First off I would say it's pretty normal for things not to turn out exactly as expected, especially in the beginning, so try your best not to focus on the negatives. Your post has a lot of different questions and ideas rolled into it, but for the most part I would say communication is lacking. There are two things you should do an internet search on: BDSM negotiation forms, and what is BDSM videos.

The negotiation form will provide you both a way to communicate what it is you would like/dislike to do. Though a form may seem a bit formal for a married couple, writing it down helps a lot. Not only can you reference it later, but just the act of writing it will help you to understand what you want, and him to understand what he wants. I believe there is an example of a form here on the forums, and hopefully someone else can provide the link for you.

The what is BDSM videos can be a great help for understanding why someone would want to do this in the first place. My wife really didn't understand why I was into the idea, but when I showed her a couple videos about it being a deeper connection and binding experience she was much more on board. I would search by yourself first and when you find videos that best reflect your idea of BDSM, watch them with your husband. I think my wife also felt that she didn't want to hurt me or pervert our relationship, when it really ended up bringing us closer together.

Lastly if you would like to try dominating your husband, remember you are the one who is in control. Give yourself a title and make him address you in that way (my wifes title is mistress, but it can be whatever you want). Give him a set of rules to follow and if he disobeys punish him appropriately (call him a bad slave, spanking, nipple twist, ice on his body, ect.). I would suggest rule one be only speak when spoken to. You can also have fun with this by giving him a rule you know he will break, or a challenge he can't complete (I have had my wife attempt to remove my boxers with her hands tied behind her back in 30 seconds, she gets a flogging for failure).

At the end of the day communication is key, talk to each other and i'm sure you will find what you are looking for.