Does It Hurt?

[Sir_Russell]

Rabbit1, I am sorry for disagreeing with, well maybe not, but I think you failed to read or understand what I was saying.

Course maybe you have never put anyone into sub-space deeply enough that they are unable to use their safe-word. It is a problem that I have and have learned that safe words aren't all they are supposed to be. This may depend on the sub/slave and the level of trust they have for me, but to say that safe words are the end all tells me a good bit about you.

[Rabbit1]

Rabbit1, I am sorry for disagreeing with, well maybe not, but I think you failed to read or understand what I was saying.

Course maybe you have never put anyone into sub-space deeply enough that they are unable to use their safe-word. It is a problem that I have and have learned that safe words aren't all they are supposed to be. This may depend on the sub/slave and the level of trust they have for me, but to say that safe words are the end all tells me a good bit about you.

my friend I did not say they were the end ---but for a newbie I feel it is the way to go ---and if a sub is in sub-space then no or stop will not be uttered that is the level of trust and known comfort levels between and experienced dom and an experienced sub ---not many newbie subs are going into deep sub space ----

we do agree safety is a big issue and to be careful ---that is enough for me

we are all trying to help a new sub in our own way ----

and yes by all means be careful picking a Dom ----there are alot of want to be Dom on this board ---who want nothing but a web cam sex show ---and when they are done they drop you like a hot potatoe -----they should be concerned about you and your comfort levels ----bring you in slowly ----
I wonder about the ones that the first thing they want is to see you naked before trying to get to know you ----and it happens ---I get emails and PMs every day from subs this happens to

now you see that maybe different Doms do things differently and that is OK just as long as they have your safety in mind

[Sir_Russell]

On this we agree 100%. The Dom that doesn't have the sub/slave best as his formost thought is not a real Dom but a poser or worse an abuser.

[sipgirl]

Im no expert, but just my 2 cents. As a sub I love saying no in a playful, whining, pleading sort of way. So, saying, "no" as a means to an end just wouldnt work for us..to each their own. I do recommend a safeword or as someone else stated some other form of a surefire escape....dropping an object, a hand signal..something.
My only other advice would be this...dont rush and if you decide this is something you would like to delve further into, do so slowly at a comfortable pace. I found myself head over heels fullspeed ahead in the beginning and in rushing to learn or please you lose much of what is important. Good luck in whatever you decide!

[John56{vg}]

sipgirl,

probably the MOST expert, caring and wise words spoken in this thread. Words to heed and live by.


John

[thrall]

Hi Honey

Listen to them all.........they are giving you sage advice, and if you have quetions.........ask.

[caligirl{Rob}]

hugs and welcome Ashley...and have to agree you are adorable.

Questions are wonderful, and a sure sign that you are wise in your journey. i have had several "bad" experiences with dominant personalities...not true Doms, and i have had good and bad experiences with "online" D/s relationships...what i have now is a true Dom, as i know and feel by His actions, His words, His entire being is that i am His and therefore when at my most vulnerable He is completely aware, in control, responsible for what He cares most for in the world, there is continual communication, even at times if it is unspoken i see Him watching. When He is binding or restraining me He is always testing, asking, communicating what He is doing. In session we use yellow and red, i have at times said no, ow, and He will remind me what i need to say, it gives me the chance to evaluate, and on rare occasion i have said yellow, which for us is an immediate stop to see how all stands. The complete openness of communication has allowed me to follow my desire, explore and let myself discover what i long for, as i know that i can always slow it down or stop if it becomes too much. This knowledge and complete confidence in Him has allowed me to push past soft limits to bliss. He has brought me to that deep sub space and He is at those times completely aware of ALL of me...

so my advice to you is to continue as you are....learn ask discuss...of others and of yourself...warm hugs and wishing you much fun and happiness on your journey...your curiousity and openness to ask questions means you are on the right path!

hugs!
cali

[slave eswn]

of course it can hurt. but that's the point most of the time isn't it? making you uncomfortable is what your Master is looking to do...but it sure is fun...hehehe

[neitsyst2]

May I suggest this...I'm VERY new myself, but because of my profession I find that I often get lost in the voice of the dominant. It is really helpful for me to try a positive word to see if I will be able to remember it when I need it.

