Inner Conflict

I read up, and if this has already been asked, I missed it.

Part of the reason that I was so very stunned when I realized that I am a sub, is because in my normal life I am a very dominant person. I must control every aspect of my life. If ever someone challenges that control, there would be hell to pay. I am wholly unwilling to relinquish that control to anybody, ever.

Yet, I recently discovered that I have a deep longing to give myself completely to someone, to totally submit and relinquish that control. I feel I want that control to permeate all corners of my life to at least some degree. But I want to be able to do this without having to give up my dominant role in the world.

Are there others who seem to have this inner conflict? How do you reconcile the two vastly different sides of yourself? Is it possible to retain that side of yourself, and still be completely His (when you find your Dom)?

Another question. I am currently in a relationship that is developing, we have not yet been intimate beyond what can be accomplished over the internet. He seems willing to test the waters of this with me, but I have concerns. I'm worried that, because He is not Dom by nature that He will never truly be able to fulfill that role the way I so need him to.

There are a number of us with this conflict between dominant in everyday life but submissive in some aspect of the private life. For some, it means submissive to just one person, for others it means submissive only in the bedroom. The difficult part for me is making the change in mindset. It is hard to just switch. One interesting post I read mentioned that a Dom had assigned his sub some small tasks to do on thei way home from work. (like remove all underwear, etc.) Thus by the time she arrived home, she was already in a submissive state of mind. Personally, I find submission a very relaxing contrast to the way I have/love to be totally on/in charge most of my day.

fantassy

I'm starting to realize that my submissive desires may very well stem from a need to break from the tiring task of always being in control of the rest of my life.
My head is still spinning from all the self-discoveries I've made recently.

For those who need the relief from everyday life, it's no different than taking a vacation. It's relaxing and enjoyable to change up the routine. So a lot of dominant personalities find themselves longing for submission in their private lives.

Nothing wrong with that.

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Another question. I am currently in a relationship that is developing, we have not yet been intimate beyond what can be accomplished over the internet. He seems willing to test the waters of this with me, but I have concerns. I'm worried that, because He is not Dom by nature that He will never truly be able to fulfill that role the way I so need him to.

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I will say that if you desire to give yourself to a dominant, then anything less will leave you feeling unfulfilled. If your potential partner isn't interested in the lifestyle... or worse, isn't even a particularly dominant personality, you will always yearn for more and will ultimately be unhappy. (Unless you can establish an open relationship that will allow you to further explore your submissive nature.)

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Originally Posted by sassykitten

How do you reconcile the two vastly different sides of yourself? Is it possible to retain that side of yourself, and still be completely His (when you find your Dom)?

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I, too, can be quite a control freak. Submission has helped me with that so much! I'm learning when/what to let go and getting much better at drawing boundaries in my every day life - when someone tries to make their problem into my problem, I just don't get pulled into it! My confidence in myself has gone up immensely, but not in an obnoxious, "I know best" way, just in a quiet sureness of who I am, what I'm capable of and what my true daily responsibilities in work and life really are. I'm just more relaxed on a daily basis in my work and all my relationships: friends, family, coworkers, etc - not tense or stressed out all the time. It's really nice, plus friends and family are actually beginning to notice!

How do I go from the everyday me to the submissive me? Permeating my day is the knowledge that I belong to my husband (to an extent that I don't think he even realizes completely) so when I come home, making the switch isn't terribly difficult. If I have a block (work problem, etc) in my mind, I do something mindless, like wash dishes, and by the time I'm done the problem has been put away. Taking a nice hot bath or going to work out at the gym helps too!

To some people who may not be "instinctive leaders" it still becomes second nature to be the one who is in charge, who decrees, more or less, "this is how we do it", set up plans etc. They may not even have a high-status job as their scene, it's just the same with a working woman who's also a wife - she's suppsosed to take charge of cleaning, driving the kids, raising them to some extent, caring for family relations, birthdays etc, so she may develop a streak of "I'm in charge here" without really knwing it.

