Struggling to be good: advice please

I have been having a hard time. I have always struggled with two main problems: forgetfulness and procrastination. It is three steps forward, two steps as I work to improve, and sometimes I take a disheartening five or ten steps back. When I forget, or even worse when I procrastinate, it stresses my relationship with my master. It is disrespectful, and frustrating, because in my heart I feel such deep respect and wish I always showed it like I should. But somewhere between wishing and performing, I fall short.

My master has a great amount of patience with me, and is always trying to find new ways to direct me. But we reached a near breaking point when I started neglecting my studies this semester. My master is paying for my education. He is paying for it because it will allow me to fulfill personal goals and engage in a meaningful career, a career where I can help people. When my grades started to slip, the disappointment was almost unbearable.

It was clear something had to change. My master devised a new plan. First, I would go get screened for learning disabilities like I kept saying I would. Second, the amount of time I had for internet, listening to music, movies, etc. would be limited. And third, he would start supervising my study time.

This plan has worked wonderfully. I do SO much better with the supervised study time. I can’t really explain why it makes such a difference to have him watch me study versus telling me to study, but it does. My grades have completely recovered and I may win an additional scholarship this semester.

This is troubling me. I think it’s childish that I need him to watch me in order to study effectively. Why can I not just obey when he says “study this many hours”? Why was I able to do it fairly well for the last year and a half, and then lost it? I’m trying to work through what’s going on in my head, and for now I remain fairly puzzled, so any guesses or insights or comments would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you everyone and I promise to try not to be thin skinned when reading your responses.

What's to say? You're doing very well, isn't this a good thing? :)

The added pressure of him watching you. Without him there, you can cheat far more easily and your mind will wander. With him there, he keeps you focussed.

The only problem is when he is, for whatever reason, unable to watch you . In which case you may need another incentive to work. What if he were to send you regular text messages or e-mails to you (if he was away, for example) asking you for progress reports?

BTW, just as a general study hint, try drinking a lot of water and making sure you have eaten well. Even if you don't feel thirsty you can be up to 10% dehydrated and that significantly impacts your ability to concentrate. Also low blood glucose is another major thing that can affect concentration and cognitive ability so keep it topped up with long acting (slow release) carbs like oats. I know from personal experience (I am type I diabetic) that glucose levels can drop alarmingly just from a few hours of sitting quietly in an exam so it is mental as well as physical effort that uses up energy. It may be the result of either or both of these things that are causing you problems rather than any learning disorder though there is no harm in checking this out as well.

sounds like you're starting to do just fine,your lucky you have such a good Master to support and encourage you...make him proud :)

i never did any studys and exams so i cant really imagine the pressure your under although i can imagine it isnt easy.
and dont be afraid of asking for help with any difficultys you might have.
i have a problem with forgetfullness too (though people tend to put it down to my being blonde lol) and i do know how stressful and how difficult it can be.

good luck with your exams and remember to take some time out too to relax,thats important as well..you need a good balance :)

sorry i cant be of any help,just wanted to offer some encouragement and a friendly smile :)
*hugs* good luck icey.

The difference I can see is you're not so good with self-discipline and you are not alone in that lol (I'm horrible at it and will put anything off for as long as possible if I can)

I wouldn't spend so much negative energy on worrying about it - He seems to want to continue supporting you so is getting something positive from the experience as well as you. Maybe it's the pride in knowing he's making you a better person.

I would take the good from it and not let the worry outweigh what is turning out to be a very close, special bond for both of you ;)

Who knows, maybe when it's all said and done, you may have automatically developed the skills of better self-discipline hehe

Good luck with your studies and congratulations on the possible new scholarship!

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Originally Posted by icey

sounds like you're starting to do just fine,your lucky you have such a good Master to support and encourage you...make him proud :)

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Maybe it's not luck. Maybe she's totally hot.

Here's my 2 cents.

Forgetfulness.

You're not motivated by the things you do. If you were, you'd remember. Even if you don't change what you do, you can change how you look at it.

Procrastination.

People who complain a lot, do it because they see themselves as victims. Maybe they are. But complaining about it isn't going to change anything. Stop seeing yourself as helpless. And don't tell yourself that you are. Complaining can be about sorting out ones emotions about an issue. But if you catch yourself complaining about the same thing twice, then just stop, because you're running in a hamster wheel. If you're going to waste your life, then do something good for your soul working out or computer games. Don't waste it whining.

take care.

hmmmmm......i wonder if lack of self-discipline is another wide-spread subbie trait. Sure applies to me. But it sounds like things are on the right track, so keep up the good work!

ty you may just be right :eek: im certainly not too great in that area lol

Well if you were perfect, you wouldn't need a Master. I can't think of anything more boring than having a girl who did everything exactly right all the time. :confused:

My girl is going through a period where she finds it difficult to meet her responsiblities. We got to the point where I said we need to suspend the D/s side of our relationship for a while & just be friends while she gets her life sorted out.

Any kind of relationship between two people has it's ups & downs- it's just human nature to go through different phases. Part of the fun is to be flexible enough to keep up with it all.

Thanks to everyone for your in put. I think that I'm being so negative because our relationship is coming out of one of those downs that Tojo described. Fetishdj, Alex, Icey and all, I'm going to follow your advice and try not to fret. It's good that I'm doing better and if I need a little extra help/pressure well, there's no harm in that.

Tomofsweden, I'll waste my life however I like ;). Currently I enjoy wasting it by fretting and doubting my abilities as a sub and seeking solace on an internet webforum with the 1 hour (1 hr!) of computer time I'm allowed per day.

There's a website called Joe's Goals that some of my friends who have ADD use to track their progress with tasks that they have trouble with otherwise.

I think that those of us who lack self-discipline have a tremendous tug-of-war going on inside of us over whether or not to allow discipline from outside. It can feel humiliating to admit that you've failed and need someone else to help you. But it sounds like your Master is trying to help you get on track and regain your confidence, not treating you like you'll never be able to do it yourself. You should let him help you, and appreciate that you have someone willing to do so.

When I was finishing college, my Master, who was only my boyfriend at the time, ended up taking a "drill sergeant" approach to helping me. I was incredibly anxious about finishing some term papers, and he had me call him every time I finished a page. That kept me on track enough to finish everything on time, which I'd had no idea I'd be able to do. :)

I am sending you a PM with some advice I have accrued over the years... it may help. Just looking for the file now...

It is a Master's job to bring his slave or sub into focus. I do agree that it can be frustrating for a Dom to have to spend monitoring that closely but he is showing you that he cares. Not a lot of women ever get to say that they are that special to their man.

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Tomofsweden, I'll waste my life however I like ;)

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LMAO- Go girl!! :exellent1

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Originally Posted by Sir_Russell

It is a Master's job to bring his slave or sub into focus. I do agree that it can be frustrating for a Dom to have to spend monitoring that closely but he is showing you that he cares. Not a lot of women ever get to say that they are that special to their man.

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Too true Sir_Russell and I don't envy the poor Dom's their job here but am happy so many do it so well, it makes the whole balance that much better ;)

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Originally Posted by Sir_Russell

It is a Master's job to bring his slave or sub into focus. I do agree that it can be frustrating for a Dom to have to spend monitoring that closely but he is showing you that he cares. Not a lot of women ever get to say that they are that special to their man.

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What a new way to look at this. Thank you.