Help... Need Advice...

[Liz18]

So, I am currently in my first BDSM relationship ever. If you look above my pic, you'll see with who and I am, or was, very proud of that fact, but I'm getting a little freaked out. We talked for about a week or two on this site before she asked for my email. When she asked for it, I gave it to her and we began chatting that way. We talked for a couple more weeks and were like that until about a week and a half ago, maybe two weeks, when I asked if it was going to go anywhere. She asked me if I wanted it to and I said yes. So I became her sub. A couple days after that, she asked if I would like to be her slave. Even after she warned me that this wouldn't be something I could walk away from and told me that it would be drastically different than being her sub, I accepted. I was elated, I still am. She gave me a set of rules and things I have to abide by and I am very happy with the whole situation.

She tells me that, as a slave, I have no rights at all, and that she owns me and everything I have completely.
Also, I'm a lesbian and a virgin and she's told me that I'm not allowed to perpetuate either one of those.

Here's where it gets weird for me. Around the first week of November, about a month after I'd given her my email, I got a random email from some guy, just asking 'what's up?'. I had replied back wondering who he was and never got a response. The day before yesterday, she told me that he is a close friend of hers and that I was to submit to him like I do her. This upset be greatly (I'm a lesbian, which she knew), but I did it because she told me to. What weirds me out about all of this is that:

1. From the get go, she's seen pics of me, but I've never so much as seen her face.
2. Hers and this other guys email addresses are almost just alike.
3. I've never given random guys my email and it's not posted anywhere on this site, so where would he have gotten it?
4. He emailed me after I'd given my email to her.
5. She has told me to stop asking about seeing a pic of her (I've been kind of annoying about it). She says I'll see a pic of her when I earn it.

I would just like to get some opinions on this, because I don't know if I'm just being stupid or what and I would like to know if this kind of stuff is normal... most of it I'm fine with, but in regards to the guy, I can't help but think that maybe 'she' is a he using two email addresses to set me up. I know that sounds insane and I have no idea why anyone would do that, so, is it just me? I admit, I tend to have an active imagination. Am I just imagining this connection?

I don't want to confront her unneccessarily and ruin it... so.. any advice? Am I just being paranoid?

[Austerus]

My opinion is that you are somewhere between getting played for a fool and set up for serious abuse. First, anyone who says you can't choose to walk away from a relationship is either manipulating you, deluded, or both. Either way, it just isn't true. Second, you have every right to have a relationship on terms you are comfortable with, and you are under absolutely no obligation to do as you're told, especially if you're uncomfortable with the situation and haven't agreed to this prior. Third, it sounds like this person at the very least has something to hide, and is probably lying to you.

My personal advice would be to completely hit the brakes, tell her you need to talk terms and limits with her, and make sure she respects both your privacy and your sexual preferences. I, personally, would also demand some reciprocity of pictures and contact info. If she refuses to do any of these very reasonable things I would call bullshit and dump her like a bad habit.

BDSM is awesome, but you don't need to rush into the first person who shows you some interest. The world, and your life, will be full of opportunities. Don't accept someone who will manipulate and lie to you, or who doesn't respect your boundaries and wishes. Seriously. This kind of thing can end in heartbreak or in death. Don't play along.

[Liz18]

Thank you for your input. I wanted to make sure it wasn't just me before contronting her...

[Austerus]

From
What you describe, or even from your perception of and feeling about te events, then no it isn't just you.

[Ozme52]

Yep. Slow it down. If this is an experienced domme then she'll understand... unless her fetish is to break newbies, use them up, and throw them out, in which case, you don't want to be hers regardless. On the other hand, if she insists on these obviously manipulative rules, she is likely not experienced, is creating these rules by rote, having read them in some fictional fantasy, and is likely trying to secure you specifically due to your inexperience.

Or the worst scenario... she is a man (or boy trying to lose his own virginity) and is playing you presuming that when the truth is revealed, you'll be too entangled to walk away.

Austerus' advice is sound. I've never heard of a legitimate master or mistress who didn't get to know their submissive before offering to enslave them. Without negotiations. Without setting expectations and gaining agreement. It happens online but not in real life. You can be online and play along, but without a real contact with her, I would only obey to the extent that remains online. Real life encounters require real life scrutiny.

If you have not already done so, do not give out real life information that can be used to track you down. If you have, do not allow yourself to be isolated by this man who is claiming to be sent by your mistress. No one whom you only know online can seriously vouch for someone they've "sent" to you in real life. Even if she eventually sends you pictures. I can send you pictures too. Male, female, even alien, and could probably be convincing enough to make the unwary believe they're the real thing.

I'm not saying you're definitely being scammed. But I am saying that without a human contact, in the flesh, enslaving yourself to someone online is asking to be hurt.

[denuseri]

I'm with Austerus on this one... only since its an online only thing I would seriously consider blocking her (if its even really a her) completely from your email etc especially considering her issues.

Heck when she said you could be her submissive despite the two of you never having so much as met yet face to face makes me think something is fishy or someone is living in fantasy land.

In so much as pictures and such go, I can't stress enough the importance of keeping one's personal information private, addresses, phone numbers, one's location (including city and state) recognizable face pictures and or any other identifiable information is simply not a good idea to hand out online to people you have no possible way of ever knowing let alone trusting with such things.

[Liz18]

Well, she gave me a set of rules, it's just that I thought that was normal if I was a slave... and the guy is online as well, not in real life, but the way they both talk is very similar..

[denuseri]

Your probabely talking to not two but one person pretending to be two people you know.