And other people - the kids too, if we're talking the home arena here, just using that example - then, feel they have to contest her or protect themselves a little, because her claims become too obvious (and too hard to bear for others) plus they may be backed up by shortcuts to nail it home like "Okay, i own this house/I'm your mom!/Would you do it like this at work? then what would your boss say?" The control freak, or the guy who needs to know everything is going by the rüles, vcan be a very hard person to live with (and if those feelings just drift into the s/m relation, then it might not be very good)

Or in the military, many officers are not the kind of shouting, red-face type we recognize as "type A Military Men" but still they have a powerful sense of being in charge, and that may rub off to other areas of life. Psychologists do not often talk about these kind of roles, but I read a brilliant, and unexpectedly funny and sharp book, Excess Baggage by the psychologist Judith Sills; she manages to bring out the cost of the attitudes we keep up and that have grown out of, precisely, our strong points. She also manages to discuss this seriously but with a sense of fun, observation and an eye to the potential for change (some psychologists sound like your trouble is always heavily predetermined, "it's rooted in your childhood" don't they?)

She doesn't discuss BDSM of course, but she does explore personal dominance and feelings of inadequacy and unhappy submission, of fear of moving on. One point she makes is that you can't really love someone who is consciously perfect, who exudes "I'm perfect, I'm right and I know it" maybe you can admire that person because he/she really is wonderful and gifted, but it's hard to love someone who doesn't show vulnerability, maybe even who doesn't have weaknesses.

I'd hazard this way of showing vulnerability and need for help is dramatrized in BDSM, it becomes part of both the submissive and the Dominant role, and that's part of the pull this lifestyle has on many of us. To me, being submissive (plus altering my gender) forces me (or gives me space) to bring out a vulnerability and caringness that is not always part of the vanilla male role, although I'm a caring person in vanilla life too. Exactly how this balances with my "normal" day demeanour I haven't figured out 100% yet.

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Originally Posted by sassykitten

I'm starting to realize that my submissive desires may very well stem from a need to break from the tiring task of always being in control of the rest of my life.
My head is still spinning from all the self-discoveries I've made recently.

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i think it may be the same with me. i'm an icredibly controlled woman, and a feminist, and perhaps being a sub is a break from that, a little chance to be possessed instead of independent to be instructed instead of groping around to find what i wnat in my own mind. i love being strong and indepedent generally, but submission does appeal in the bedroom.

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Originally Posted by ~*crimson_flower*~

i think it may be the same with me. i'm an icredibly controlled woman, and a feminist, and perhaps being a sub is a break from that, a little chance to be possessed instead of independent to be instructed instead of groping around to find what i wnat in my own mind. i love being strong and indepedent generally, but submission does appeal in the bedroom.

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There was a thread somewhere about a woman describing her feminist/sub mixture and how it works, I'll see if I can find it.

Nice av btw.

Found it:

Honesty and feminism

yes, great avatar, wonderful.

I guess there is a real quandary there: how can you on the one hand be a feminist, or believe in justice, and on the other hand enjoy fantasies (or real hard sexual play) of being bound, spanked, used, trashed, having your hair pulled? For one thing the first is about reality and politics, the other is about fantasies and about your private life, but still it's a kind of hard nut that only gets analyzable bit by bit.

That's a very interesting thread. For me, the two can co-exist side by side because while i enjoy being dominated, i'm doing it voluntarily, because it's my choice, and while i may be surrendering a lot of power sexually, i wasn't foerced to do so by someone demanding women have no sexual agency - i made that choice for myself. i don't think my interest in BDSM hurts anyone(aside from myself and i like it that way!) as it doesn't prevent me from supporting equality for women and supporting their complete right to determine their live. This is just how i determine mine.

And thanks, ain't she a pretty doll? :)

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Originally Posted by ~*crimson_flower*~

That's a very interesting thread. For me, the two can co-exist side by side because while i enjoy being dominated, i'm doing it voluntarily, because it's my choice, and while i may be surrendering a lot of power sexually, i wasn't foerced to do so by someone demanding women have no sexual agency - i made that choice for myself. i don't think my interest in BDSM hurts anyone(aside from myself and i like it that way!) as it doesn't prevent me from supporting equality for women and supporting their complete right to determine their live. This is just how i determine mine.

