chalsia

not even sure why i'm doing this, not even sure why i'm putting myself through this. joined this site in late july after lurking for some time in the stories section. it actually conincided with the time were i went to my first munch and slosh and such, where i finally took steps towards my own surrender. this forum has been an outlet to my thoughts and dreams.
a while back i came across a post from a Dominant that was looking for a submissive. He sounded like so someone i wanted to get to know to start a dialog with to see where it would wind up. He was looking for online at first with a possible meeting later on, which sounded perfect for my own needs at a time. The only catch was that he was older and was looking for someone older than me. Well i contacted him anyway and yes begged him to take me under consideration. Looking back i think that should have been my first clue, i should not have pushed it, i think he only decided to speak with me, because .. well maybe he felt sorry for me.
We started to write and talk to one another via e-mail and i tried so hard to please him. a couple of weeks ago he told me that i was the only one he was training that he did not have any other applications. Yet another red flag .. yes? i guess i won by default. No one better around.
today he send me a simple e-mail, telling me that he needed to be honest with me, but he found another girl that he wants to train.
Of course i told him that he can have as many as he wants to, it is none of my business. And i really should not be so delusional to think that i could be special.
i guess that is my whole thing, i'm grateful that i was special for two whole weeks and now i'm just one of *who knows how many*. in a way i wish he would have lied to me and never told me that he found someone else. and on the other hand of course i'm glad he did.
so why am i sitting here at the keyboard like a child crying my eyes out? i knew that this was a gamble, i knew that i more than likely would never find someone here .. but why does it have to hurt so bad?