For example, saying edge...when I am right on the edge... (gives credit to someone else for this difficult but useful tactic with a smile and nod.) Being an intelligent woman I thought "how hard can that be?" When I needed it...I was racking my brain thinking what is that damn word!!!! I finally said "the word the word" lolol!

I can totally see where you might, if in sub space (though I haven't experienced it) feel the same, or even just simply forget to use your word. I don't plan to be in a place that I would consider sub space until I can trust my dominant to be able to tell the difference both with, and for me. I recognize that everyone is different, and that over time and with practice of a word I may learn it much better and have better control of its use. I just don't intend to rely only on the use of a single word for my safety. I plan to have one, I plan to know it...but I intend to PLAN for safety as well.

For me that means taking time...not a week, not a few weeks, a LOT of weeks, months, etc. to get to know someone so that we can understand each other before meeting. And even in an o/l only relationship, I know that I want to be able to feel as comfortable as I would in r/l. For that reason I like to spend time talking about things OTHER than bdsm.

Certainly all of the things said above are true as well, and I wouldn't enter into a relationship without knowing them, looking through a list with a dom, starting slowly...and I wouldn't even be thinking about a collar yet sweetie...start thinking about the person.

Just my advice, take it, leave it, use what you can! I never knew what might help me, and I thought maybe my experience would shed some light for you.

Best wishes and enjoy your search.
Nei

[DowntownAmber]

I can totally see where you might, if in sub space (though I haven't experienced it) feel the same, or even just simply forget to use your word. I don't plan to be in a place that I would consider sub space until I can trust my dominant to be able to tell the difference both with, and for me. I recognize that everyone is different, and that over time and with practice of a word I may learn it much better and have better control of its use. I just don't intend to rely only on the use of a single word for my safety. I plan to have one, I plan to know it...but I intend to PLAN for safety as well.

*nods* I can't imagine going into play without a safe word, but there are times when, yes, you're going to forget it and times when (and this is the REALLY dangerous part) you simply don't realize you need to use it. "Subspace" is a tricky place to be - extreme things feel deceptively sublime and your Dom better as Hell be watching out for you.

During one session J had me on a collar and leash, and the leash was clipped to a hook somewhere up above my head. It was a GOOD session: I was so into it and so overwhelmed by what I was feeling that I never bothered to notice I was straining against the collar hard enough that I was choking myself out. It NEVER occured to me to use a safeword: I would have leaned into that collar until I passed out, quite frankly, or hurt myself some other way in the process. It felt THAT good. Master, however, was paying attention and picked me up and unclipped the leash and worked me back down from the place I had gone to in my head.

Crisis averted, but in a worst case scanario there's no substitute for a "first aid" safety plan as well.

[subserviant]

i dont like to bound when my Mistress tells me to stay in a certian position i will obey her and the same fr the gag .when she threatens to gag me it adds to excitment but she never does as she wants me to aswnser any questions that she might ask me. if i want ot be* punished* in the extreme i will disobey her when toldto, say for instance if told to stand in the corner i might defy her and pay the price

[Sir_Russell]

i dont like to bound when my Mistress tells me to stay in a certian position i will obey her and the same fr the gag .when she threatens to gag me it adds to excitment but she never does as she wants me to aswnser any questions that she might ask me. if i want ot be* punished* in the extreme i will disobey her when toldto, say for instance if told to stand in the corner i might defy her and pay the price

I laugh at the term "pay the price". Be very glad I am not your Dominant because when you act out like that to get what you want you would be very unhappy. You aren't being punished for your action you are being rewarded.

If you need heavy pain then that is play, by the way the Play Punishment is a term I also find ludicrous, and should be administered to you on a regular basis as part of your play and as a reward.

What you are saying is that you are topping her from the bottom and that really your in control. She actually dances to your tune. Is making your Dominant really just be a posing top what you really want?

[Sir_Russell]

amber
you said what I have been saying for so long the Dom must be aware and not depend on the safe word. I have made that mistake a time or two myself and now I know that I have the power to take her where she won't use the safe word because she is too far gone to know she needs to.

Can't stress enough how that has to the Dom's responsibility and duty to know when things have gone very good but very wrong.

I also preach plan not just the session but the emergency possibility so that when things go wrong you can get her ass out of trouble or begin immediate treatment.