[Liz18]

Well, thats kind of what I thought, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't just imagining a connection.. I tend to dramatize things sometimes... :P

[Liz18]

Denuseri, and everyone else, thank you very much.. your insight has been very helpful.. maybe I wasn't as careful as I thought I was, going into this.. I'm thankful that there are people here who are so quick to offer help.. Thanks again..

[denuseri]

My best advice is to keep the online fantasy stuff (and that ussually means the players and wanna be's that come with it) compartmentalized and safely tucked away in its own enviroment...completely seperate from one's real life enviroment.

Real trust, takes, real time in real life to develop.

[Liz18]

Yes, you are right.. thank you again.. you seem very wise about this stuff

[brwneydgirl]

Even if she eventually sends you pictures. I can send you pictures too. Male, female, even alien, and could probably be convincing enough to make the unwary believe they're the real thing.

Excellent point here. Even if you get a few snapshots sent your way...don't take them at face-value (so to speak). Everyone has done a great job with their advice so I won't reiterate what's already been said...except to try to drive the point home:

Don't give out any more personal info than you already have (and that includes sending more pics of yourself)
Don't agree to meet in r/l (and I'm talking your mistress or someone else she sent your way) anytime soon...

Give us an update when you can...this is concerning to me.

[didoanna]

I can only totally suport what everyone else has said. It's worth being ever so, ever so careful and to take things very slowly. Trust is all important and that takes ages to develop and nuture.

[Liz18]

So... haha, great advice and all, but, turns out I didn't need it, really. When I actually confronted her, through email, and I got chewed out big time. I tried to be as polite as possible, but you couldn't mistake that I was asking her if she was really a guy and operating both email addresses. And actually, I'm really happy that I was wrong.. and I really don't know how I got so paranoid.. I hope that you'll all forgive me for this now pointless thread >.< This situation could have ended much worse though and next time I meet someone I will be much more diligent. Thanks again for all the great advice..

[Austerus]

I'm glad you're happy, but honestly whether she was actually a man wasn't the thing I was concerned about. The fact that she's telling you things like "you can't walk away" and that she "owns you and all of your things completely" and that you must obey some random guy as you would obey her...that is very sketchy. The fact that she's giving you no real contact info is really sketchy. It's really not that encouraging that you got chewed out for asking the question.

If you're stopping things then ignore this post, but it sounds from your post like you are carrying forward, content that she's not a dude, but without having addressed any of the other troubling issues. You're a grownup and of course you can do whatever you want, but my advice would still be to slow down, set some ground rules, and make sure she respects your boundaries. I really, honestly believe that carrying on under the previous terms of the relationship is playing with fire.

[sub_sequent]

It is such an uncertain time when you meet someone o/l for the first time. And you are so taken in with everything they say and do. I remember how i really wanted him to be someone i could trust but certain things kept bothering me.(Especially about his unwillingness to share about himself) Until i spoke to him, then everything was ok again. And then i would start wondering all over again.

A friend said to me i should be smart in my kink and i want to give you that advice too.
There is a great thread that addresses a few of the questions you asked originally. (Personally i found i justified alot of the things mentioned but since breaking contact i can see the warning signs so clearly )
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/sh...-the-lifestyle

This is only my experience. I wish you clarity of heart and mind as you move forward and as you make these decisions- whatever the decisions may be.
(Turns out he wasn't a dom worthy of being written with a capitol D after all! )
*hugs*
Vicki

[Liz18]

Austerus: I might have said that the wrong way before. It wasn't that I was chewed out for asking the questions, it was that she was upset I didn't bring it up earlier, which is understandable. I really don't want to mar her reputation here. We did talk and she does respect my limits and everything. I jumped to conclusions when I posted on here for the first time. I was already so sure that she was hiding something and I was wrong. I am planning on continuing with her and I hope that you and everyone on here will forgive me for all the uneccessary worry. I have taken all of the advice on here to heart and I will be sure to be careful.

Vicki: Thank you very much for your concern and the link. I'm very sorry that that happened to you and I will be careful. Even though this was a false alarm of sorts, it is comforting to know that there are so many people willing to help. Thank you again for everything.
*hugs*
Liz

[lucy]

So, you've, like, seen her on cam or talked on the phone with her? Or did she just tell you not to worry by email? I mean, did you get any real proof of her being who she claims to be? If not, I'd not walk out of her way, I'd run like hell.

Also, re your Mistress' reputation: Seeing that she hasn't posted a single post and has no friends besides you on this site, I'd say there's not much to ruin in that regard.

All the best & be safe.

[IAN 2411]

So, you've, like, seen her on cam or talked on the phone with her?
.

I think you have hit the way for Liz18 to go with those few words lucy, and its the only way to go...but even that doesn't excuse giving the e mail address to someone/freind/man without permission...What's all that about?

[Kore]

Number 1 - I don't pull NO punches to what I see as a predator. Those so called rules ---- give me a break!
Here's the hard truth, that so called domme has a history here?
Every red flag has been waved.

No live video? No images? The way I see it and at your age "Give Me the beef"

You have been warned by the members here and no matter what you say, I wonder what this person has over you?
I sure don't see her or himself here. So where's the reputation? I looked at the profile.
Intuition is just that and you should contact the admins (yesterday) to gather the IP addresses if possible for an email match.

Ask to send/forward the original email to Me, I may be able to tell you the originator and for sure, the origin of the IP address.

Walk away and the advice is valid!

[Master Sergeant]

I fully support what Denuseri (who writes in pink) is saying. Common sense and the North pointing compass of advise from someone like Denuseri should be taken to heart. Lack of contact information, no recip of any photos, and a Take it or leave it list of One-Way rules are all RED FLAGS. Stop it. Drop it. and find a Dom worthy of your trust. While not everyone in the lifestyle is like this; some quacks exist. Be smart. Be safe. Keep posting...