Hi all,

I just registered to make my first post here, but I've been around for quite some time.
I've been reading a lot, but in the end I feel that every one is a different case, so I just wanted to ask you about my current situation, because I'm not sure how to proceed.

Any help would be much appreciated.

Some facts:
1. I feel dominant, while my wife behaves mostly like she is sub.
2. I'm just a newbie trying to learn.
3. I'm mostly interested in restraining, pleasuring and/or punishing her (no hardcore, just better than vanilla), but the main reason for me is when she shows she's totally mine, when I know she would do anything, even if I don't try to take advantage (and I don't need to. I'm happy just feeling her giving me all the control).
4. At the beginning we had very good sex, doing everything that a vanilla couple can do, and enjoying it both of us, but now it feels like she does not need sex, and for us sex was the entry point for everything else... so talking about bdsm is like mission impossible.
5. We've been together 14 years.
6. After some years of vanilla I started "pushing" her very very (very very very) slowly and with all my love to try a little bdsm, not forcing it, trying to talk about it, trying to know what she thinks, and telling her what I think, but she does not like to talk about sex or anything related (yes, it's not about sex, but it is very related). She's embarrassed and ashamed, so we can't have a nice conversation about it.

This is how we started in bdsm:
1. First we tried handcuffs, but she does not really like that.
2. Then we added a blindfold to our games, with mixed results.
2. Years later we introduced a whip, and she likes it, but she can't say it loud: I believe she thinks we are some kind of perverts for doing this things. And maybe we are... So what? We like it! For God sake...
3. Recently we tried a bed harness (not sure if this is the right name. It's like a harness under the bed, with handcuffs and feetcuffs on the outside). She likes this every time, the feeling of loosing control and me taking her to the limit. Although she does not like the feetcuffs.

This is where we are now:
1. When I restrain her with the bed harness she enjoys it more than anything I've ever seen, and it always gets her to be fully mine. We become one in a way we never felt before, and that's amazing.
2. The thing is that she does not like the idea of being defenseless. That's why she doesn't like the feetcuffs and prefers closing her eyes than wearing a blindfold.
As I said, she does not like the idea, but she really loves it, so I have to ask nicely to get started, or "push" carefully... and that breaks my mood.
That's not what I want. I want her to accept to herself that she loves it, and that there's nothing wrong with it, but I don't know how to help her here.
Or, if I'm wrong, I want her to tell me so. But that's not going to happen, because now we both know we like it.
She does not want it to stop, but I can't do it this way anymore.

So, how can I know if I have to push harder or force the situation?
Should I act like a caveman??? I always though that a dom should be somehow better than anyone else, not a brainless animal, but maybe I'm wrong...
And, given that she likes the sub role, how can I help her to accept it as something natural?

Going beyond, sometimes I think I can't be a good dom, 'cause if I have to chose between her or my desires, I will always choose her. But I feel that a good dom must know what his sub needs (just like a sub must know how to please his dom), and that one must control himself (and adapt to the situation) before anything else.
But how to start being a dom if your partner does not know how to accept the sub rol, even when she knows she loves it?
And, the obvious question: How can one be a good dom when having so many doubts?

Thanks.