Question for Doms if permitted

Ok, I have a friend who supposedly SAYS he is a Dom and lives the lifestyle but is always "stressed" and "dealing with lifestyle b/s" and it just doesnt seem to me to be as such.... Now, he was my friend before me and Sir decided to want to live this life. I have asked him for pointers about my Sir ( who is my boyfriend of two years) becoming more informed and gaining more experience because even though I MYSELF is familiar with the lifestyle, Sir is not. My friend claims that in order for Sir to understand what its like to be a Dom, he needs to spend time as a sub.......I TOTALLY dont think thats right....Is it?????

Whilst I'm not a dominant, (although some people might disagree lol) I hope you don't mind if I state my pov.

Like with everything else in this lifestyle, you do what works for you. Many dominants came to their roles after being submissives. In my opinion, that might make them better Dom/mes in the sense that they have experienced the other side of the spectrum. The keyword is "might."

However, there are plenty of dominants, who couldn't even imagine taking on the role of submissive. Doesn't make them bad.

A good Dominant, as far as I'm concerned, has an avarice for learning what can make him/her a better Dominant.

There are many Dom/mes, too, that would not try something on their subs before experimenting with themselves first.

So, to answer your question, your friend isn't necessarily correct. There is nothing written in stone as to what does or does not make a good Dom/me, except for the desire to want to be a good Dom/me

P.S. You might wanna have this moved to the "Dominant's Dungeon."

Thanks. how would i get this moved?

It is absolutely not necessary, but many do it. But those who do it are usually single and approach it as studying a craft. Its also possible to ask a more experienced Dom for mentoring or at least for advice and help when learning technicalities (such as bondage, caning technique...). There are also workshops, conventions and there are many online resources (such as this forum) available.

Everyone is different and we all have our path to follow!

Your sir can get education many different ways, be open with each other, take care to constantly learn and you two will be good (judging by the way you sound). Don't let other people cause you upset with what they think is the "proper" way, you and Sir know what feels right for the two of you.

Welcome to the Library

:wave:
Adriana

p.s. this thread might be of help http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/sh...ad.php?t=17053

I'm not actually a dominant, but I'll answer anyway. Your friend is probably Old School. Back in the day, in order to get to the people who had skills and information, you kinda had to prove your seriousness in wanting to learn. There was no Internet. The leather community didn't let in every Tom, Dick, or Harry who professed a desire to be involved. You had to play by their rules if you wanted to join the club, and it was not uncommon for a wannabe top to have to serve an experienced top. In this way, you learned what it felt like to be whipped, experienced what it is to yield, learned about protocol, and eventually got trained in techniques. You'd be hard pressed to find anyone who still follows this philosophy, but it actually isn't a bad idea. In this day and age, literally anyone who pays admission to a dungeon can walk in with a toy and immediately declare themselves whatever they wish and find someone to play with. I should know because I've done it myself. I've had no shortage of men willing to let me practice on them with no guidance whatsoever and no shortage of inexperienced tops wanting to beat my ass. It's sad, really. Luckily, I've made friends with a pro domme, so if I really want to learn something and she's available, I can ask her.

Blythespirit is right on in my oppinion too

My owner doesnt have a submissive bone in his body sisa,

it is no more nessesary for your man to play the role of a sub than it is for you to play the role of a dom,

Sounds like your friend is the one that really needs the advice!!!!!

Besides as my owner would say you are the best teacher for your brand spanking newly dominant boyfriend

he is for the most part a clean slate

who better to teach him especially if your more experienced than him, you have a unique chance to help him learn what will really work for you an him both,

and believe it or not you can teach him just fine without upsetting his flegling dominant ego too

My best advice if for you and your dom to both open up accounts here, we have a broad range of rescources to help you teach him the art of dominantion

The Tasking Society is a great way to help him learn the mechanics and purpose of commands etc.

Hope this helps ya out some and that we see more of you both soon
have fun exploring the site
hugs and kissess
denuseri

This is the advice I was given when I started exploring this thing too many years ago. The problem I encountered was that one can't really spend time as a submissive without being submissive. It's almost as though there's an expectation that everyone's a switch with a preference, rather than inherently dominant or submissive.

I think there's value in intellectually knowing some of the sensations involved, but even that has limits. There's a mindset submissives have that, ultimately, makes them feel things differently. You should always have an idea of what something feels like, but that isn't what the submissive is going to feel, so you have to learn to translate the sensations.

My own "spendiing time as a submissive" consisted of a lot of screaming ("No, it doesn't feel good, it'll never feel good and if you don't hurry the fuck up and swing the damn thing so we can get this over with, I'm going to shove it up your ass until I can pull it out through your fucking nose ... ma'am") and a broken rack frame.

If someone's at all switchy, then maybe it's a good idea, but for someone who's inherently dominant there's far more value in a mentor/mentee relationship that concentrates on actual teaching.

I happen to be able to switch, and I feel that the time I've spent on the sharp end of the whip has given me a better understanding of where my subs are coming from. But that's what works for me, and I'd never turn it into a rule that everyone had to follow.

