Codependency in M/s relationships

[ksst]

I do not think you were wrong at all to wait for him. I don't think it's even a dependency issue. But then, that is my perspective.

[thir]

If you want to read about this, you might find this illuminating:

http://www.aic.gov.au/en/publication...s/27/dear.ashx

Here is my taking on this concept:

If you look it up, chances are that you will find many many websites which will list so many symptoms that anyone will realize that they are seriously ill and must spend loads of money getting better. There are even those who call it 'a life-threathening disease'.

The topic of above article is that the term was coined many years ago in connection with families or couples with alchoholics. The theory was that the familiy members would get mentally ill - co-dependency syndrome - by having this kind of dysfunctional family. It then got to mean any substance abuse such as drugs, incest families, gamler families, families with mentally ill members and other situations. And now it means just about anybody.

The problem with this whole concept was - and is - that it was never investigated in any empirical research or any other way - it has never been proven or even made likely, that such a syndrome exists.

"Treatment programs for codependents have been developed and hundreds of
self-help books on codependency have been published. Typically these books
comprise discussions of the characteristics of the codependent person,
disclosures of personal experience, case histories of codependents, explanations
of why long-term therapy is seen to be required, and advice on self-change
strategies. Such books sell extremely well and an entire industry has developed
around them. Leading writers tour the world conducting workshops and
seminars, therapists advertise that they provide treatment for codependency, and
numerous support groups and family counselling services have developed
programs based on the codependency model.
Such developments have all taken place in the absence of any research
support for the model and the lack of an accepted formal definition for the
proposed syndrome."

It goes on with what in academic language is a serious reprimand: It calls people who keep on promoting the co-dependency idea 'victomologists' and remind professionels that they

"need to be vigilant in relation to the various conceptual models which emerge in the popular literature. In concentrating on our own theoretical models it is easy to lack an awareness of the degree of influence
which popular models can exert despite their lack of rigour and empiricism. We
need to remember that a crucial aspect of the academic’s role is to monitor and
investigate those models that emerge from the lay movement."

That said, no one says that you do not get problems living with alchoholics or drug abusers or violent people or whatever. But the essence of above is that you should not mistake (more or less effective) survival strategies for a mental disease.

Also, it is true that it is easier to have a peaceful divorce than a stormful one, it is more difficult to leave a bad relationship than a good one. That is still not a sign of mental disease.

It has been pointed out that some people with real low self-esteem can get in bad relationships because some jerk (m/f) realizes they are easy pray. That is still not a mental disease, and what it needs, seems to me, is help to grow as a person, to know that in birth you were given a value that nothing can change even if your heart says otherwise right now, and that you have a right to someone who loves you and should not take shit from people who think otherwise.

If you are happy in your relationship, then forget about 'co-dependency' and enjoy your life, it is just a name for a money-machine.

If you are not happy, then I hope you will talk to someone.

I hope some of all this helps, or that something else will.