Long term relationship then realizing you are submissive

[jeanne]

Edited - see tessa's response below - a thread for this already exists, I just didn't see it!

Good morning everyone!

I have been reading the forums for several weeks now and have found this information in many different places. I thought it would be nice to have a thread specific to this situation, so here it is!

Are you or have you been in a long-term relationship and then "discovered" your submissive desires? Have you/did you communicate this to your partner? How did it go? What is the state of your relationship now? I hope this thread can be used by us to exchange information and give each other the support and love we so desperately need (at least I do ) as we travel this path with a partner that may or may not be interested.

Thanks and have a great day!

P.S. I'll post my experience with this in the next couple of days - have to go to work now.

[tessa]

What a great idea, his j! This is valid for so many here.

You may also want to look here-
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=8618

Hopefully between here and there, we can utilize the information and experiences shared so that our lives can be as fulfilling as possible.

Thanks for starting this!

tessa

[jeanne]

After querying tessa about whether this thread should remain since something similar exists elsewhere (see her post above), her response was to leave as another place we can share information and experiences.

[cadence]

Well I will write something, but just don't know how to start yet.
I have a hard time trying to put my thoughts into something tangible.

[jeanne]

cadence - me too! I am trying to sort out my thoughts for this post so it won't be so disorganized/stream of conciousness (see some of my other posts for an example of this ) I hope to post something coherent tonight.

[jeanne]

Okay, here goes
My husband and I have been together 22 years, married almost 20, 4 children. Our marriage has been through most every possible configuration - Leave it to Beaver style, then modified, then me a student while he worked and took care of kids/house, then 2-career, now I am the primary support but he also works (Will be semi-retired in a couple of years). We've also had our ups and downs as a couple - several years ago I thought divorce was only a matter of time (I had already packed my bags mentally).

I finally became so unhappy that I was able to believe that maybe it wasn't all his fault. I stopped drinking (with the help of AA) and began to acquire a desire to change myself and open my heart to him - something I'd never really done. Then an amazing thing happened - I fell in love with him again, but even better. I began to really trust him with myself, my heart and soul, and have faith that he loved me, for better or for worse. As my trust and love and faith increased, I also began to trust myself and start listening to what my heart and body wanted.

So, what did I want? I have always had a "shameful" attraction to erotic pain which I stuffed deep down the moment it reared its ugly head. It seemed abnormal, wrong, sick, twisted - whatever. And even when I did actually fantasize about it, I sure couldn't imagine sharing that with my husband. But, in the process of rediscovering my love and sexuality, I began to honor all my desires.

Now, fast forward a few months... During a bout of intense phone sex, I confessed some of my secret submissive desires. Specifically, a desire to be spanked, hard, and then held down and fucked in the ass. Yes, those were the exact words I used. When my husband came home, he proceeded to do exactly that! It was wonderful - everything I had hoped for and I felt calm, grateful, proud, content and peaceful afterward. (I particularly enjoyed admiring my bruises on a daily basis ) Unfortunately, nothing else happened for several more months, until I found this website a couple of weeks ago. It gave me the courage (thank you, everyone!) to bring up the subject with him again. I gave him a letter of thanks that I had written the day after that great evening, (but had been too nervous to actually give to him - it seemed silly) and then said how much I'd like to do this again, and more. I mentioned checklists and safewords and the fact that they can alleviate his fear of hurting me in a non-erotic way.

What happened? Well, he asked for some time to think and process, then gave me a nice bout of very mild D/s sex the next day, and seemed to enjoy himself. Since then, he has become more dominant (in a still very vanilla way) each time we have sex. This past weekend I gave him a copy of The Loving Dominant, a BDSM checklist and a note asking him to read and then talk with me when he's ready. That's where we are right now.

I wouldn't have had the courage to approach him again without the wonderful support here. Just reading the forum posts written by those experienced in real-life power exchange relationships, whether full-time or only occasional, has helped me learn and grow and understand what it takes to bring this into our life and what gifts we can get from it.

The most important thing I've learned in the past few weeks is patience. I wanted to just rush into everything, but now the anticipation of going slowly really turns me on. From everything I've read, it's always better to want more than to go too far too soon, so that's the approach I'm taking to all of this.

I hope this helps another submissive who is wondering how the heck she/he is going to approach her/his partner. Please, read the posts by the many helpful, experienced submissives throughout the forums. They know a lot more than I do!

Have a wonderful, blessed day!

[Euryleia]

cadence, I read your post and my heart went out to you. It is so hard to get what we need that we sometimes feel that if we haven't gotten it, we must not deserve it.

That can't be further from the truth. Please don't feel that you have nothing to offer. I can say positively that your responses to other posts in the forum and the other things you've shared have helped me and many others.

I know you are probably tired of hearing this but you can't give up. Just because one online Dom did not understand/satisfy your needs, doesn't mean that no-one will. Perhaps it would be better to seek out someone who doesn't have so many other submissives that their attention is fractured.

You also need to make the decision about your boyfriend. Nineteen years is a long time. You should be commended for wanting to make things work even though you recognize that you both have changed and that you have needs he is not willing to meet. You have the power to end that relationship so that you will be free to seek one that does meet your needs. If you wait until he makes the decision, I'm afraid your self-esteem will continue to stay low.

I believe that you have the strength to do what needs to be done. You should do it because you are entitled to more than hope; you are worthy of love.

Best wishes,
ER

[Ozme52]

I also say don't give up. You have to remain open to the possibility or else you'll miss the opportunity when it does appear.

I would like to specifically comment on what you said with regard to:

I didn't want to be emotionally attached to a Dominant, but did want to experience being submissive.

I think the kind of dominant you crave would have a hard time giving you this experience. He will need you to be emotionally involved with him. He has to feel your submission, not just see it.

The difference between having a Top/bottom relationship and a Dom/sub relationship are the emotions. That is, of course, a highly personal opinion and is strongly based on my personal perspective (or definitions) of tops, bottoms, doms, and subs.

Just telling you that because it's something you may need to realize in your search... You may need to open yourself up to the emotions... and of course the potential to be hurt... but also the potential to be extremely happy.