Oh my goodness, thank you SO much for the advice!! I am sending my DOM the link for the signup page as soon as Im done typing this...I cannot thank you all enough!

Humbly,

TB

To know what it is like to be submissive you have to be submissive to some degree, if not you will never understand. I will never truly understand because I am not in the slightest submissive.

But I can try to understand by communicating, my wife is my sub. She is also a person not a thing and we talk about everything including sessions and mutual lifestyle goals. The best thing you can do is teach each other.

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Originally Posted by Diablo

But I can try to understand by communicating, my wife is my sub. She is also a person not a thing and we talk about everything including sessions and mutual lifestyle goals. The best thing you can do is teach each other.

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I can only agree with that. As I too see my sub, as a real person and not a thing.

Else I've never been submissive and never will be submissive. Back when I found out that I was a dom, there wasn't any help to get and at the age of 16, I was convinced that I was the only one being dominant and even had a lot problems, because you cannot do suff like that to a girl. Hurray for HOM and Harmony. Luckily enough I was able to see what was fantasy and what wasn't.
I really think that he first of all have to find out if he's dom.. and then accept it. After that it more or less comes all by it self

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Originally Posted by Twisted Beauty

Thanks. how would i get this moved?

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hehehe. Looks like you don't have to have it moved. It's getting plenty of attention here. However, in the future, should you want something moved, just PM the moderator.

Seriously happy you're getting your question answered.

Many here will perhaps disagree with the following analogy.

I am admitably far from politically correct.

I am speaking to the spiritual side of the house to a large extent, which is often regulated to the "back of the bus" when it comes to such discussions.

Despite personal opinions on so called "switches" and the like: ( and if you identify yourself as such try not to be offended I do not judge your choice to wield the quirt or submit to the lash of others when the fancy may strike you)

The premise that one is a better dominant becuase thay have took on the role of a submissive before is a wholey spurious corelation. There are many roads to understanding one's slave. None require that you try to become what you are not.

In the military we have a saying that for one to be a good leader they must be first a good follower. I use it myself when instructing other dominants in the art.

This makes for a quandary for those that do not understand the inhierent difference between instruction in dominance and instruction in military matters.

In the military there exists two types of personel:

Officers,

and Enlisted.

There also exists in the hierarchy of dominion, two distinct types of people.

Dominants and submissive's.

(Again do not be offended if you call yourself a "switch")

(and when I say this I am speaking to those people who's choice coincides with thier nature to be predominantly dominant or submissive, not thier choice to play this way or that in some game of the bedroom)

Seeking tutelage as a dominant is not any different in the regaurd that one must accept the fact that thier own position in the hierarchy of dominion may be inferior to that of anothers at any given time.

For instance I may defer to my slave in certian matters depending on the situation.

Just as a good military officer many times defers to thier enlisted personel's expertise.

Hence one may seek instruction from many scources. For instance enlisted personel often train officers. I myself have found the majority of my best instruction in the art of dominion to be had from "submissives".

The leader of men in such circumstances does not however become something he is not he does not falsely portray himself as enlisted if he is an officer.

The officers (as with dominants) may have a hierarchy established between each other etc. Just as the enlisted personel (or submissives do).

The officers do not however take off thier rank and become enlisted personel.

The "dominant" does not put on a collar and suddenly become a "submissive".

Most dominants require absolute honesty from thier submissives, just as the slave has put her ultimate trust in the honesty of her owner.

As Ragoczy has pointed out as a dominant, a man of strong will; is not just some self appointed title, but resides within his very heart of hearts.

To submit oneself as a submissive does is quite impossible to honestly accomplish when one is truely dominant and rails against one's very nature.

This sence of honesty and mutual respect is sacred to the Master/Slave relationship....


... as it should be within all relationships.

Yes... totally unnecessary.

If you can submit (and that's different from bottoming, which comes closer to Rag's description of his experience,) well and good, but only if it is something he would enjoy. If you're not enjoying it, then you won't understand it any better than if you had never tried imo.

If you really want him to gain experience at the hands of another, find a mentor dom... or an experienced sub, to help you two through the learning curve.

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Originally Posted by leo9

I happen to be able to switch, and I feel that the time I've spent on the sharp end of the whip has given me a better understanding of where my subs are coming from. But that's what works for me, and I'd never turn it into a rule that everyone had to follow.

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Ditto here,

I would simply add that 'thinking its wrong' can be incorrect, because we are all different, not in our search for pleasure, but so different in our tastes to find these pleasures.

Being a Sub before becoming a Dom, can provide some insight, it can have it's negative 'touch' (such as not being able to do something to a sub because of previous experiences) but being a sub or a Dom, is a mental state, you ARE a sub or a Dom (for me at least its the way it works, everyone is different). I enjoy pleasure and pain as a sub as much as I enjoy dishing out pleasure and pain as a Dom, neither is exclusive to the other.

its a large world and we are simply enjoying ourselves in the many perverted ways we can come up with :)

Two things:

1. As Oz mentioned, bottoming is NOT submission. Many Dominants choose to bottom as a learning tool because they are able to experience a lot of the "training" aspects of submission-- play, positions, protocols, etc-- without actually "being submissive." They can feel what it is like to be spanked, to kneel, to use protocol... It really is a good training tool-- akin it to say, basic training of the military (VERY loose analogy!) It is VERY common to find this type of training in Old School lifestyle, and it has permeated general BDSM as well, to some degree.

