Face Slapping, and my changing reactions

He told me in the bath one night that he wanted to slap me, and I wasn't sure what to say. I was (and still am) new to the lifestyle, and it had never even occurred to me as something people would want to do to each other. But I said I'd try it, because he seemed very excited by the prospect, and I wanted to make him happy.

Later that night, we were in the living room, laughing and being silly, and I pushed him a little. He stopped smiling and threw me on the couch, and before I had fully registered the shift, he'd slapped my face with his right hand. I think my blood stopped flowing for a moment. Then he hit me again, and again, and before I knew it I was sobbing and begging him to stop, and trying to get away. I was completely hysterical. He pinned me on the sofa and hugged me, and wouldn't let me run. He told me he loved me, and that he was sorry, and kissed my forehead. I didn't stop crying for a long time.

Why did I react like that? It's hard to say. No one had ever hit my face before, and it horrified me.

But the really weird part is that I now ask for it, even though it takes several slaps to make me cry. I don't even know if I ask because I like it, or because I know he likes it. I hope it's the latter, actually. It always gives me this cold, twisting feeling in my guts. Do I want that? I hope not. I hope it's all for him.

And sometimes it scares me that he enjoys it when I cry. He takes good care of me, and I know he loves me... but I'm still a little unsettled.

Did you really want him to stop? If so... it seems you have neglected to discuss how to stop a scene.

Go look at the safeword threads. Even if you never use it, knowing you have it may change how you perceive new activities.

As far as face slapping goes, some love it . Some hate it. But I think everyone changes their perspective after they've experienced it a few times.

Nothing wrong with feeling unsettled. It's when you're least sure of yourself that you are the most appealing... taking your discomfort for our pleasure.

As I said, I am still new to the scene, but I choose not to have a safeword. For me, safewords remove a good deal of the power exchange. If I'm going to give him power over me, then it's going to be real. I can ask him to stop, but I have chosen to give him the final say.

Back to topic... is it sexy for me to be unsettled? If so, why? I'm curious.

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Originally Posted by Saucie

As I said, I am still new to the scene, but I choose not to have a safeword. For me, safewords remove a good deal of the power exchange. If I'm going to give him power over me, then it's going to be real. I can ask him to stop, but I have chosen to give him the final say.

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I give her a safeword so that I can reign freely over her without worrying if I've unwittingly damaged her, scared her beyond intent, or crossed some unknown limit that might damage her psyche.

It's more for me than it is for her.

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Back to topic... is it sexy for me to be unsettled? If so, why? I'm curious.

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Absolutely. It's the mental equivalent to being physically uncomfortable.

If you like the physical aspects, the mental aspects won't be far behind.

Power over your body is one thing... power over your mind is far sexier. Especially for a dominant. I can be a sadist and enjoy your body. You can be a masochist to enjoy what I do to your body. But (IMO) I can't "Dom" you unless you submit to me. That's an emotional bond.

Maybe it's just semantics. But it's how you react and how you give yourself even when discomfitted, unsettled, even a little scared, that turns me on.

I think that you do not want his slaps. of course, all things your Dom puts to you, may not be what you 'want'. What I worry over is that you are not comforted out of the feeling... does he properly look after you after it occurs? Have you talked of how you felt?
I am not experienced, but with face-slapping I could be just being silly (not in Play), if so it is very light, a gentle swat on the cheek. If it is to admonish my pet, to convey the severity and need for punishment, it would be firm - never hard. We have communicated that it sends a very strong message to him emotionally and psychologically, and is not an action I now take lightly.

