endured years of abuse and many attacks before they decide to leave. Frequently they only do so when the situation has reached a peak and their lives could be at risk. I am not aware of any comparable information relating to male victims, but the point is, victims rarely leave their abusers unless they have no alternative.