And thanks, ain't she a pretty doll? :)

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Pretty good, you figured this out way less time that I did.

I just wanted to add from a Dom's point of view, that I feel that I like to dominate because I feel that it is a bit of control I have in a world that has sometimes felt I have no control over.

I also want to say that I have admired and respected and loved every woman I have played with. The contradictions are sometimes mindboggling but I love strong women and it turns me on to have them submit to me.

There is little doubt that strength and independence can co-exist with the desire to submit.

And Crimson, wonderful avatar, and it has been a pleasure getting to know you. You are a thoughtful and intelligent woman and you have my utmost respect.

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Originally Posted by sassykitten

I read up, and if this has already been asked, I missed it.

Part of the reason that I was so very stunned when I realized that I am a sub, is because in my normal life I am a very dominant person. I must control every aspect of my life. If ever someone challenges that control, there would be hell to pay. I am wholly unwilling to relinquish that control to anybody, ever.

Yet, I recently discovered that I have a deep longing to give myself completely to someone, to totally submit and relinquish that control. I feel I want that control to permeate all corners of my life to at least some degree. But I want to be able to do this without having to give up my dominant role in the world.

Are there others who seem to have this inner conflict? How do you reconcile the two vastly different sides of yourself? Is it possible to retain that side of yourself, and still be completely His (when you find your Dom)?

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It doesn't have to be a conflict. Your longing to submit to a man, doesn't mean you long to submit to every man. Maybe if you just pick one it'll sort itself out. Then you might have that longing within you covered. You'll never find out unless you go for it.

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Originally Posted by sassykitten

Another question. I am currently in a relationship that is developing, we have not yet been intimate beyond what can be accomplished over the internet. He seems willing to test the waters of this with me, but I have concerns. I'm worried that, because He is not Dom by nature that He will never truly be able to fulfill that role the way I so need him to.

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Same answer here. You worry to much. Go for it. Even if it doesn't work out, I guarantee it'll still be worth it. You'll have learned so much more about yourself. First relationship of anything are usually a disaster anyway.

I had the same inner conflict when I realised I`m submissive.
The problem with me is that I know I want to control my life, but I also know how bad is to control my boyfriend. If a man can`t control, I start to boss him around. I hate doing it, but it happens by itself, just because I`ve been dominant with all my friends. My master and I have agreed for him to control me within the aspects of our relationship and sex. About everything else we discuss and do lots of compromises.

Thanks so much for all the replies. I've did a lot of thinking and I feel that I have figured a few things out. I am definitely much less worried now than I was before.

Don`t worry, sassykitten. We`re subbies, that doesn`t mean we have to behave like slaves :)

i've been reading these responses and i'm exactly like that..i need to be in control of my life..the every day tasks involved, the way i try and fail to write burns the hell out of me...i do have dominant tendencies..i have a lack of patience...and then i tend to talk back..and not sure that's a sub-like quality...however as you stated, i long to give control of every part of my being to someone who will take control of me and do it with sternness yet compassion...i so long for someone to take control of every part of me, but my brain...i will never be a doormat..and someone once told me that being a sub means you have limits..but being a slave means becoming a doormat..and i disagree with that...any thoughts on that?

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Originally Posted by isabeau6

but being a slave means becoming a doormat..and i disagree with that...any thoughts on that?

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I don't understand the problem. You want someone "to take control of every part of me". But any Master who loves you wants first and foremost that you are happy. If he doesn't care about your happiness then it's not much of a relationship, is it? So why not go for the happy doormat?

There's a difference between being in control and taking the decisions. In control means more than anything that you are aware of all the details. That you understand what is happening and why the Master does what he does. Which off-course can get a bit obsessive, but it's in my opinion nothing unhealthy. Communication and trust can solve all this. Or should solve all this.

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Originally Posted by TomOfSweden

I don't understand the problem. You want someone "to take control of every part of me". But any Master who loves you wants first and foremost that you are happy. If he doesn't care about your happiness then it's not much of a relationship, is it? So why not go for the happy doormat?

