Hey, DH.

Sorry about the delay in responding. It's been a wild week.

In general, I'd approach this as an exercise in backward design. Start with the end - what you want her to experience - and work backward from there to generate specific obligations. You don't want to end up wasting time with rules (the salt shaker must always sit to the east of the pepper shaker) that don't accomplish your larger goals. For many couples, the larger goal is something like "to be repeated reminded of, and regularly reinforced in, her proper role in a sustained and sustaining relationship."

In general, I guess I'd imagine rules which were (1) effective, (2) intrusive, (3) unobtrusive and (4) enforceable.

What does that mean? (1) "Effective" means that the rule has to have a logic connection to the state of mind that you want to induce. (2) "Intrusive" means that it consciously interrupts the rhythm of her daily activities. Most of us get through the day using a series of mindless, well-oiled rituals or routines. You want to impose rules that disrupt her ability to move efficiently and thoughtlessly through her day. You want to make her stop, calculate and realize what's happening. (3) "Unobtrusive" means that the requirements must allow her to function effectively, without interference in her ability to fulfill her other obligations. If she's a corporate lawyer, she needs to be able to fully discharge her professional obligations to her clients. Likewise if she's a stay-at-home mom or a neighborhood volunteer. You want to enhance the quality of her life, not degrade it. Finally (4) "enforceable" means that you have to be able to establish the fact that your will has been executed promptly and precisely. The tether created by a cellphone is utterly invaluable there.

Hmmm ... our bathroom rituals are generally mindless. One possibility would be to disrupt hers. Most of us shower standing; have her shower squatting. Most of us rinse in warm water; have her rinsed in cool. Women sit to pee; deny her use of the toilet seat. Adults pee when nature calls; require her to receive texted permission. (Don't, by the way, be a jackass and abuse the requirement by excessive delay in permission.) Americans are naturally informal so another possibility would be to force her to be formal. Forbid contractions in her speech; if she says “can’t,” she needs to stop, apologize, back up and re-do the statement with “cannot.” Require her to address all adults males as “sir” and adult females as “ma’am.” If she's scattered, leave her a list of three exact times (10:27 a.m.) when she must stop what she's doing, kneel, and text the phrase "i kneel for you." Be clear that the requirement of a text <i>at the exact minute</i> is firm. Text the letter "x" to her, at which point she has 30 seconds to text "o" back and slip a coin (or dried pea) into her bra; count them when you get home. If she's right-handed, make her do her household writing (lists and notes) with her left. If the kids are of an age to nap, give her a writing assignment to complete (copy, without a single error, an obedience journal which details each occasion in the day when she consciously bent herself to your will). Read it when you get home. If it's not done, or not done to standards, punish her. But remember, punishment needs to be prompt, proportionate and final. Prompt doesn't need be mean "immediate," but “as soon as practically possible.” Proportionate means that the magnitude of the punishment is tied to the magnitude of the offense. And final means that once the punishment is done, it's done. No lingering resentments, no grumbling on your part, no going to bed angry. The slate needs to be wiped clean and loving harmony restored at the moment that the punishment ends.

Likewise, you've got to recognize and reward good work. There's nothing more disheartening that putting your best effort into a project and then having people treat it as if it were beneath notice. Notice what she does. Tell her she's been good when she's been good, and tell her she's been wonderful when she's been wonderful. Find a treat (a small hard candy? "points" that she can later redeem?) that she only gets directly from your hand and only gets when she's been good. If you eliminate sugar from her diet, a small candy might become major. If she's not permitted to watch TV or access the internet, points that will allow her to see a favorite show or email a friend might become major.

Just keep the end in mind: strong, sustained, loving relationship that she's ever-more devoted to. And, with luck, that you are, too.

With respect,

S.