*cracks knuckles*

Ok, Saucie, playing without a safeword is like walking a tight rope without a safety net. Just not safe. It's there for extreme circumstances, a Dom/me can't know what you're physically or mentally feeling. Obviously the face slapping (at least momentarily) put you in a bad place mentally. Draco and i don't have one safeword, but a variety, we use the standard Red, Yellow, Green but added Orange to it for things like medical things, i got this idea from a sub i knew who was asthmatic. She said she had to instate it for situations where she would go into an asthma attack. Orange is also the "Oh shit, i have to pee NOW" call. Scat isn't part of our play, so if i've got to go, can't stop nature. Red obviously being STOP NOW, in which case, an activity stops and we talk about what didn't work. This has worked in situations where we were having anal play and she tried something that hurt TOO much, which can happen when trying to stretch the sphincter. Yellow being "ok, i like what we're doing, this is ok, but can you just slow down a little bit." We had to use that in our last scene, i'm still recovering from a back injury and can't take as much pain as i normally would. Safewords don't mean you're taking control away from your Dominant, it means you're communicating with them and letting them know where you're at. If you abuse them in a "i don't wanna play, so i'm going to throw my safeword out" then yes, you're taking control away, but using them how they were intended to be used makes sure that no severe damage is done or that mentally you're not left in a harmful place.

Well, so far none of our scenes have been so intense that they could get that far out of habd, you know? And I'm never gagged, so he can tell by the sound of my voice when I really want him to stop, and so far, he's never gone beyond my limits. (As soon as I reacted so negatively to the slapping, he stopped and comforted me. He knew my tears weren't just part of the game.) So for now, I find the lack of safeword to be truly erotic. If I'm ever playing with a different dom, however, like at a play party, there sure as hell will be safewords, and my Daddy will be there to watch over me.

I am definitely with Oz. My girl has a safeword and it is more for Me than it is for her. It is a safety for both of us. For her as to not get hurt and for me not to hurt her for real.

I've played with a safeword, and without. To me it's all a matter of how well I know the sub. Take it or leave it. If your comfortable without, then stay without.

Back on topic.

I love to face slap, same as I like to punch. I just enjoy the taboo breaking act of it. Not to mention it causes a humiliation and breaking of emotions on her part. If your having fun doing it. Just have fun exploring the whys, and when you figure out why you like it. Let that be the reason it continues, cause in the end, your still liking it.

Have fun!

I don't want to wave the SSC flag in here too much, but I, too, would adivse the use of a safe-word -- especially as you are new and just beginning to explore. There are not only physical limits, there are also mental and emotional ones...and you can quickly find yourself in a situation that stresses you out no end. Doms are no mind-readers, and sometimes there simply is not enough in your reaction to really draw conclusions whether you are still okay or not...especially if it's a little, harmless thing. Anyway, just my two cents -- when I started out it was with a long-term partner, we knew each other very well and I didn't want a safe-word either (he insisted on one though, God bless him). So I should probably just keep my mouth shut :)

As for the face-slapping. Face-slapping started out as a no-no for me, but moved on from there to the list of things I don't particularly like, but can handle. It has no erotic value for me, and mostly it makes me grumpy, but shut up -- so you can guess the occasions I usually get slapped :)

Sometimes the most bothersome thing about BDSM-experiences is the reaction to them. I struggled often in the past when things happened pretty quickly, and I still struggle at times now when I experience something new and, at least to me, something that is close to or beyond a limit. I believe it is a learning journey -- learning about your limits, and mostly learning about yourself -- and, step-by-step integrating what you have learned. This is tough, emotional work at times, but I think it always pays off.

When I cried for the first time -- and I don't really know why I did actually, it was just this overflow of emotions that is hard to explain -- I tried to hide it because I thought that he would stop if he'd notice, and I didn't want him to stop (mostly because I was okay, and could have used me...safeword...if necessary). When we talked about it, it turned out that he HAD noticed. Three days after that it turned out that it had turned him on. It was a lot to swallow for both of us, and I kept shifting around the 'problem' in my mind for quite a while. There are these questions that pop up "How can I let him do that?" "Why didn't I stop it?" "Why did he enjoy it" etc. -- but also questions like "Where is this going to end?" "How much further will this go?" It took a lot of conversations and a lot of thought on my side to finally accept it as it is -- I like it, I want it, and it's perfectly okay.

