Hi and welcome!

Your story is a familiar one. As to "what you are" it sounds like you might be submissive and perhaps a little bit masochistic, but those are pretty high level, simple labels that we apply to complex people so don't think they mean too much. This site has a lot of good people who would love to get to know someone and build a relationship over time, and there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to expect that.

Also don't trust anyone who tries to tell you that a "real" submissive would do X, or that you should like or do anything that you don't. Don't trust anyone who makes a lot of demands or pushes you past your comfort zone. Don't trust anyone who makes you feel badly about yourself or who makes you unhappy.

Unless you're in your late 70s you've got plenty of time to figure things out and find the right person. Take your time to explore and find what's right for you, speak up with any questions, fears, concerns, or doubts you have, and demand that they be taken seriously.

Again, welcome!