2. Moved the thread to Dominant's Dungeon, as it seems to fit there better. Enjoy!

Thank you Kuskovian, that was almost poetic.

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Originally Posted by Twisted Beauty

My friend claims that in order for Sir to understand what its like to be a Dom, he needs to spend time as a sub

.......I TOTALLY dont think thats right

....Is it?????

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A Master/Dom first needs to master/control himself before being a Master for other(s).

Of course, in the process which is a continuum, he needs to understand the quiddity of the responsibles of a Master.

for some yes for some no i havea dominate personality to begin with so its not so for me

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Originally Posted by Twisted Beauty

Ok, I have a friend who supposedly SAYS he is a Dom and lives the lifestyle but is always "stressed" and "dealing with lifestyle b/s"

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One more thought... who gets stressed out by the lifestyle except maybe someone who is on the fringes trying to get in? ;)

what a great question, in my opinion no he doesn't HAVE to be sub to learn, but it does offer a more rounded perspective.Alot of Dom/mes try to find mentor Dom/mes to learn the ropes so to speak, I would suggest checking with your local BDSM community, going to some meet and greets and munches, and WATCHING. Watch how people interact, watch when your group does demos, watch at play parties etc...Hope this helps and if not please feel free to contact me if you or he has any questions they would like answers for, if I do not know the answer I might be able to assist in helping you find them. ~Wyked~

I myself started as a sub but I would not go as far as saying being a sub first is a requirement.. I know of two others Dom/me that started as a sub first but i also know quite a few good Dom/me that have always been a Dominant.
Dominants requirement for learning has to be a lot higher too. Safety of the sub a number one concern all of all responsible Doms.

V.

If you have Experience and Your Dom Does Not, then as a Dom/Master I Suggest you Use Finess and Ask your Dom for Permission for you to Assist in His/Her Learning to be a Proper and Effecient Dom for a Loyal and Proper (I Assume you are a Proper Sub) Sub. Sometimes a Good and Proper Sub can Teach a Wanna Be Dom a Lot and if Done Correctly, the Line of Authority is Never Crossed.

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Originally Posted by Daddy54

If you have Experience and Your Dom Does Not, then as a Dom/Master I Suggest you Use Finess and Ask your Dom for Permission for you to Assist in His/Her Learning to be a Proper and Effecient Dom for a Loyal and Proper (I Assume you are a Proper Sub) Sub. Sometimes a Good and Proper Sub can Teach a Wanna Be Dom a Lot and if Done Correctly, the Line of Authority is Never Crossed.

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Might work in some relationships, but frankly not much fun! The sub would have to carry both ends at the same time.

[QUOTE=Guest102708b;735154]Ok, I have a friend who supposedly SAYS he is a Dom and lives the lifestyle but is always "stressed" and "dealing with lifestyle b/s" and it just doesnt seem to me to be as such....[QUOTE]

As you later tell us that you are familiar with the life-style, I am sure that you are also aware that Doms are not super humans but people who can have problems like everybody else..

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My friend claims that in order for Sir to understand what its like to be a Dom, he needs to spend time as a sub.......I TOTALLY dont think thats right....Is it?????

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I'd say spending time as a sub is useful for many things, in my experience Doms who have tried to be subs know a lot more than others about how things feel on the other side - they are just GOOD :-))

But to some it would not feel natural, and many Doms feel threathened by the idea. If so, it is obviously not a good idea, and there are many other ways to get inspiration.

I have some experience but not a whole lot and I only recently attended a scene event. I tried out some toys and was asked if I wanted to try being on receiving end of something leathery but I politely declined.

My POV is that I want to live out my dominant and somewhat sadistic urges. I am also to a much lesser extent a masochist but I am not submissive. Whether it is a drill instructor or a leathered up mistress I have little interest in and have found that I am just not wired to obey authority figures or find anything stimulating about obedience.

While I am interested in experiencing the sensation of pain I am not interested in surrendering control. If I want to feel pain, I'll probably just try something on myself.

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Originally Posted by QuietMaster

A Master/Dom first needs to master/control himself before being a Master for other(s).

Of course, in the process which is a continuum, he needs to understand the quiddity of the responsibles of a Master.

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I think this was the one single issue that pushed me to Dom. I as a sub could not find a Dom that I believed had enough control. It's boring. It's frustrating. Goals falling at the way side for the rogue misc session. Doms forgetting there was a mutual agreement. That I too was to gain something from the arrangement.

As a Dom is it hard to keep this all straight? To ignore that throbbing between my legs when a sub is doing their job of being a good slut? yes it's tough. It's hard as hell. It can be torture sometimes.... but it's worth it.

I think I developed the patience and the backbone for this by being a sub.

Do I think the OP's friend is right? nope. I do however understand were his misinformation is developing from.