So, what I'm trying to say is that -- at least for me, and maybe you feel similarly -- BDSM related things can be very, very emotionally straining (and that's not a bad thing per se). Sometimes it takes a little while to come to terms with things and yourself -- that's nothing to worry about. Take the time to process the feelings, talk a lot with each other and it will be fine. At least this recipe always worked out for me :)

But take it easy. My slave loves it, and after an intense fuck, half her face swelled up. Ooops. Live and learn.

Still ID, these are beginners. Safe words are definitely good for beginners to have, no matter how well they think they know each other. The whole definition of being a beginner is that they don't know themselves, let alone each other.

I would have needed it when I was young and unspoiled

It seems fairly obvious that you like to be physically controlled, and the fact that it excites is normal. Even going to the lengths you've described, but I have to agree with the others. The safe words don't take away his control, but maintain your safety. And it's not always about right now.

I trained in martial arts so I could defend myself, should the situation arise. It never has, and I doubt it ever will, but my safety is there. It says a lot about him that he is good enough to read the real changes in your attitude, but what about tomorrow. If he misses the signs, or you really want to continue things can get a little muddled. Likewise, if you have to use your safe word and he doesn't stop you know things have gotten out of hand, and you need to be seriously thinking about you health and safety.

I would hate to see you get seriously hurt because a silly misunderstanding, or worse. And I will stop carrying on now.

I reacted that way (getting hysterical, breaking down crying without any forewarning) the first time my Dom spit in my face. No one ever had dared do that, or even dared to suggest it.
Yet, I have been provoking him into it ever and ever again since then (I cannot get my guts up to ASK for it because I have issues with asking for things during a scene *g*).

And yes, it can be VERY erotic to feel unsettled! I agree with Ozme here.
In case you wondered: No, you are not weird :-)

Then again, this is my first BDSM relationship. We are together for 10 years now, and I don´t remember ever having used my safeword; I do remember MANY times considering using it, though.
Some other Dom in here wrote once that this is a sign of your Dom leading you to your limits, and therefore a good thing.
A good Dom (like mine) will develop a feeling for when he should stop without you using the safeword. There are times when the sub does not know when to stop or slow down or something is actually getting too hard on her because she is too lost in her own excitement.

It is also possible for a Dom having to use a safeword, as Doms also have limits. They are not Gods, you know :-)

As for the safeword: It is absolutely vital in my opinion. It does not mean you will use it if it´s not really serious. It is a possibility to stop a scene if it really gets too intense or hurtful to be enjoyable anymore. There are taboos in each of us we might not even be aware of until they get tested.
In your own interest, and in your Dom´s interest, I would advise you to agree on a safeword.
If you trust him, and he trusts you, you can both be sure it will not be spoken unnecessarily. But it is useful as it takes away some fear/insecurity on your side, and it will prove security for him. Doms are not mind-readers. It is a matter of fairness to your Dom to provide him with a definite way of knowing when he is going too far.

Another way that may work for you is something I read about here a few times. I find the idea appealing. It´s sort of a traffic-light-word-system: green is for "all is fine", yellow is for "this is too painful/too scary right now, please go slower", and red is for "stop right now - end the scene - we need to talk".
Of course you can use other expressions instead of the colours, but you get what I mean, I hope.

Kind regards
Arria

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Originally Posted by TomOfSweden

But take it easy. My slave loves it, and after an intense fuck, half her face swelled up. Ooops. Live and learn.

Still ID, these are beginners. Safe words are definitely good for beginners to have, no matter how well they think they know each other. The whole definition of being a beginner is that they don't know themselves, let alone each other.

I would have needed it when I was young and unspoiled

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I agree they are beginners, and using a safe word is a good thing, but to tout it as a necessity like others have implied is a bit much.

As far as live and learn... yea agree there. I nearly dislocated my submissives jaw once while face slapping. She didn't use her safe word, it was just a change in her muscles, and look in her eyes that gave the "I think you dislocated or broke my jaw" kind of look that suggested I stop. She was fine after about 3 days of jaw exercises to keep things limber, up till then talking, eating and moving the jaw around was taken slow.

