Going Forward or Moving Backward?

As some of you may know, I've recently gotten in touch with a certain someone after a 6-month hiatus. Things seem to be going well so far. However, I was somewhat shocked by the negativity this news garnered from my family and friends, which I now realize is why I shouldn't have discussed our personal issues per his request. My mother said it was like digging through my trash. I told her that maybe I made a mistake and wasn't ready to throw it out. My sister and brother-in-law seem to think I'm simply desperate to be with someone, anyone, even if it means going back to someone it didn't work out with before. I can assure you that I'm hardly desperate for attention since I know good and damn well that I can go to any bar, anywhere, or the dungeon and get picked up if that's what I want to do. A friend told me that exes are exes for a reason. I know this to be true. There were reasons...which I was having a very hard time remembering...but it's all coming back to me now.

I believe in second chances. I think most people deserve them. I believe there are some mistakes that are best not repeated, so forgiveness doesn't always equal forgetfulness. I also believe in personal accountability as well as personal growth. People do change. As one of my favorite singers of all time says, "Sometimes you just gotta go away to find what you left behind."

I'm curious as to how many of y'all have tried to reconnect with someone and what the outcome was. Were you able to change behavior patterns that were problems in the past or was it the same song, 2nd verse, a little bit faster and a little bit worse?

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Originally Posted by Flaming_Redhead

I'm curious as to how many of y'all have tried to reconnect with someone and what the outcome was. Were you able to change behavior patterns that were problems in the past or was it the same song, 2nd verse, a little bit faster and a little bit worse?

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okay ill bite. Yes i have, every single one of my exes that i fell in love with (2) got more then second chances. And no you cannot change behavior patterns. You break up with them, then get back with them, when you get back with them they are on their best behavior for fear that if they arent you'll leave them for not "changing" or "growing" as a person. Once, the relationship progresses and you two stay together then the same patterns come back, like clockwork. This is just from my expierence. Its hard to let a love go, sometimes it takes moving away (as i did) or just changing your whole routine and or group of friends, but sometimes personal sacrfice is what is needed to save your sanity.But everyone is different and so is every situation.

All i can say to you Redhead is good luck girl. You know what you are walking into, maybe hes changed for the better, maybe you have changed for the better and now you two can work well togerther. Who knows.

You have my full support sisa.

Best wishes for you and V.

Ps, tell him to add a stroke or two in there for me next time he goes Red rideing., licks my lips and winks.

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Originally Posted by Flaming_Redhead

I'm curious as to how many of y'all have tried to reconnect with someone and what the outcome was. Were you able to change behavior patterns that were problems in the past or was it the same song, 2nd verse, a little bit faster and a little bit worse?

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Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

I once dated a guy and everyone else could see he was bad for me, but not I. We were "madly" in love (thats always a bad thing, lol), but so wrong for each other; we were constantly breaking up and getting back together - until I finally gathered courage and said enough is enough, I kept reminding myself that going back to him meant going back to same old problems.

When Tristan and I got together it was all so new and so intense, we planned it to just be a casual fling, but when things started getting serious, we both panicked and broke up. Couple of months later He called me, we talked and the rest, as they say, is history. :)

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Originally Posted by AdrianaAurora

We were "madly" in love (thats always a bad thing, lol), but so wrong for each other; we were constantly breaking up and getting back together - until I finally gathered courage and said enough is enough, I kept reminding myself that going back to him meant going back to same old problems.

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That's just what I don't understand. How can people who are madly in love be wrong for each other? If the chemistry is there....the attraction....the sex is awesome.....you feel good when you're together.....and you genuinely like the other person....why does any of the other stuff even matter? Why are there even any problems to begin with? These questions may not have an answer. I'm just thinking out loud.

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Originally Posted by Flaming_Redhead

That's just what I don't understand. How can people who are madly in love be wrong for each other? If the chemistry is there....the attraction....the sex is awesome.....you feel good when you're together.....and you genuinely like the other person....why does any of the other stuff even matter? Why are there even any problems to begin with? These questions may not have an answer. I'm just thinking out loud.

