I have been having a hard time. I have always struggled with two main problems: forgetfulness and procrastination. It is three steps forward, two steps as I work to improve, and sometimes I take a disheartening five or ten steps back. When I forget, or even worse when I procrastinate, it stresses my relationship with my master. It is disrespectful, and frustrating, because in my heart I feel such deep respect and wish I always showed it like I should. But somewhere between wishing and performing, I fall short.

My master has a great amount of patience with me, and is always trying to find new ways to direct me. But we reached a near breaking point when I started neglecting my studies this semester. My master is paying for my education. He is paying for it because it will allow me to fulfill personal goals and engage in a meaningful career, a career where I can help people. When my grades started to slip, the disappointment was almost unbearable.

It was clear something had to change. My master devised a new plan. First, I would go get screened for learning disabilities like I kept saying I would. Second, the amount of time I had for internet, listening to music, movies, etc. would be limited. And third, he would start supervising my study time.

This plan has worked wonderfully. I do SO much better with the supervised study time. I can’t really explain why it makes such a difference to have him watch me study versus telling me to study, but it does. My grades have completely recovered and I may win an additional scholarship this semester.

This is troubling me. I think it’s childish that I need him to watch me in order to study effectively. Why can I not just obey when he says “study this many hours”? Why was I able to do it fairly well for the last year and a half, and then lost it? I’m trying to work through what’s going on in my head, and for now I remain fairly puzzled, so any guesses or insights or comments would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you everyone and I promise to try not to be thin skinned when reading your responses.