I can relate to what you are asking saucie.

You are grasping with the fact that you are doing something that is a bit uncomfortable for you, and something that you hadn't ever considered doing before.

Face slapping is kind of a WTF moment, where you at first wonder why in the hell am I letting this happen.

I find face slapping to be a great thing.

I like to think that while we push through some difficult things to please, we are also enjoying it to a certain degree.

You kind of have to look at it a little more in depth and figure out how much you are enjoying it.
It is one thing to please your Dominant because you know that he enjoys what you are doing for him. It is also another thing to endure it only because he asked you to do something for him.

Some people just don't like or can't do certain things. If you are only doing it because he has asked you too, and you are not getting any kind of satisfaction from it, then you need to discuss that with him.

And if you are getting something out of it, you will in time stop thinking about why you feel uncomfortable and embrace it.

The first time a partner ever slapped my face during sex, it was definitely a WTF moment. I didn't say anything, just looked at him in shock and horror with wide green eyes. He slapped me again. My eyes watered, but I didn't cry. He slapped me again, softer this time, and smiled, obviously enjoying my confusion as tears welled up. He further humiliated me by pointing out that I was going to cry. *smiles* I don't know why, but the mere mention of tears will make me suck it up so as not to give him the satisfaction. I won't say I got any physical pleasure from the act of having my face slapped. The mental part of it confused the hell out of me. Why didn't I stop him? Why didn't I say anything? I eventually came to terms with the fact that he didn't do it out of anger and that I enjoyed being humiliated. Sometimes, I don't enjoy the method, per se, just the end result.

Arria, I had a totally different reaction to being spit on. My dom will spit on my clit and rub it. The first time he did it, I had an orgasm almost immediately. Then, one night, he told me to open my mouth. I found myself complying, although I was afraid of what he had in mind. When I saw what he was up to, I tried to close my mouth and avert my face, but he grabbed my hair and repeated the command, "OPEN." I immediately opened my mouth, and he let a long piece of drool fall into my open mouth. He did it again and then once more, until he was apparently satisfied, and then told me to close my mouth and swallow. I did, and I was surprised that I didn't gag and retch. Like you, I hate asking for anything....but after he hadn't done it in a long time, I surprised myself by asking him to spit. *smiles* When I bother to think about it, it's gross, disgusting, revolting, degrading, etc........whatever.......I like it.

Thank you all for your input. For now I've decided to continue allowing it, and maybe ask for it. I don't know...

Someone mentioned that face-slapping was humiliating, but I don't find it to be. I thought it might be too violent, but it didn't really evoke feelings of shame. I'm only able to feel humiliated by my own actions, when performed under my own free will (ie, I would be ashamed of something someone forced me to do.) For those of you who think it is humiliating... why? Again, I'm curious.

I mentioned that it was humiliating. She finds it to be that way because it is very intense and in her face. Just makes her feel ashamed. It may not well up those feelings for you, that's cool. Just enjoy it for why you are enjoying it.

Adding my 2 cents just cause it has been so long since I have posted I need to get out some of these pent up posts. Face slapping started as a huge nono for us. I couldnt stand having anyone touch my face let alone slap it. Then I for whatever reason(ok sometimes I may be a bit bratty) taunted him one night and he swatted my cheek. It was quite a hard swat and I started to cry. I think he truly liked the fact that I was crying, I think it turned him on.I was a bit shocked at first, but then felt like I wanted it. I couldnt figure out why since the only other times in my life I was slapped in the face were not pleasant to say the least (jerk of a boyfriend).Now I love it when it happens and enjoy being slapped in the face with his hand (along with other parts of his body...ahem!) Sorry, anyway I think that it is somethin only you know if you can tolerate it or not and if you can great and if not then dont let it happen. I wouldnt read too much into it just let it be what it is and enjoy.