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That is a million dollar question. :)

I can only answer what it was with me - he hurt me so many times, that something inside of me simply snapped. They say that the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results - I honestly don't know the count of how many times I went back to him, simply because I loved him, because I couldn't live without him, because I knew he loved me too and because I foolishly thought that that "this time" would magically be enough, over and over again.

The best I can put it, being in love isn't enough, you have to feel loved. I didn't feel loved, and obviously he didn't either. There was an emptiness inside of him that he was trying to fill - by sleeping with as many women as he could, giving his all to work and traveling constantly, not standing up to his mother when she regularly spoke rudely against me - though the times we would spend together were wonderful, I realized that I will never be enough for him. He survived without me, I am not sure Tristan could.

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Originally Posted by AdrianaAurora

he hurt me so many times, that something inside of me simply snapped. They say that the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results

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I have come to realize that much of my hurt was self-inflicted. I'm a masochist, after all. Instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt, I chose not to trust him because I don't trust men. He was right. What chance did he possibly have? I don't know if there was anything at all he could've said or did to convince me to trust him. Combine that with the high expectations of how domliness should be....and the reality of life constantly getting in the way.....and you have disappointment waiting to happen, which it did, which just proved to me that.....he was right again. Self-fulfilling prophecy and all that.

I think you mean that insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. I'm insane. *nods a lot* They say crazy people don't know they're crazy, but they're wrong. I saw the same behavior pattern occuring this time around, and I'm determined to stop it. I can't control him, but I can control how I react...sort of.

Being happy should be a simple enough idea. The imperative word there being should.

Here's to second chances. :wave:

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Originally Posted by Flaming_Redhead

I have come to realize that much of my hurt was self-inflicted. I'm a masochist, after all. Instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt, I chose not to trust him because I don't trust men. He was right. What chance did he possibly have? I don't know if there was anything at all he could've said or did to convince me to trust him. Combine that with the high expectations of how domliness should be....and the reality of life constantly getting in the way.....and you have disappointment waiting to happen, which it did, which just proved to me that.....he was right again. Self-fulfilling prophecy and all that.

I think you mean that insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. I'm insane. *nods a lot* They say crazy people don't know they're crazy, but they're wrong. I saw the same behavior pattern occuring this time around, and I'm determined to stop it. I can't control him, but I can control how I react...sort of.

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That sounds like it is more comparable to what happened with Tristan. I panicked and pushed Him away. I was basically making Him pay - for something He didnt and would never do - for something someone else did. Thankfully we gave it a second chance and were serious about making it work.

There is nothing wrong with giving it a second chance, it is certainly better than someday wonder what might have been. Its the third and fourth and fifth time...that you should stop and think about what you are doing.

I hope it works out for you. Good luck. :)

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Originally Posted by tessa

Being happy should be a simple enough idea. The imperative word there being should.

Here's to second chances. :wave:

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Ain't that the freakin' truth?!? I never understood it when someone said that no one can make you happy but you. Other people do make me happy, so I'm afraid I just don't get it. I may not be adept at making myself happy, but I sure as hell am talented at making myself miserable. I must enjoy it on some level because I keep doing it, which makes no sense because I wanna be happy. :32: Why do I have to go and make things so complicated?

*gives Tessa a great big booby squishing hug*

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Originally Posted by AdrianaAurora

I panicked and pushed Him away. I was basically making Him pay - for something He didnt and would never do - for something someone else did. Thankfully we gave it a second chance and were serious about making it work.

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*nods a lot* I thought it was self-preservation. Afterwards, I realized that I'd preserved myself alright. The only thing is that my grand plan didn't spare me any of the hurt I was so afraid of. I broke my own heart. Silly me! I'm so thankful that I appear to be getting a second chance, and this time, I'm going to give it my all because if it doesn't work out I'd rather know that I did all I could do than wonder what if.

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Originally Posted by AdrianaAurora

The best I can put it, being in love isn't enough, you have to feel loved.