There's a difference between being in control and taking the decisions. In control means more than anything that you are aware of all the details. That you understand what is happening and why the Master does what he does. Which off-course can get a bit obsessive, but it's in my opinion nothing unhealthy. Communication and trust can solve all this. Or should solve all this.

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by being a doormat i mean that..it's yes Master no Master never an opinion of your own..maybe i don't understand the conception of control..i've never had a real relationship with a real Dom/Master as i've found out to my detriment...and so now i have to learn all over again..trust ha i trust too easily that's my problem..and sure i'd love to be a happy doormat, as long as one understands a doormat isn't something that just lies there and takes it..a few of my friends have told me i'm too much of a free spirit to ever be owned..but being owned is a decision, is it not? damn as usual i don't make much sense..

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Originally Posted by sassykitten

Are there others who seem to have this inner conflict? How do you reconcile the two vastly different sides of yourself? Is it possible to retain that side of yourself, and still be completely His (when you find your Dom)?

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Yes, I have this inner conflict. I'm very dominant around my family and friends so discovering I was a sub and wanted to please someone did astound me. With my Master, I am very, very subserviant because I am His slave and I will do anything He asks - sometimes because I am dominant with others, it takes a few moments but most of the time i'm submissive.

I am very dominant and independent in my personal and professional life. I have been called a control freak far too many times. I have husband and 3 young kids to raise, a home and I am Charge nurse in level 1 trauma facility. To not have some level of control would be a stuggle to manage all of these things :)

I expressed this same conflict with my Dom (who is NOT my husband) that I could never be a doormat. I want more than anything to submit to him, but it has to be with outside respect to my individuality. My Dom accepts my submission...my complete submission as a gift. He says that I am the type of sub that truely ~has~ something to give to him. HE's not taking it...I am submitting.

Hispleasure

I will add regarding my submissiveness, is that I am always submissive...even when I am not...MY goals are always to please, comfort, nurture, support...so although I am ~dominant~control-freak~assertive~ or whatever adjective you'd like to define it as...I still am submissive in my demeneur.

This thread is highly entertaining to me, i coudn't have opened this thread any better had i said it myself. Took the words right out of my head,

It seems there are a few of us strong will women kicking around here longing to have that 1 man be the one in control of us.

It is kind of a strange feeling to need to rule the world :)
yet need to feel owned at the same time

can be a frusterating feeling as well depending on the circumstance

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Originally Posted by sassykitten

Part of the reason that I was so very stunned when I realized that I am a sub, is because in my normal life I am a very dominant person. I must control every aspect of my life. If ever someone challenges that control, there would be hell to pay. I am wholly unwilling to relinquish that control to anybody, ever.

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I believe there is a great deal of difference between "control" and "Dominance". To me, they are separate and quite distinct from each other. The need to control, for me anyway, stems from my fear of a few specific things. I'm quite controlling, but not even an ounce Dominant.

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Yet, I recently discovered that I have a deep longing to give myself completely to someone, to totally submit and relinquish that control. I feel I want that control to permeate all corners of my life to at least some degree. But I want to be able to do this without having to give up my dominant role in the world.

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Perhaps being a Switch would allow you to experience both worlds? Just a thought.

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Another question. I am currently in a relationship that is developing, we have not yet been intimate beyond what can be accomplished over the internet. He seems willing to test the waters of this with me, but I have concerns. I'm worried that, because He is not Dom by nature that He will never truly be able to fulfill that role the way I so need him to.

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If he is not a Dominant by nature, please proceed with caution regarding seeking his interest in this. It almost always ends up miserable for both if the issue is forced.

