Trying to make it work with vanilla husband

[Sirs_GoodGirl (Whyteknyght)]

So, my Master is not my husband. My husband is unaware that I am cheating on him, with my Master.
In an attempt to ease the (emotional) pain of having sex witih my husband I finally got him around to trying some bdsm with me. Him as top.
its only happened twice, in a couple of weeks, and he's done a phenomenal job, read all the books I suggested and then some, and he really is intimidating as a Dom. The second time, I thought he was really getting into it HIMSELF, and that actually turned me on. He gave me what I asked for, in spades. My butt still hurts from his punishment spanking! And when I laughed in his face at something, he actually scared me when he grabbed my jaw and said "I'll tell you when to laugh". He topped me brilliantly.
It was all I said I wanted, and more than I expected. I should have been thrilled.
I'm not.
I'd hoped that going this direction with him would give us a chance to stay together, for me to want HIM, instead of my Master. I thought that he could bring me to the same place that Sir does, joy, pain, lust, oh god so much lust...and peace, calm during one hell of a storm. He doesn't. We talked afterwards, about our experiences. When I heard him say it was work for him to act that way, I guess it really came as a blow. I was extremely emotional afterwards and just wanted to be away from him. The joy of being a sub is pleasing your master. If he's just doing it for me.....as convincing as he is.....it puts me back where I used to be. Dead and disconnected.
I know, it's only been two attempts. But I'm feeling sad because it seems like one more nail in the coffin of our marriage, and he is a great man. I should want to stay. I should want HIM. I don't. I want to run to Sir, but I can't due to financial (and other) trepidation. To tell my husband that I don't want to do this anymore, that we should just go back to vanilla, would confuse and frustrate him immensely, and also, vanilla sex with husband makes me want to sob the entire time. at least, during our two "scenes", I've been present, interested. Turned on,even, during the act. I just wish he wanted to top me.
If I could, financially, leave him, I'd be gone within a day. But its' just not possible. Trying to make it work, trying to bring some passion back is my desperation to survive the time I have left with him, and yes, probably some part of me also wishes to save this marriage. I love him. I was in love with him, madly, for a long time. But now, I only long for Master, and changing up my sex life with husband has not managed to kill that longing.
I know I'm contradicting myself, probably, not making much sense, many will say "Just LEAVE him and go to Nate, it will work out!". But I did that once before, to be with my current husband. Who is much more financially secure and can take care of me and my medical needs, my social needs, my companionship needs. And he's changed in so many ways (we both have) due to marriage counseling and a desire to stay together. How can I just up and walk out, into a very sketchy financial situation, to a horrid little town in a state far from anyone I know but my Master? They say "Love conquers all". It does not. I've moved to unknown areas for my husband, and I will tell you straight up for ME, it is agonizing. I guess I do not friend well. Especially not in small towns, and the town my Master lives in is smaller even than the one we live in now. I come from a place where being a nerd is the norm, coffee shops and Indian food on every street, Google and Invidia my ex employers, a bustling, GROWING city. Silicon Valley (the REAL valley. Not san francisco). Now I live in a cowtown of 44 thousand people, and it's a dying town. To move to an even smaller, even more depressed place is not an option for me, not if I want to live. Nate or not, my environment affects me greatly, I've learned after living in four different states from coast to coast with my husband. Nate cannot support me, nor can I work. The process of getting funding for my disability is long and difficult, and I guess at this age I am unable to take that leap of faith once again.
Sorry for the ramble, but I had so hoped for a different outcome with this change in our sex life. I thought it would make me want him again. But the heart wants what the heart wants, and a severe spanking, and ties to bind me, don't change the longing inside me.
So if you're going through the same or similar, you are not alone. I guess that's why I'm writing this.
Lost.

[Sirs_GoodGirl (Whyteknyght)]

Bump

[thir]

I am sorry you had no answers with this - the library seems to have trouble getting back on its feet, to my sorrow.

Another reason may be that it is very difficult to get any answer here. My first thought is: do you have any thoughts for your husbands needs at all? What are his real needs? In a marriage both parties must have their needs met.

You have only two choices, as I read your post: try more to get your marriage going, with respect to the needs of both parties, or leave, difficulties or not.

I'd say if you stay, stop cheating. You cannot treat another person like that, regardless.

[StarryMind]

Rambling is generally good, and I hope you had the chance to vent some of your pent up frustration by speaking out your thoughts and feelings on the matter.

As for the conflict being torn between your Master and your husband, I think there is a lot of further information that is needed to give you a fair response in what you should do.