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The simple, heart-stopping truth.

Thanks, Adriana. x x

It could be you just weren't ready the first time around, Reds... You weren't yet ready to trust, to let a male into your life & heart like that... and perhaps you weren't even expecting it to happen, which made it seem all the more sudden.

As to second chances... you & I have talked this over before *chuckles*... sometimes 2nd chances are great & they fix exactly what made the train derail the first time. Other times, they just remind us why we split...

I would mention for what it's worth that 2nd chances only work if BOTH parties are willing to put in the effort... he might be leery since the result of the first go around wasn't what he wanted, and he also might just need some more time to test out the water before he jumps in & gives it a second go. You have to decide if you're willing to go slow & have the patience for that... or whether it isn't what you need/want at this point...

Good luck.

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Originally Posted by Flaming_Redhead

I never understood it when someone said that no one can make you happy but you. Other people do make me happy, so I'm afraid I just don't get it.

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I have to admit, I don't understand this statement. It's okay for others to make us happy - I have no quibble with that, but if the other person isn't 'making us happy'...then what's left if we aren't happy in ourselves? So what I read in your statement is that without other people 'making you happy'...you're miserable?

Please say that's not the case, Red.

No, that's not the case! I'm perfectly capable of amusing myself...for short periods of time. *grins* I'm a social creature, though, so I love to be around people. What I meant was that I tend to go looking for trouble. If you're constantly looking to find fault, you won't be disappointed. Living in my head is kind of like living in a small town sometimes....you know....if there's nothing to talk about, people just make stuff up. It's like "Total Drama Island" in there! *lol* He never actually gave me a reason to doubt him, but I did anyway...all the time. He would think everything was fine, but inside I'd be stewing. Rather than try to communicate like an adult in the way that he showed me, I'd let it build until I exploded in an emotional outburst. I've been trying like hell to figure out why in the world I'd sabotage myself and him that way. I think I've got it, and I'm working to change it. If it doesn't work out with him this go round, maybe I'll be able to spare myself and next one who tries to scale these walls some hurt.

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Originally Posted by Flaming_Redhead

He never actually gave me a reason to doubt him, but I did anyway...all the time. He would think everything was fine, but inside I'd be stewing. Rather than try to communicate like an adult in the way that he showed me, I'd let it build until I exploded in an emotional outburst. I've been trying like hell to figure out why in the world I'd sabotage myself and him that way. I think I've got it, and I'm working to change it.

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I've done/do this. It was very marked in my last (vanilla) relationship. I would be disappointed, frustrated, angry, furious all on the inside and what always made it worse was that he seemed oblivious to my hurt feelings apart from a vague notion perhaps that something was wrong. How dare he! Then when it all came tumbling out, as it must, he would act highly aggrieved that I hadn't 'gone through the proper channels' and where did all this fury come from??? He should know when he's being a jerk, I'd think! In the end I figured it out. We were great in many ways but fundamentally incompatible emotionally and I just had to face this truth. You know it's true when your other half acts threatened by your way of engaging with the world. When I did admit it I felt a great deal better about myself. Far from there being anything wrong with me, as he would often claim, I could forgive and understand myself (and him) and reassure myself I was lovable.

I have the same fundamental emotional make up now as I did then. I get aggrieved. I stew on it. But the difference now is, I am with someone who doesn't feel threatened by my varying emotional climates - not one bit. He himself remains calm, doesn't join me in recrimination, LISTENS, lets me vent, and is still with me when it's all out and I'm ready to see reason and look for a solution. Because of this - being with someone who really suits me emotionally, who accepts and even delights in all I am - I feel the need to blow far less often, I sometimes avoid it completely and just get straight to the good end bit, I have modified my own behaviour because now I find something that works for me much better than the 'sabotage' that used to do me no good.

Do you actually have resentments, Red, or are you just repeating old emotional patterns? Does he suit you well emotionally, or will you always 'need' to stew and burn, so poisonous to the happiness of a relationship? Behaviours can change, but best if you can delight in the unalloyed emotional truth about each other.