Best of all to you.
tessa :wave:

I find for myself there have been way too many parts of my life that I have had no choice but to be in complete control, and quite frankly I'm tired of it.
This is not to say that I want to give up all control in all areas of my life, I do enjoy having some, but at the end of my 8 hours at work I am quite happy to leave it there. My past relationship (long story) was one where I had no choice but to be in complete control all the time, thus it being a past relationship, I simply couldn't take it anymore. I find it refreshing now to have met someone I enjoy, who is willing (and happy) to accept the responsibility of what I have given him, he does not control every aspect of my life, but when I see him, or hear his voice, or even open an e-mail from him I feel relief in that I am no longer in a position where I have to make all the decisions, it's like a breath of fresh air to me, and for the first time in my life I feel I can breathe deeply.

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Originally Posted by new_explorer

I find for myself there have been way too many parts of my life that I have had no choice but to be in complete control, and quite frankly I'm tired of it.
This is not to say that I want to give up all control in all areas of my life, I do enjoy having some, but at the end of my 8 hours at work I am quite happy to leave it there. My past relationship (long story) was one where I had no choice but to be in complete control all the time, thus it being a past relationship, I simply couldn't take it anymore. I find it refreshing now to have met someone I enjoy, who is willing (and happy) to accept the responsibility of what I have given him, he does not control every aspect of my life, but when I see him, or hear his voice, or even open an e-mail from him I feel relief in that I am no longer in a position where I have to make all the decisions, it's like a breath of fresh air to me, and for the first time in my life I feel I can breathe deeply.

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You've expressed my experience, almost exactly. From growing up too fast and becoming "lady of the house" at age fourteen because of my mother's illness and death from breast cancer, to marrying too young and trying to take care of a full-grown little boy for fourteen years, to taking over projects and leading people my entire working career...I wanted nothing more than to let go. Rather than type my thoughts on the subject all over again, I'll refer to a blog post I made, in hopes that reading it may help someone who is struggling with confusion about living a dominant life with a submissive's heart:

The Snow Leopard

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Originally Posted by new_explorer

I find it refreshing now to have met someone I enjoy, who is willing (and happy) to accept the responsibility of what I have given him, he does not control every aspect of my life, but when I see him, or hear his voice, or even open an e-mail from him I feel relief in that I am no longer in a position where I have to make all the decisions, it's like a breath of fresh air to me, and for the first time in my life I feel I can breathe deeply.

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Well said. Yes. Exactly.

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Originally Posted by HollyBlue

You've expressed my experience, almost exactly. From growing up too fast and becoming "lady of the house" at age fourteen because of my mother's illness and death from breast cancer, to marrying too young and trying to take care of a full-grown little boy for fourteen years, to taking over projects and leading people my entire working career...I wanted nothing more than to let go. Rather than type my thoughts on the subject all over again, I'll refer to a blog post I made, in hopes that reading it may help someone who is struggling with confusion about living a dominant life with a submissive's heart:

The Snow Leopard

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I read your blog, and although my story is different than yours is has it's share of similarities. I recently got a tattoo of an angelfish, symbolic of me, the angelfish looks beautiful and delicate but is actually a very strong fish, a fighter, add to that, although they do fine on their own, they prefer to have a partner, and when in pairs they take care of each other, that is me in a nutshell.

I think this post addresses an important feature of the D/s lifestyle and a conflict that it present in many of us.
I am often a dominating character in everyday situations. In groups, I'll take charge and make decisions, I'll voice my opinion, I'll lead if a group needs leadership.
But in the bedroom, I'm a very different character, and there is nothing I love more than submitting completely to my Mistress. I feel it is a freeing experience, it releases stress, it takes me to a place that I can't get to any other way.
I'm also interested in the concept of 'topping from the bottom', and exactly what it means. Sometimes, though rarely, I find myself provoking my Mistress just a bit so that she hits or bites harder. Sometimes I like to set up situations, or make objects (I handmade a cane or our 1 year anniversary just last week) for her to use on me. Should I stop doing this? Does anyone else?

I have to take control of situations when I'm at work; I have to make 'on the spot' decisions; I have to be responsible for other staff members.

I think Ozme52 has hit the nail on the head (certainly in my case) by saying that it's like taking a vacation. It really does make a change to have somebody else 'in control'...even though it may only be for a few hours.

By nature, I'm NOT a submissive person at all but sometime it's nice to have somebody else taking over and telling me what do do for a change.