First of all, you said that you wanted to save your marriage, but with the first two sessions with your husband being your Top you enjoyed it, but it lacked the passion, or rather lust, of your meetings with your Master. Part of the reason for that is because your relationship with your Master, in your mind, is forbidden, and that has an arousing factor to its own which your husband will not match because your relationship with him is not "forbidden". This already tips the scales in favor of your Master, who likely has more experience in the realm of bdsm and is likely to know you more intimately than your husband.

As for what you should choose to do in this situation, that requires a lot more information, a lot more serious discussion, and someone who knows you and your desires well to speak to a straight answer that is suited best for your wants and needs.

In the scenario provided, it sounds like neither is a good match, but together they meet your needs. If one is too far from a lifestyle that you need to live, and the other is too experienced to give you the deeper understanding and intimacy you desire, it seems almost like you need to find a third who can meet both needs equally. Obviously, the ideal world is not going to happen, so it depends on which needs you desire more, the environment or the dominance.

Best of luck on choosing.

[Sirs_GoodGirl (Whyteknyght)]

Both of you pretty spot on. Though, my Master is not as experienced, we are both new to this lifestyle and he gives me, such joy and respect gratitude and the obvious thankfullness of the gift of my submission.....same as I feel with his gift of Dominatiing me.
Problem...yes....if I could just meld the two together, then life would be perfect, lol.....
Add to the fact that I found a HUGE amount of porn on hubbys computer last night, (trust me, mine is full of it too!) but some of it is pretty out there, animal sex? Really? Kind of shocked. And incest. Hey whatever. But I share my innermost desires to him, he shares "his needs" with me except for the animal stuff. Am I THAT UGLY that he would rather see a girl fuck a goat than see me have sex?
SO be it .

[Sirs_GoodGirl (Whyteknyght)]

Thank you Thir. I didnt expect any replies, and one such as yours so very thot ul, was a wonderful gift.f

[Sirs_GoodGirl (Whyteknyght)]

Oh yes. I awaken almost daily wishing that i HAD NOT woken up. that is how seriously i take brraking my vows Nd how little i think of myself for doing so. One of these days it will right itself. Or i shall right it. Hearts will break. And i know that its ALL ON ME. thusl, fixing it may not make others happy, it may be devastating, but please.......do not question my awareness that what i am doing breaks so many moral and personal codes that there is no way, really, for a happy ending. Not for me. Others will eventually be ok.
Thats how serioys it is, to me.

[just_ine]

I've refrained from responding for several reasons.

But perhaps 2 things need to be highlighted.

The first is sub-frenzy.

With acknowledging your submissiveness and then experiencing the physical expression of what has only been fantasies up to now, it is only natural that anything else would just not pass muster.
Wanting only BDSM-type sexual activity is thus natural.


Add to that finding someOne who take control without having to be told. And someOne who communicates their desires and seeing how you as a submissive brings fulfillment to His fantasies. Any new relationship has New Relationship Energy. (NRE). This is that high-level focus on each other.
Any relationship has this high level of initial growth and then usually tapers off.

Your marriage has obviously passed the NRE stage. But your relationship with your Dom has both sub-frenzy and NRE.
Both these make the pull toward your Dom so very strong.
But the warning is also...both sub-frenzy and NRE pass.

Of course, anything involving human emotion is not as clear cut as all that, but it may explain the strength of your feelings at the moment.

[thir]

Oh yes. I awaken almost daily wishing that i HAD NOT woken up. that is how seriously i take brraking my vows Nd how little i think of myself for doing so. One of these days it will right itself. Or i shall right it. Hearts will break. And i know that its ALL ON ME. thusl, fixing it may not make others happy, it may be devastating, but please.......do not question my awareness that what i am doing breaks so many moral and personal codes that there is no way, really, for a happy ending. Not for me. Others will eventually be ok.
Thats how serioys it is, to me.

A thought on the 'it is all on me': Have you thought that through? You are 3 persons involved here - do the others also not have the right as well as the obligation to think this through and make their choices?? You may think it is all your responsibility, but does that not take the choices away from the other two?

I totally agree with the sub frenzy thoughts also voiced here, it is something incredibly overpowering - it is real hard to think! But - it does not last, and with cheating it does not go anywhere - nowhere happy. I know!

The only solution I know of is the poly solution. If your husband think this is hard work, might he be ok with you going on with your master, do you think? And will your master be ok with you staying with your husband?

Failing that, you do have a choice to make, and I hope you can before your situation stresses you out so much you cannot make one.