the definition of poly--a discussion

[hoosakitty]

The "knowledge and consent of all partners concerned"[3] is a defining characteristic of polyamorous relationships. Distinguishing polyamory from traditional forms of non-monogamy (e.g., "cheating") is an ideology that openness, goodwill, truthful communication, and ethical behavior should prevail among all the parties involved.[4][5] As of July 2009, it was estimated that more than 500,000 polyamorous relationships existed in the United States.[6][7]

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Those are two definitions of poly relationships from the web (given to me from a friend, sorry about the lack of references). I have some second hand r/l experience with poly myself, my grandmother being one of 5 wives and my mother belonging to an open marriage. In both cases, the above definitions hold true. They are not however, as far as i know, of a BDSM nature. And recently, was given a very different definition of its dynamics. Specifically that the parties involved should not know of each other in order to save their feelings. I personally disagree with this, but would like the opinions of the community.

Remember, respectful disagreements are productive, and i would love to hear opinions from all viewpoints.

kitty kisses all

[hoosakitty]

no opinions? Kuve? Odysseus?

[Draconem]

As with orientation, libido, and just about everything else having to do with sex and romance, it's hard to say how much of being poly is biology and how much is psychology...It seems much too easy to say that polyamory is like monogamy only with more people involved...Getting into a poly relationship is easy, or at least as easy as getting into any other kind of relationship: someone says "How about it?" and someone else says "Sure" and there you are. Being in a poly relationship, and keeping it running, is hard....Most people Are "picket fence poly". There's swinging, where established couples swap partners for sex but don't usually get romantically entangled with anyone new. There's the more promiscuous style that is often referred to as "Polyfuckery", and likewise, BDSM aficionados who play outside their established relationships could be said to engage in "Polykinkery". When people get into multiple relationships until they find the right person to be monogamous with, its called "Poly until Prince Charming". And finally, there's "Don't ask don't tell"One of the big hassles of being poly is that all of these nuances are pretty much lost on your average monogamous person. They think it's all swinging, or it's all cheating. Even when you reassure them repeatedly that it's honest, they find it hard to believe.Or understand...If you're jealous, why are you jealous and what makes it better or worse? If you're lonely when your partner is out , is it because you miss your partner or because you just want company?...Polyamory is a damned hard topic...To borrow a phrase from you hoosakitty....you have one life...live it

[hoosakitty]

Very cute, my Dragon...let's expand. It has always been a standard in the community that play be kept SSC (safe, sane, and consensual). The key principle in this situation is "consensual". If one partner is kept unaware of the other's poly habits, is this not a "non" consensual practice? And at what point does polyfuckery become polyfuckingaround?

[Draconem]

Sometimes there is a desire by the "poly"to keep his "PolyFuckery" to him/herself simply because the partner,he/she has is Not poly...Its a simple device thats employed to protect the feelings of the person who is being betrayed in their eyes...And yes...It is a betrayal...And yes...Ive been guilty of it...Who hasnt been guilty?....Betrayal itself comes in many forms,the heavy flirting,the sexual cyber promises,the insinuations,the women having their breasts stroked,the men having their cocks stroked through their trousers,the revenge one night stands ...Or isnt all that "Polyfuckingaround?"......Right... I forgot..Thats innocent play...Im not adept enough to answer any further,so will let others with a better grasp of grammar try to continue this debate..

[Kuve {Sett}]

First, got to get one thing off My chest, it should be "polyerotic" or "multiamorous", mixing Greek and Latin roots is just wrong.
that said,
it is important to distinguish between "polyamory", romantically loving of more than one person at a time, and "promiscuity", having casual sex with multiple partners, a promiscuous person doesn't seek love only physical gratification although they may offer love to get it even if the have no intention of following through on the promise. In a polyamorous household, and I've seen successfully run such, the key to making it work is openness and honesty between all partners especially in terms of communication about each others needs and desires, one of the purposes of poly relationships is to allow everyone involved to have all their emotional and sexual needs met within loving relationships. Cheating on the other hand is a deliberate attempt to violate promises made and to deceive one's partner(s), an anathema to any healthy relationship straight or gay, mono or poly, scene or vanilla since without trust you have nothing to hold it together.

[Kuve {Sett}]

First, got to get one thing off My chest, it should be "polyerotic" or "multiamorous", mixing Greek and Latin roots is just wrong.
that said,
it is important to distinguish between "polyamory", romantically loving of more than one person at a time, and "promiscuity", having casual sex with multiple partners, a promiscuous person doesn't seek love only physical gratification although they may offer love to get it even if the have no intention of following through on the promise. In a polyamorous household, and I've seen successfully run such, the key to making it work is openness and honesty between all partners especially in terms of communication about each others needs and desires, one of the purposes of poly relationships is to allow everyone involved to have all their emotional and sexual needs met within loving relationships. Cheating on the other hand is a deliberate attempt to violate promises made and to deceive one's partner(s), an anathema to any healthy relationship straight or gay, mono or poly, scene or vanilla since without trust you have nothing to hold it together.

[thir]

And recently, was given a very different definition of its dynamics. Specifically that the parties involved should not know of each other in order to save their feelings. I personally disagree with this, but would like the opinions of the community.

As I see it, if the parties are not informed, they cannot consent to that lifestyle, and we are back to cheating whatever the intentions may have been.