I know this line falls in a different place for everyone, and can move depending on the situation, but I'm having a bit of trouble lately locating mine.

We all have a line, right? There are things that make us desperately hot to fantasize about that we would never want to actually do.

On one hand I have fear inhibiting my conscious desires, pulling the line closer to me, narrowing my options.

But what about the pull in the other direction, the pull that widens my horizons and turns fantasy into real experience?

What if my desire to go further, push harder, experience more extremes is actually a vertiginous desire to do something that may not be right for me - something that crosses the line? It's easy to see when you’re on a cliff top that jumping would cause you harm, perhaps even kill you, but it's not as easy to see when you're dealing with the mind, and the impacts that BDSM has on it.

I keep feeling this way about control, and the relinquishing of it. The more I think about it, the more I try to hang onto some vestige of control. The more I am aware of this process, the more impossible it seems that I could ever completely let go. This seems like a ridiculous dilemma to be having for someone who identifies as sub (at least some of the time). The logical question to pose would be: if you don't want to submit, to give up control, then why don't you walk away? What are you doing here?

Why don't I just step away from the edge?

The reason I keep dithering on the edge is because I feel a very strong pull in the other direction as well - I want to give up control completely. My desire for this rages within me. It still only takes a word from my Master to push me over into….... from a standing start, my pulse is racing, I'm pliable, filled with animal need. And that is beyond compelling. But I can't trust. I won't trust. I find myself faltering at the edge because I need something to hang onto, something to assure me that I can find my way back; something to assure me that I won't be lost. And it's blindingly terrifying. Why am I always terrified when I'm that aroused? Or am I that aroused because I'm terrified?

Perhaps I haven't lost my line at all - it could be that I'm already standing on it, and I'm just imagining it is off in the distance and I'm too wimpy to get there. Perhaps the line between my fantasies and my desire is always moving with me. That is a scary thought as well as an exciting one. The fear and the struggle and the newness might never end.

Perhaps the edge is the final destination? Perhaps all of this squirming is where I want to be.

Does anyone else have this trouble?